(Closed) Waiting for a ring

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Hi! I’m literally in the same exact boat as you!!! My SO and I have been together for 7 1/2years and still no ring. I gave him a timeline in October of 6mos and hounded him about it quite a few lol it started getting closer to the end of the timeline and I saw no sign of him proposing. I sat him down and had a serious talk with him and asked if he was actually ready to get engaged (he didn’t know that I was going to move out if he said no) he told me he was ready and he needed a few more months because I was pressuring him in this timeframe and he had an idea of how he wanted to do it and when. All I needed was his concrete word and sincerity that he was definitely going to do it because it hadn’t really got it in the past.. Now I have an idea of when and where it’s going to happen because he just surprised me for my bday with a little getaway trip. Maybe you need to really sit with him and check in and make sure you guys are 100% on the same page. He could also be throwing you in the wrong direction because he wants to do it all his own way. it made me feel a lot better once I knew where he stood on the subject and I’m a lot more calm about it now because I was literally on a bus to crazy town! Good luck i hope everything works out! 

Post # 3
Member
904 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

If you live together, have sex, playing house, I think a man often waits longer… You’ll already them playing like you’re married. I was engaged in a year, live apart and havent had sex. To each their own, but I knew I would know within a year or so ( at most). 

Post # 4
Member
904 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I can’t imagine waiting that long as an adult that knew what she wanted. 

Post # 5
Member
235 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
brinnylou:  I’m also in the same boat as you (although my boyfriend and I have been together just shy of 3 years, not 7.)  We did basically “agree” on getting engaged, but he still wants to ask and give me a ring to make it official.  (I guess we are in the “ultra modern” boat?)

But seriously, waiting is THE WORST and I’m also basically a crazy person, and it’s all I can do to not pester him about it every day. 

Post # 6
Member
2366 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

I didn’t do this, this preparing to get engaged seems like the seventh circle of hell. As far as being together for SEVEN years with no proposal that is a no go. Unless you are very young and counting high school dating, I’d give him six months at most and then move on.

Post # 7
Member
839 posts
Busy bee

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brinnylou:  We’d been together almost 7 years when my now-husband and I started talking about marriage as something that would happen “when the time was right” instead of  “maybe we would eventually get married”. For the next few years, I was mosty fine when friends started getting married and engaged, but we were still waiting to take that next step. I knew that we weren’t in the position to get married just yet (first my then-SO couldn’t find work, then I was unwell for a prolonged period of time), but I kept hoping that maybe the next couple getting engaged in our social circles would be us.

 

We had a  “when on Earth are you and I getting married”-discussion on Feb. 29th 2012 (by which time we’d been together over 9 years), which ended in a row. It turned out that his timeline was slower than mine and my reaction to that revelation was harsher than it needed to have been. My husband appologised for the misunderstanding and said that he hadn’t realised just how impatient I was to get married. The row cleared the air, and for the next year and a bit, I found it much easier to listen to various other friends and aquaintances getting engaged, while ours felt like a pipedream. It wasn’t until a good friend of mine got engaged, in the late summer of 2013, that I had another meltdown. I hadn’t brought up the topic for a while, as I knew that my husband hated the questions just as much as I did, and I wanted him to propose because he wanted to, not because he was under duress. I moaned to a close friend (who became one of my MOHs) and even took to crying in the toilet, which I admit wasn’t my finest hour. I didn’t want to ruin somebody’s joy at their engagement, break the Shut It Up Pact I’d made with myself the previous Christmas or worst of all become totally embittered, so I held my tongue, and focused on the good things in our relationship and my life in general. I took up dancing again and spent time with my friends and figured out that if push came to shove, I would rather remain in a longterm relationship with my then-SO, even if it meant never getting married.

 

On the night before our 11th anniversary, he proposed, and it came totally out of the blue. Afterwards, he said that he was innitially going to propose almost a full year earlier, when we were on our 10th anniversary trip, but that hadn’t worked out. Then, throughout the year that followed, whenever he had gotten his courage back up, someone else would get engaged or ask him about when he was going to propose. He didn’t want to steal anyone’s limelight, so he would wait until a suitable time had passed and because he was so hellbent on not being badgered into anything, if someone made a comment to that effect, he would wait until the discussion died down, just to make sure that nobody got the satisfaction of saying “I was the person who made H propose, finally”. He said that by our 11th anniversary date he was getting pretty frustrated himself, and so decided that that time it was his turn 😀

We got married right at the beginning of 2015, 2½ months after our 12th anniversary.

