Waiting for almost a year

posted 3 weeks ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
13973 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

You are not being unreasonable. He just doesn’t want to propose. Seriously, it’s as simple as that. He has had ample opportunity and keeps coming up with excuses. 

Post # 3
Member
5149 posts
Bee Keeper

Start looking around for another man since this one is clearly looking for any excuse to put off an engagement. I happen to think that women in your position make a mistake by holding on and hoping.They just waste their own time while the boyfriend strings them along with promises of a future engagement that is always just out of range. 

Post # 4
Member
3439 posts
Sugar bee

I agree with PPs – he is making excuses – really ridiculous ones too. I read your post twice and there is zero reason why he couldn’t have proposed already. I would set a walk date in your head and stick with it. No more discussions – it is clear you want to be engaged and he knows it. He is actively choosing NOT to propose. Decide how many more weeks of your life you want to waste hoping for him to determine that “the time is right”. UGH. I can almost predict more:

1. I want to lock down a job first.

2. I need to get settled in my new job first.

3. I need to buy a house first.

4. Just move in – I promise a proposal is coming soon!

….and then it’s been 2 years with no committment.

 

Post # 5
Member
262 posts
Helper bee

You said it yourself you want to be with a man who can’t wait to marry you. Let me tell you when a man wants to marry you nothing stands in his way. Your BF is just stringing you along time to move on.

Also the buying / selling a house within a month is a huge financial red flag for me. Best of luck.

Post # 6
Member
9143 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
@lovelyk12:  He bought a house and a month later decided he didn’t like it anymore so he sold it at a loss? …. How often does he buy houses? Was the purchase not a big deal to him? He liked it well enough to initially plan for you to move into it with him — what did he discover within 30 days that had not been uncovered by an inspection and was bad enough to make him sell the house? None of this concerns you or makes you question his decision-making?

Post # 7
Member
1628 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

Now that I’m in the process of simply looking at houses to buy, I know what a pain in the ass real estate is. I agree that selling the house after a month, at a loss, is a huge red flag. Impulsive, commitment phobe, financially irresponsible.

That red flag alone would give me pause, but on top of that, he’s stalling. Are you sure he didn’t sell the house so he could get out of living with you? I’ve never heard of anyone selling a lived in home after a month. It’s simply not done. It’s time consuming, expensive, emotionally draining, anxiety inducing. 

One thing this does show about him is he can get something done if he wants to.

Post # 8
Member
1634 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Stop framing your responses as “understanding”. You’re practicing being a doormat.

If he had come to you in advance of these missed deadlines to explain why he might want to put of getting engaged, got your feedback and came up with a plan you both agreed to.. that would be understanding. 

Going along w excuse after excuse after he passes deadline after deadline isn’t understanding. You are purposefully not understanding that he misleads you, doesn’t want to propose to you and has taken you for granted.

Post # 9
Member
753 posts
Busy bee

Why would you wait around and then make another timeline? He’s already shown he doesn’t keep his word or make you a priority. He could waste another year of your life with excuses. Be done with him and get out there and  find a decent guy.

Post # 10
Member
9143 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
@lovelyk12:  Another thought about the house: You had told him you would not move in until you were “at least engaged”. If he was respecting your standard, him asking you in April to move in with him in July means that when he bought the house he was max 2-3 months away from asking you to marry him. He reinforced this assumption by telling you he would propose soon. So why were you not involved in the selection, purchase, and then immediate selling of what would presumably have been your marital home? 

Either he never intended to propose, or he bought himself a house and expected his wife to live in it just because he said so. And then he sold it. The first option (never intended to propose) is the most likely one, but honestly none of this makes sense.

Post # 12
Member
1185 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
@Daisy_Mae:  This, 100%!!!

OP, three months before we got engaged, my OH wouldn’t even buy a car without consulting with me and ensuring I was happy with the purchase.  The fact that your OH is happy to buy a house and then resell it without consulting you says all that needs to be said about this relationship. 

Either he doesn’t see you as part of his long term future, or he only sees you as part of it if you are a mindless cipher who just says ‘yes dear’ to everything he wants.  I’m so sorry, but I think you need to end this now.

Post # 13
Member
2321 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Passing over the house situation and the job difficulties, a man who tells you he’s “financially fine” to buy you a ring, buys a new car for himself, and keeps you waiting… oof. He is not making you or getting engaged a priority. 

I’m really sorry, Bee. I’d imagine this situation is simply a symptom of a much bigger issue– he does not view you as an equal partner, and your feelings appear to be of little consequence. Set that mental walk date and take your power back. There is no reason to sit around waiting on him to prioritize you. He clearly doesn’t believe you’ll walk away if he keeps dragging his feet, so show him differently.  

Post # 14
Member
44 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2021 - Mackinac Island, MI

I don’t think it’s always an immediate bad sign if a proposal doesn’t happen as planned. I personally am not a fan of setting an engagement timeline, but that’s just me. 

It does sound like he doesn’t want to get engaged right now though. I would have a serious conversation with him about whether he’s actually ready. It’s not a bad thing if he’s not ready, but if he’s not and you’re putting pressure in him this could hurt hurt your relationship more than it will help it. 

Post # 15
Member
5149 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
@teachingbee8:  Give me a break. Dont start talking about the OP “putting pressure” on the relationship. Just don’t, it’s way off base. The pressure in the relationship is coming from the false promises the boyfriend makes. 

OP, it is not putting pressure on someone to say you expected to be engaged after he promised to do so. The OP doesn’t have to figure out if her boyfriend wants to get engaged; taking no action *is* an action.

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