Post # 16
Member
2548 posts
Sugar bee
cerezza : you only need to fill out the paperwork or go to courthouse to get married so him telling you if he had the money you’d already be married is total BS. 2 years in, almost 30, him making lame excuses that marriage is only “a piece of paper” (yeah sure, if that were the case he would have no problem getting that paper!) . Claiming he needs to save to get you an expensive ring that you don’t want is another common bs stall tactic. He obviously doesn’t *want* to marry you, I’m sorry but I would stop acting like his wife, I would move out and I certainly would not continue to waste my time with him…
Post # 17
Member
339 posts
Helper bee
What were his views on marriage before you uprooted your whole life to move to his country? Someone who feels marriage is just a piece of paper and usually ends in divorce, this is something they should make clear to their SO, especially before their SO makes significant sacrifices to be with them. Also if he’s so against or at least ambivalent about marriage, why does he insist on getting you a fancier ring than you want? These excuses don’t even match.
Post # 18
Member
152 posts
Blushing bee
cerezza : As others have said, he is making excuses. Those are classic lines men feed to keep the woman on the hook. We dated almost the same amount of time as you and he proposed w/out the excuses. Have a firm walk away date as you don’t want 2 years to turn into 3, 5 or 10 w/no proposal.
Post # 19
Member
2611 posts
Sugar bee
Ah, yes, the elusive “ring you deserve.” Honey,wake up and smell the coffee because the pot is boiling over…
Post # 20
Member
35 posts
Newbee
In my first engagement, my ex gave me excuses leading up to the engagement about money in regards to a ring. I told him over and over again that the ring wasn’t important to me. He ended up getting me a beautiful ring that I know he went into debt to buy and I resented him for it. I had told him many times that I did not want him to go into debt to buy me a ring. He clearly didn’t listen…or he let his pride/need to prove himself push past what I wanted. Part of the reason he is an ex. But as you can see, my frustration just grew after the proposal.
Post # 21
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
Yeah, well if I move out, I’m not quite sure where I’d go really. I lived abroad even before moving here, and I don’t really have family anywhere. He still doesn’t want to give me a timeline as he says he wants it to be a surprise.. in the beginning of this year he said he’d propose within 3 years, but that’s a bit too long time really.. He let me show him some rings that I like last night, but I’m not quite sure if he did that just to keep me happy.. He usually hasn’t even let me go to jewelry store so that I wouldn’t get ideas or something. And he said he was thinking of buying a ring that costs about $1300 (again, I’d be happy with a ring that costs $300). It sounded like he was considering of buying a bit cheaper ring, but probably not much cheaper still. He’s been saving money since January or at least that’s what he’s told me. Anyway.. I’m going to start studying soon, and that’s going to be another year in this country, so at least I’ll have some sort of purpose to stay in this country. It really can’t take over a year to save that money, so let’s hope for the best..
Post # 22
Member
1838 posts
Buzzing bee
cerezza : My problem would be with his lying. One of his excuses is he doesn’t have money, which is an external obstacle, yet you see him spending. Another excuse, which is in internal, so in direct opposition of his other excuse, is that marriage is just a piece of paper. This one is also a lie in and of itself, because if he believed marriage is just a paper, why wouldn’t he just sign the paper. What does he have to lose by signing “just a piece of paper?” The truth is that he knows that’s BS. Another excuse, also internal – again opposition of his first excuse, is that marriages end in divorce. Okay, that implies he either delusionally thinks that signing that “piece of paper” magically increases the chances your relationship won’t work out, or he’s saying he thinks it’s likely your relationship would end in divorce.
Post # 23
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
Knotyet,
Yeah that’s sort of what’s making me feel a bit concerned. There must be something behind it. Something that he’s not willing to tell me. One reason could be that his female friends seem to have something against me. He’s been a bit upset that his friends have behaved the way they’ve behaved and haven’t made any effort to get to know me. His male friends are fine though. But his female friends don’t usually even acknowledge my existence, they don’t say hi to me but they seem very excited about meeting my boyfriend. I’ve been trying to get to know them, I’ve tried to arrange to meet them separately instead of as a big group, but it has always taken several months at a time to arrange anything with them. And my boyfriend has been a bit upset as he feels like they don’t really care about him and he feels like he doesn’t really know them after all. So it could be that something like this makes him want to wait and just come up with these excuses. I know that he will be a good husband and father one day, but there’s something that’s holding him back. He’s normally very honest about everything, even when it’s something that makes me feel uncomfortable. But I honestly don’t know what else I could do anymore as his female friends seem to have 0 interest in getting to know me.
Post # 24
Member
1838 posts
Buzzing bee
cerezza : None of his excuses match up, and now you’re creating them for him as well. If it were truly his female friends who are making him want to wait to marry you, why would he say these other things? And if he’s viewing his friends in a new way because they’ve been unwelcoming towards you and haven’t put in any effort to get to know his girlfriend of almost 2 years, why would he value their opinion over your future together. You say he’d make a good husband and father, but that’s not true if that’s not what he wants. And the whole piece of paper comment, combined with the many excuses and general lack of willingness to move forward towards that future says otherwise.
I’m not saying break up with him if that’s not what you want. I’m saying that you need to be realistic and look at his actions, or lack thereof, and the many words he’s used to advocate against marrying you, and accept that reality. If you stay with him, based on his actions and words, he will not marry you any time soon, if ever. You have to decide if you’re okay with that. You mention you’re going to be in this country for another year for schooling, but is that really a reason to stay with him?
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