Post # 8
Member
839 posts
Busy bee

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jily:  One of the reasons why I think it took my husband and I quite a long time to get engaged and married was a)we met when we were so young (I was 18 and fresh out of high school), b)we had to figure out where we would live and how we could make that work and c)because he didn’t want an engagement that was several years long, we needed to be in the financial position to plan a wedding relatively quickly. If b) had been less tricky for us, we might have married a few years earlier, but that wasn’t meant to be. If his first relocation attempt in 2006 had been successful, our lives might have taken a very different path. As it was, it wasn’t until 2010 that we were able to live in the same place more permanently. Those years in between were challenging, as we worked on keepin our LDR alive and trying to figure out what we each wanted to do as far as careers went. Even though I shed more than a few tears during that tough period, it was all worth it in the end.

Post # 9
Member
1894 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception/The Gallery

Ugh, waiting is really the worst. It somehow brings out the worst in people! 

While 7 years is a very long time (less so if you were quite young when you began dating), I would definitely talk to him about how and when he sees things going. Is he thinking a month? 6 months? A year? Those are very different things and these are decisions about your life, together; I think they should be made together. 

Granted, having that timeline decided doesn’t necessarily make the waiting easier (I’ve got about 1.5 months left on my SO-initiated timeline). I’m basicially an anxious mess just below the surface. The biggest thing is to make sure you’re on the same page though. Then at least you’re anxious/excited about the when and how, not the if. 

Post # 10
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee

I have been waiting 2.5 years and i want to seriously kill myself. It is so hard…i cry everyday. I also wear my ring any chance i can get away with it. He has had the ring for a month now. Miserable. 

Post # 11
Member
10220 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I wish I had comforting words for all of our dear Waiting Bees.  But, I don’t.  I was super lucky–I didn’t have to wait, Dh did.  He’s a very patient man, so I don’t think he suffered over it the way we do.

Patience is one virtue I lack completely–I’d never make it as a Waiting Bee. 

Just wanted to check in with some support for all of you.  I can imagine how frustrated & resentful you must feel at times.  Do any of you do couples’ counseling?

One observation, if I may.  From reading dozens of waiting posts, one common theme seems to be that the men are hell bent on doing it “their way” come hell or high water.  Not fair, but it appears to be the reality.

Wishing all of you the proposals of your dreams & soon.

Post # 12
Member
1270 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

I second all comments about getting confirmation that you’re both on the same page.

I also feel for you and the other waiting bees. It is a tricky time where many revert from being an equal partner in all other aspects, to having to depend on someone else.

I suggest checking out the Waiting Board and the Waiting List. Lots of helpful threads and friendly bees about.

Post # 13
Member
1270 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Just re-read my above post and it doesn’t read as I’d meant it – so meant to say: going from being an equal partner on all decisions to having to wait on someone else for this one thing. Or at least, I certainly felt that way!

 

 

Post # 14
Member
246 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: The Hayloft

This sounds just like my situation. We’ve been together nearly 7.5 years and this is mostly due to our young age but it became incredibly difficult for me toward the end to be patient. When you so desperately want to be engaged and move forward it seems like everyone else that has been with their SO for less than half the time is getting engaged. What you’re feeling in my opinion is completely normal. I’ll tell you something my fiancé told me that did help. If you know that he loves you and you love him and you know that an engagement is on the horizon try not to compare your relationship to theirs. What you have and what they have Are not the same.

Toward the end it became really difficult to wait and be patient but it’s also important not to pressure him too much. You never want to have that nagging thought when it’s all said and done about whether he did it because of what you said or of his own accord. 

It’s a hard balance though depending on your age. If you two are older than we are I have a harder time understanding the wait and can sympathize with you. 

Post # 15
Member
1746 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
Gymgirlx:  “If you live together, have sex, playing house, I think a man often waits longer… You’ll already them playing like you’re married.”

Agree with this 150%.

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