Post # 1
So, I’ve been quietly reading boards on this website for the past couple months now, and I’ve read a lot of similar posts to my story. I feel a bit nervous giving too many specific details, so please bear with me.
My boyfriend and I (he’s 33 and I’ll be turning 26 this summer) have been together for about 2 and a half years, and have been living together for over a year. The engagement stress basically started last June, following his sister’s wedding in May. Whenever anyone would ask about us getting engaged, he’d often just say “I’m not going to worry about it until after my sister’s wedding.” The wedding came and went so I started thinking that it might happen during the summer. It was already causing me a lot of stress last summer because, as the summer progressed, it was clearly not happening. We were disagreeing/arguing quite a bit and I was sad a lot (lots of crying, ugh). By September 2018, we had an actual sit-down talk of what we both expect out of the relationship. He said he wants to get married and would propose within the year. Fine. Fastforward to February 2019 (all the holidays from Thanksgiving to New Years passed with nothing) and I heard through the grapevine that he was thinking of proposing August 2019. I felt so upset and betrayed in a way? I felt like he shouldn’t have said within the year if he really meant basically a year after our conversation. I’ve just felt like a lot of small comments that have been made by him (after the sister’s wedding, he wanted to live together for a year, etc.) were misundrestood by me, my friends and family.
Now it’s May 2019 and I honestly expected it to have happened by now. It’s caused me so much stress and anxiety, and I don’t even feel excited about the engagement anymore. There’s been other factors (issues with a family diamond he wanted to use) that I believe has delayed the process somewhat, but I just don’t feel like he’s in a rush or feeling ambitious to do it. He says he feels bad when I get upset or that he feels bad that I don’t trust what he says, but I feel like he also is the one with the “power” to change the situation. I wouldn’t want him to propose just because I’m sad or nagging him to, but when he says that he feels bad that it upsets me so badly it almost makes it worse since he’s known what to do about it for almost a year now. Anytime someone else gets engaged we have a discussion because he can tell it upsets me so much. Many people have told me to just stop talking about it and give myself a timeline, like if he doesn’t do anything by this August to say something again, but it’s hard to hide feeling sad or disappointed.
Does anyone have any advice on how to stop or at least lessen the waiting period anxiety? I already feel like I’m ruining the whole thing for the both of us by asking so many questions and crying/being upset all the time. My therapist even made a comment that she feels like I won’t be happy when he actually proposes because it’s stressed me so much waiting for it. I hope that isn’t true.
Post # 2
If your timeline is a year from last September, I don’t think it’s fair of you to be upset that he might do it in August.
That said, there are a lot of preliminary steps before that. From your post, I can’t tell if he’s planning and preparing anything yet. Has he asked you what style of rings you like? Has he mentioned wanting to take a trip? Do you have an upcoming birthday or anniversary between now and August? You need these small hints and milestones while you’re waiting, and if he’s not giving that, I can understand why you feel kinda hopeless.
You would absolutely be within your right to confront him again in September. In the meantime, focus on your therapy and building a stronger relationship with open communication. I’m waiting till September too (my 4th anniversary), so I know how it is. Sending hugs.
Post # 3
thunderbee : His favorite words to say are “I have a plan” lol. We’ve looked at rings together so he knows what I like/don’t like. I guess I just felt like it wasn’t fair of him to say “within a year” if he really meant almost a year away. He ended up changing the August plan after talking to my mom, so I know it’ll be before August. I’ll have to wait and see!
Good luck with your waiting, too! Hopefully it comes soon for you 🙂
Post # 4
- Wedding: September 2019 - City, State
Not to be silly, but did you consider moving out and letting him see how much he will be missing if he doesn’t make it official? I think sometimes our men get a little lazy when they have everything they would have with a wife at home without making the extra committment. No judgement from me, just an option for you to consider.
Post # 5
ugh. my SO and i have been together for 2 years now and living together for over a year now. We plan to move cities within the year, begin his business, and also get married. so theres a lot going on. So i am not pressuring ANYTHING. but he does want to get married either right before we move or right after. So weve ring shopped, and im not in that waiting phase.
bc we talk about it often, i dont feel im left in the dark of ‘is he going to?’ good luck to you, i have a feeling it’ll be soon! 🙂
Post # 6
I don’t really see an answer here. I hate that women are subjects to the man’s decisions, not a party in the process. In these situations it is almost humiliating.
