Post # 1
Member
23 posts
Newbee
Hello!
I am going to try and be as brief as possible.
My bf (30) and I (27) have been together for over two and a half years. I have made it clear since the beginning I didn’t want to move in with him until we were at least engaged. In April last year he bought a house and asked me to move in because my lease was going to be up in July, he told me he was going to propose SOON, he seemed super excited and we talked about rings, he asked for my ring size, and the kind cut and band I wanted, he seemed really serious, and I was beyond excited. Fast forward a month and he is unhappy with the house he purchased and ends up selling it so I end up re signing my lease. I consider myself a very understanding person so I know he just lost some money with reselling this house so I ask him where the engagement stands, he tells me that he didn’t lose that much money that he is fine money wise and that it will happen at the end of summer. September comes, and nothing. At this point I’m hurt and feel like an idiot. I have a convo with him and he tells me that he found out a week ago that he could potentially lose his job in December but he won’t know until then so now he says he wants to wait until he knows for sure about his job. I am not happy but like I say I understand this is unfortunate and he reassures me that this engagement will happen soon. December comes and he is let go. He is not happy but tells me his last day of work is March 31st and then they give him severance pay. So he tells me he has plenty of time to find another job and isn’t worried, he again mentions he isn’t worried money wise either. So I just don’t understand why not propose, he knows I don’t want a huge expensive ring I just want the commitment and what It represents and I’m ready to take that step and I am trying to be understanding of everything but it’s starting to look like excuses to me. He bought a car two months ago, he didn’t really need one but I just feel like he is not prioritizing me and what I want and I don’t know if I’m being selfish but it’s almost gonna be a year from when he first brought up getting engaged and I just feel torn. I want to be with someone who can’t wait to marry me and it doesn’t feel that way. I love him very much but I also have plans for my future. What should I do? We already had a timeline that he set and skipped over so I don’t wanna do that again. should I Wait until the end of March when he starts his new job and bring it up once again? Should I have a timeline in my head and actually go through with it? Am I being unreasonable about all of this?
Post # 2
Member
13973 posts
Honey Beekeeper
You are not being unreasonable. He just doesn’t want to propose. Seriously, it’s as simple as that. He has had ample opportunity and keeps coming up with excuses.
Post # 3
Member
5149 posts
Bee Keeper
Start looking around for another man since this one is clearly looking for any excuse to put off an engagement. I happen to think that women in your position make a mistake by holding on and hoping.They just waste their own time while the boyfriend strings them along with promises of a future engagement that is always just out of range.
Post # 4
Member
3439 posts
Sugar bee
I agree with PPs – he is making excuses – really ridiculous ones too. I read your post twice and there is zero reason why he couldn’t have proposed already. I would set a walk date in your head and stick with it. No more discussions – it is clear you want to be engaged and he knows it. He is actively choosing NOT to propose. Decide how many more weeks of your life you want to waste hoping for him to determine that “the time is right”. UGH. I can almost predict more:
1. I want to lock down a job first.
2. I need to get settled in my new job first.
3. I need to buy a house first.
4. Just move in – I promise a proposal is coming soon!
….and then it’s been 2 years with no committment.
Post # 5
Member
262 posts
Helper bee
You said it yourself you want to be with a man who can’t wait to marry you. Let me tell you when a man wants to marry you nothing stands in his way. Your BF is just stringing you along time to move on.
Also the buying / selling a house within a month is a huge financial red flag for me. Best of luck.
Post # 6
Member
9143 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
@lovelyk12: He bought a house and a month later decided he didn’t like it anymore so he sold it at a loss? …. How often does he buy houses? Was the purchase not a big deal to him? He liked it well enough to initially plan for you to move into it with him — what did he discover within 30 days that had not been uncovered by an inspection and was bad enough to make him sell the house? None of this concerns you or makes you question his decision-making?
Post # 7
Member
1628 posts
Bumble bee
Now that I’m in the process of simply looking at houses to buy, I know what a pain in the ass real estate is. I agree that selling the house after a month, at a loss, is a huge red flag. Impulsive, commitment phobe, financially irresponsible.
