Waiting for a proposal.. what happens to the frustration after proposal?

posted 2 years ago in Proposals
Post # 2
Member
1642 posts
Bumble bee

I think you just need to tell him your firm timeline. Then if he doesn’t do it by then your out. As uncomfortable as it is to tell him point blank your done with the excuses and you want to be engaged in the next 4 months, you need to do it so you don’t waste more time with him. Please please don’t waste another year or more on this guy you are really going to need that time if it doesn’t work out with him. 

You: We have talked about getting engaged. I would like to be engaged by x month. If we get to that month and there has been no proposal I am going to have to evaluate if this relationship is meeting my needs or not. I am not willing to waste an unlimited amount of time on a relationship that isn’t heading towards marriage. If this relationship isn’t going to end in marriage I need to be able to find one that is. I am not interested in hearing excuses at this point because we both know they are just that excuses. We have been together for 2 years and I moved here for you. I have given enough to this relationship and its time we made a decision. 

Post # 3
Member
5771 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

You need to have another conversation with him and figure out if this is the right relationship for you or not.  He isn’t wrong to not be sure if or when he wants to get married at 28, but you aren’t wrong for making it a priority either.  If his final answer is that he just isn’t sure when then you need to be the one to either decide to wait and grow towards marriage with him or end it and move on.

I will say, it seems like you are focusing on engagement because a lot of other areas of your life are unfulfilled. You should put more effort into the job search and making friends in your new country, those frustrations will not disappear if you get engaged.  

Post # 4
Member
8262 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Bee, people don’t make excuses for things they want to do. Getting married costs $100 (or less) at the courthouse. He can’t even keep his reasons straight, they keep changing! I don’t like to be the bee that says you should dump him, but damn girl, you moved countries for him and he can’t even give you a straight answer? That’s fucked up. If I were in your shoes, I’d be looking for work and housing elsewhere. You need to be able to support yourself, and if finding work where you are is difficult, use that as your excuse. You can try long distance for a bit and see if anything changes, but at least you’ll be set up for success elsewhere. 

Post # 5
Member
2148 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Bee, it doesn’t sound like he wants to get married. I suspect that after 3 years have passed, he will have more excuses and you will have wasted 3 more years waiting for something that’s not going to happen.

It’s time to set a strict timeline of absolutely no more than 1 year for engagement. Not, “we’ll revisist the issue in one year,” or “we’ll see where we are in one year,” but ring on finger, planning wedding in 1 year — a firm committment.

And please don’t fall into the trap of staying out of sunk cost fallacy or because you’ve already invested time in the relationship or because you don’t want to start over with someone else. I guarantee you will just break up anyway, just years down the line instead of now. There is virtually no possibility that you wouldn’t be able to find someone else — someone who genuinely wants to marry you and have children, so don’t use age or fear of being alone as an excuse to stay in an unfulfilling union with someone who is finding every excuse in the book not to commit to you.

Post # 6
Member
6924 posts
Busy Beekeeper

View original reply
cerezza :  people do sometimes make excuses for things they actually want. However there is usually some actual reason behind those excuses. My husband was psyching himself out, looking for a sign from above. I never would have guessed that and could point out signs everywhere (and I’m not a sign person). His only regret now is that he waited so long. We aren’t all perfect people. 

Thats not to say your guy isn’t full of crap. It definitely sounds like it from an outside perspective. Though I’d add that no way would I have gotten engaged just two years in. That would be a big time crunch for me.  There is nothing wrong with affirming that yes, marriage (with you) is a thing he wants and yes, this is the timeline by which You’ll be leaving. You have to mean it though. If you don’t mean it and he’s stringing you along, you will continue to be dragged around. 

Regarding getting over the frustration, I’d say that if it takes longer than you wanted and you’re still mad, he’s probably not right for you. I don’t harbor any real resentment now. I got exactly what I wanted, even if not in the way I’d have preferred. We can joke about it now even though it cut deeply beforehand, which he never understood. It’s one personality failing but all of the good I get from him outweighs that. 

Post # 8
Member
943 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
cerezza :  You don’t have to give an ultimatum, but you could try saying to him “I would like to get engaged in the next 6 months (or 4 or 8 or whatever you’re comfortable with). Is that amenable to you?” Then, reach a compromise you can live with on a timeline, for example is you say you’d like to get engaged in 2 months and he says a year, maybe you meet in the middle at 6 or 8 months. Then understand that if he doesn’t propose to you during that time, it’s a clear signal and it’s time to go. 

Post # 9
Member
7558 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Ugh…tell him the only way you’re going to feel his love is if he actually proposes. Telling you he can’t propose now cause he’s saving for a fancy ring to “show you his love” is patronizing honestly. And it’s disingenuous. You have told him what you need to feel loved — engagement sooner rather than later — and he’s essentially telling you nope what you really need is a big fat ring that I can’t afford now so sit tight! No. 

Post # 10
Member
92 posts
Worker bee

One of the Bees cited a (pretty dubious) study recently about attractiveness and diamond size that was pretty disturbing. Personally I’d be a little wary of spending my life with someone who thinks the only way he can communicate the depth of his feelings is by buying me as much pressurized charcoal as he can afford…..priorities seem a wee bit out of whack…..

On a different note, it sounds like your main problem is how much you have riding on the outcome of this relationship. Leaving your family, your home country, your job and your social circle, to be with a man you’ve only been with two years is A LOT. Of course you’re looking for certainty in this situtation. But I have to ask, do you think you’d feel this much pressure to marry him if you were more in a position of comfort and stability in your own life?