If he isn’t ready to say he wants to marry you, and its eating you up… you need to move on, either emotionally or physically or both. For your own mental health. Complaining and crying won’t change his heart.
You are young, is my only comment, you have alot of time either with or without him
It’s true the sweetness surrounding engagement may end up poisoned with you, as it has not met your expectations.
Would you be able to release those expectations, and focus on marrying the man you love, if it happens? It’s true, people get comfortable at different speeds for a variety of reasons that may have nothing to do with you.
Or Will You Always Feel Not worthy, Not Good enough, Unsure About His true feelings ? Will that resentment affect your love towards him?
I am glad you are in therapy. I have alot of experience in your situation and I will say, in my first marriage I never felt good enough…
Post # 7
beekind10 : He gave you the timeline of a year and it sounds like he’s sticking to it. If you weren’t okay with waiting a year, why didn’t you say that to him last September?
Real talk: you started to get anxious and stressed about the lack of a proposal only a year and a half into the relationship. For a lot of people, that is pretty early to be feeling resentful. Is there a reason you’re in such a hurry? It sounds like you’ll be getting engaged around the 2 1/2 year mark and that’s a pretty normal timeline. It’s not like he’s already blown previously agreed on timelines or keeps moving the goalposts. It also sounds like you didn’t clearly and honestly communicate your feelings to him at first. Then when you finally did talk to him about it, you weren’t honest about what you were actually comfortable with.
Post # 8
do you rent, or own? if rent, when is your lease up?
if the proposal does not come by August, i would move out.
Post # 9
- Wedding: September 2019 - City, State
Bee within a year means within a year…From Sept to Sept. “I guess I just felt like it wasn’t fair of him to say within a year if he meant almost a year” he said what he meant and time isn’t even up yet. And you know for sure it’s going to be in August but your still upset. Girl relax. Give him a chance to make good on what he said geez. He said within a year so breathe and let it happen and if it doesn’t by Sept than sit down and have a timeline set for yourself.
Post # 10
Becca3 : I think i’d only consider it later down the line, if nothing happens.
ladama : Good luck to you, too! 🙂
bctoquebec : He has mentioned that he wants to marry me. I sometimes just wonder if actions speak louder than words. Thank you for your advice 🙂
llevinso : We’ve discussed that our ideas of “within the year” weren’t the same. I probably should have voiced that back in September, I just honestly didn’t think this would still be something we’re talking about now. I think I just want the commitment to be there, due to his age and the fact that we’ve been living together for a while now. I probably didn’t need to get so worked up last summer, but I felt like he was making hints that it was going to happen sooner than it was going to. Thank you for your advice 🙂
yaara : I’ve given myself until August to have a timeline to have another discussion, just for my own sanity. I’d have to see if that means moving out, taking a break or whatever. Thanks for your comment 🙂
keviah12 : I totally hear you; I know that my anxiety isn’t always rational. I don’t know why i can’t trust what he says and just relax. Thank you for your advice 🙂
Thanks everyone for commenting on my post. I should mention that he pulled it back from August so I’m supposedly not event waiting until then for it. it’s just that dates have gone by where he has said now that he would’ve done it then; like “Oh, I would’ve done it on our vacation in March if we went to this place” or hearing from someone that he was planning to do it in April instead and that came and went, too. So in my really bad moments I just feel a bit dragged around or (dramatic) lied to in a way.
Post # 11
I take issue with people talking about the rushing aspect of getting engaged and married. If both partners are saying to each other that they know they want to marry each other and are certain, than there is no such thing as rushing that because it already IS a fact.
If someone you are in a relationship with tells you that they want to marry you and they have no doubts about that fact, than you aren’t rushing them period. If someone wants to play the “stop pressuring me, im not ready” Game, then maybe they shouldn’t say things they don’t mean! If you don’t want to get engaged then how about you don’t tell the girl you want to marry her and your 100% sure of that.