That red flag alone would give me pause, but on top of that, he’s stalling. Are you sure he didn’t sell the house so he could get out of living with you? I’ve never heard of anyone selling a lived in home after a month. It’s simply not done. It’s time consuming, expensive, emotionally draining, anxiety inducing.
One thing this does show about him is he can get something done if he wants to.
Post # 8
Member
1634 posts
Bumble bee
Stop framing your responses as “understanding”. You’re practicing being a doormat.
If he had come to you in advance of these missed deadlines to explain why he might want to put of getting engaged, got your feedback and came up with a plan you both agreed to.. that would be understanding.
Going along w excuse after excuse after he passes deadline after deadline isn’t understanding. You are purposefully not understanding that he misleads you, doesn’t want to propose to you and has taken you for granted.
Post # 9
Member
753 posts
Busy bee
Why would you wait around and then make another timeline? He’s already shown he doesn’t keep his word or make you a priority. He could waste another year of your life with excuses. Be done with him and get out there and find a decent guy.
Post # 10
Member
9143 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
@lovelyk12: Another thought about the house: You had told him you would not move in until you were “at least engaged”. If he was respecting your standard, him asking you in April to move in with him in July means that when he bought the house he was max 2-3 months away from asking you to marry him. He reinforced this assumption by telling you he would propose soon. So why were you not involved in the selection, purchase, and then immediate selling of what would presumably have been your marital home?
Either he never intended to propose, or he bought himself a house and expected his wife to live in it just because he said so. And then he sold it. The first option (never intended to propose) is the most likely one, but honestly none of this makes sense.
Post # 11
Member
23 posts
Newbee
@Daisy_Mae:
He bought a house that was across the street from a really loud bar. A very poor decision on his side. We had a big discussion about it because I also thought it was crazy and impulsive. He felt awful about it and the whole thing left him emotionally drained.
But yeah he definitely gets things done when he wants to which I just dont think getting enaged is one of them. I just wish he would just be forward with me about it.
thanks for your input.
Post # 12
Member
1185 posts
Bumble bee
@Daisy_Mae: This, 100%!!!
OP, three months before we got engaged, my OH wouldn’t even buy a car without consulting with me and ensuring I was happy with the purchase. The fact that your OH is happy to buy a house and then resell it without consulting you says all that needs to be said about this relationship.
Either he doesn’t see you as part of his long term future, or he only sees you as part of it if you are a mindless cipher who just says ‘yes dear’ to everything he wants. I’m so sorry, but I think you need to end this now.
Post # 13
Member
2321 posts
Buzzing bee
Passing over the house situation and the job difficulties, a man who tells you he’s “financially fine” to buy you a ring, buys a new car for himself, and keeps you waiting… oof. He is not making you or getting engaged a priority.
I’m really sorry, Bee. I’d imagine this situation is simply a symptom of a much bigger issue– he does not view you as an equal partner, and your feelings appear to be of little consequence. Set that mental walk date and take your power back. There is no reason to sit around waiting on him to prioritize you. He clearly doesn’t believe you’ll walk away if he keeps dragging his feet, so show him differently.
Post # 14
Member
44 posts
Newbee
- Wedding: July 2021 - Mackinac Island, MI
I don’t think it’s always an immediate bad sign if a proposal doesn’t happen as planned. I personally am not a fan of setting an engagement timeline, but that’s just me.
It does sound like he doesn’t want to get engaged right now though. I would have a serious conversation with him about whether he’s actually ready. It’s not a bad thing if he’s not ready, but if he’s not and you’re putting pressure in him this could hurt hurt your relationship more than it will help it.
Post # 15
Member
5149 posts
Bee Keeper
@teachingbee8: Give me a break. Dont start talking about the OP “putting pressure” on the relationship. Just don’t, it’s way off base. The pressure in the relationship is coming from the false promises the boyfriend makes.
OP, it is not putting pressure on someone to say you expected to be engaged after he promised to do so. The OP doesn’t have to figure out if her boyfriend wants to get engaged; taking no action *is* an action.