Post # 11
Member
1639 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2021 - Glacier National Park-Montana

Just saying you could Meet someone else and be married in 2 years.  What about kids?  Wil he be ready for kids right after marriage? It might be you two aren’t on the same path.  Itnstinks but don’t force a relationship you’ve outgrown.  Communicate your needs clearly.  Give him some time (not a year) to consider where this is going. Then he can either propose and start wedding planning or move on himself. 

Post # 12
Member
940 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
cerezza :  when he said marriage usually end in divorce. red flag. He is not showing much faith in your relationship. 

Also, in talking about rings, he can always do a temp ring and later upgrade it.

ALSO: these are NOT ultimatums.

Why do you have to be the one to stand around and wait and see if maybe possibly he will propose in several years IF he is ready and doesnt feel ‘pressures’? its YOUR life. 

Maybe he should be the one worrying for a change. Make him worry that if doesnt stop d*cking around, he WILL lose you. if he really loves you, he won’t want to lose you. Thats what marriage is about. Don’t be all talk so that he later resents you for ‘pressuring him’, but more so be dead serious about exploring your options so he takes you seriously.

Post # 13
Member
2148 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

“Though I’d add that no way would I have gotten engaged just two years in.”

I agree with this. I personally think it’s too soon. My hsuband and I were not even close to talking about it 2 years in. However, I see red flags in the OP’s case because he seems actively against it or at least very ambivilent

Post # 14
Member
1710 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Personally, I’d just say, “cool, while you figure out if you should marry me and how to make that happen, I’m going to move home and get on with my life.”

Then I’d move home and live the life you love. If he was serious about you, he’d try to move up the proposal timeline or follow you to your home country. 

But I wouldn’t put my life on hold for somebody who couldn’t commit to a firm timeline and take serious steps in that direction. 

Post # 15
Member
2021 posts
Buzzing bee

So a couple things stood out to me with this post.

“Anyway, if I hadn’t met him I wouldn’t be here anymore. And that’s sort of why I’d like to get that final commitment”

It seems that you are feeling insecure in the relationship because you are only here for him at this point. I think if you were in your home country you wouldn’t feel so pressured to make this work. This alone is not a good enough reason to marry him.

“I’ll turn 30 next year, and if I want to have kids, I wouldn’t just want to be wasting my time.” I get that you are feeling pressed for time, but this isn’t a good enough reason to have kids with this guy (sunk cost fallacy).

And the biggest red flag of all:

“But, he’s given me a number of different excuses why he can’t propose; he can’t afford to buy a ring (I’ve told him I’d be happy with a cheaper ring but he wants to buy an expensive ring that he can’t afford), marriage is just a piece of paper, a lot of marriages end up in divorce, he’s waiting for the right time”

Usually, when a guy wants to get married but isn’t ready yet, he will cite a reason why. Totally normal usually. Maybe it’s finances, maybe he needs to finsh school, whatever. But he has given you multiple unrelated and flimsy excuses why he will not propose, some of them which don’t make sense when combined together. 

1) claims he can’t afford the ring HE thinks you should have and refuses to give you the readily affordable ring that you truly want want right now or within a reasonable timeframe. This is one of the most obvious stalling tactics. It’s a red flag because when you gave him a simple, easy solution to the barrier to getting engaged, he did not take the barrier down. If he got you a cheap ring right now as a placeholder like you want, that would mean there is no longer a barrier to getting engaged.

2) “Marriage is just a piece of paper” this doesn’t make sense for many reasons. First, if it was just a piece of paper, then why is he so against it?? Ever thought to ask him that? Also, this statement could possibly reflect that he doesn’t believe in marriage, so if he truly does not believe in the institution of marriage, it doesn’t make sense for him to even entertain the concept of getting you a ring. If he truly was against marriage, he would have just said that as the only reason you are not going to get engaged. It’s fine if he doesn’t want to get married, but he owes it to you to be honest.

3) “A lot of marriages end up in divorce” YAWN. This one is as old as it gets.

So OP, have you asked him why he gets in a car every day? Or an Uber or Lyft? Or a bus? Plane? Train? Because, don’t you know, lots of drivers and/or passengers end up in car accidents. Why does that not stop him from doing those things but with marriage it is somehow different? Is he really saying that he is comfortable with the risk of serious bodily injury and/or possible death and dismemberment every single day by getting into a vehicle, but yet the risk of divorcing you is too great to risk? Think about that.

4) “He’s waiting for the right time” Again, this does not make sense when combined with the above excuses. If marriage is just a piece of paper, but yet too risky for him to take on with the woman he claims to love, then why is he even entertaining the possibility of getting married? Why is he even getting into the specifics of what ring he thinks you deserve if he doesn’t want to get married?

It doesn’t add up. 

The reason I think he is giving you these many excuses that don’t make sense is because deep down he doesn’t really want to marry you (or anyone possibly) but he doesn’t want to admit that because he knows if he was honest about it, you might leave him since you want marriage and kids. He is putting up arbitrary barriers about a ring you don’t even want that relate to finances to give you hope that it could happen “at the right time” for him. And blaming it on finances is a vague, open-ended, easy excuse to give because it could take as long as he wants it to to “have the money HE deems necessary to get you a ring.” Has he said how much he wants to spend on it? And if he truly saw marriage as just a piece of paper, he’d give it to you because it wouldn’t matter either way to him and he wants you to be happy.

And in your update when you discussed it, he STILL insisted on getting you a ring out of his financial reach. He still isn’t listening to what you want. That’s a bad sign.

This does not look good, OP. I’d strongly recommend considering moving home soon. You don’t want to waste too much time with him.

 

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