It is just so freaking lame. It is not being pushy or rushing, or any of that garbage to expect that when someone says they want something that they actually meant that!! And I am so sick and tired of this bullshit grey area where a guy gets to play both sides. He can say he wants to marry a girl but then not be ready. WHAT?!! that makes zero sense. You either know you want to marry someone, know that is your person or you don’t. There isn’t some halfway point where you get to promise someone the world but then say, but im not ready. Its fine to just say, I don’t know if I am 100% sure I want to marry you yet. But we all need to stop accepting the bullshit grey area where the guy gets all the benefits of getting to promise a girl he is all in, but then not have to follow through.
I had that discussion with my boyfriend months ago. He said to me why are we rushing? I said, you of your own will told me months ago that if you had the money you would go out and buy me a ring tomorrow. You also told me unprompted a few weeks ago that if I wanted to you would go down to the courthouse the next day and get married. So me wanting to get engaged soon is not in anyway rushing anything. I can’t rush something you already said you were 100% on board for. He looked suprised and was like, wow you have a point I understand. I said, are you completely sure you want to get married and spend our lives together? He said, yes I am all in. I said ok then, so lets get engaged by x month.
Sometimes you just have to call out the obvious. There is such a cultral steriotype of women being pushy and men not wanting to commit. It is so ingrained in us that I had to literally point out to my boyfriend that if he was sure about marrying me, than its natural to want to go ahead and do that instead of waiting for a random amount of time for no real reason at all. It was like a lightbulb went off for him when I pointed out what I thought was obvious.
Post # 12
My personal impression is that you are giving the proposal/engagement too much power in your life and letting it drive you into an anxious spiral.
You are empowered here – this is not something he or the situation is doing to you. You are allowing it to upset you and steal your joy.
You do have the option to just relax and enjoy your relationship, knowing that he loves you and will propose. Honestly, if he does it when you are 26 and a half or 27, what difference does it make? Really? He has not lied to you or betrayed you, and I honestly think you need to check yourself.
Is it worth lots of arguments and damage to your relationship and souring of the proposal? I really don’t think so. You’ve allowed your expectations and your comparison with other couples to gallop away with you, and it is within your power to control.
Post # 13
beekind10 : wtf is with these faux-posals?! He said he wants to marry you and you already told him you want to marry him. So why are you allowing him to jerk you around with this? If two people agree to get married, they’re then engaged. So tell him you want to set a date and go ring shopping. If you’re afraid to say this or he baulks when you say it then you’ll know he is just blowing smoke and doesn’t want to marry you….I would plan my exit strategy. Girl this is 2019, not 1919, take charge! You live with this man, you love this man, you allow him inside your body, don’t just say a few words, hope he’ll eventually come through, and sit back and cry…
Post # 14
Sorry I’m a little confused… he said within a year and August 2019 is within the year… within a year and almost a year after your convo are the same things… it’s within a year….
He is taking steps towards a proposal since you mentioned that something about a family diamond held things up a bit… obviously you know he’s taking steps. What exactly is the issue? 2.5 years isn’t SO ridiculously long that it would seem that he’s stringing you along. And now you hear that it’s going to be before August…. id say sit back and relax and let it happen. Honestly I understand other bees points of views of “if you both know u want to be married then just get engaged” and that women shouldn’t be left waiting and waiting but the men usually want it to be special and try to plan it out nicely. If you guys said within the year last September, there is no need to rush him and make yourself anxious thinking it needs to happen ASAP. If you weren’t happy with the year timeline, you shouldn’t have agreed to it. If by September nothing has happened, then revisit your convo or leave but for now I don’t see any issues! Early congrats I hope it happens for you soon!
Post # 15
I was in a similar situation. We were really young but I was ready to get engaged at 20. He’s 6 months older and he waited until he had just turned 23. Conversations that we had were always “we’ll get married 2-3 years down the line.” It got to the point where he was sick of me crying that it was never going to happen. He eventually realized that we wanted the same thing and also used the words “I have a plan.” I wish I had just let him work through it without making it a constant fight. We’re getting married at the same time that we would’ve without getting engaged so early and it was just uncessary drama and heartache to put all that pressure on it. It seems so silly to have been worried about all of that now. I’d give him some more time and try to think about how great it’ll be, how lucky you are to have a partner you love who loves you too. I know it’s tough but that seems like your best option right now!