Waiting for engagement is causing resentment and anxiety

posted 5 months ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
4057 posts
Honey bee

If two people are being HONEST when they say they want to marry each other, why must there be a wait between that and the proposal scene? Why must there be some complicated plan that takes more time to coordinate than D Day? Answer: Because someone isn’t being honest.  

Why do people act like 2.5 years is much too early to be concerned that the relationship may not progress? It’s long enough to be sure you want to be married to the person? 

Why is it ok for this guy to brush off her concerns with a story about a family diamond and that’s why the holdup? Why is it her fault for pressing too hard? 

Why is it her fault for feeling misled by nebulous phrases such as “after my sister’s wedding” and “within THE year” in  2018. ( which actually means within THE year 2018) Had he said “within a year” or given a timeline that wasn’t so fluid and vague, I’m sure she wouldn’t be feeling so upset.

Waiting just to wait is dumb, and it’s harmful in many cases. He’s 33, she’s 26, they’ve lived together for a year. Let’s be real, what are they waiting for?    

Answer: for him to DECIDE. And women are saying this is perfectly ok and she should just be content with waiting and accept whatever he may offer. This is one fucked up mentality and frankly I see where people get the idea that men should control women’s reproductive lives. They seem to control so much else, and women give them this right.

Post # 17
Member
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

beekind10 :  awh. I’m at the beginning of this (“90% by Christmas”), so I empathize. *hugs*

Post # 19
Member
72 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

This was me. We’d been together 6 years, living together 2. We’d had lots of conversations and were on the same page, but I was still waiting and waiting (10-12 months) and anxious and getting resentful and feeling like he was ruining what should be a happy time for both of us. Long story short, he was waiting for a big trip that was planned with my family so we could celebrate with all of  them in person. I still give him a hard time about it, but if I’m honest it was really sweet that he wanted us to be able to be with them afterward and we do have a great story. BUT, I agree with everything sunburn said. Only you know your relationship. Good luck!

Post # 20
Member
734 posts
Busy bee

sunburn :  

I think these are some huge conclusions you are jumping to.

I’ve read all the posts, and no one said she “should just be content with waiting and accept whatever he may offer.”

No one said it was “her fault.”

There is also no indication in the OP’s post that the relationship “may not progress.”

And I think your definition of “within the year” is definitely open to interpretation.

Other bees here were simply expressing a different opinion of the OP’s situation from their perspective. From my point of view anyway, it seems like the OP has been getting anxious and argumentative about this aspect from very early on in their relationship, and that has a very real chance of putting him off and stealing her joy at getting a proposal. That will harm her in the end, and I don’t think it’s anti-women to point this out. They are only two and a half years into their relationship, the guy has reassured her, he hasn’t missed any timeline. It’s too early to make any decisions or for all this angst.

I think it’s a pretty big leap to jump from that point of view to saying that some women are endorsing “men controlling women’s reproductive lives.”

Let’s all have some common sense about this.

Women are allowed to have a more balanced view of a situation and to have a different point of view about relationships without handing over their woman-card at the door.

 

Post # 21
Member
734 posts
Busy bee

ladyjane123 :  

“If someone you are in a relationship with tells you that they want to marry you and they have no doubts about that fact, than you aren’t rushing them period.”

I don’t necessarily want to get into a back and forth with you about this, but do you think it’s possible that the guy in the situation you describe said he wanted to marry the girl because she asked him if he did and he realised he couldn’t very well say anything else? How often do you think a guy says that because he believes (rightly or wrongly) that answering that he is not sure, or is not ready yet will cause an argument/upset/drama or that he will lose the girl/relationship?

I’m not saying his mentality is right in this instance, I’m simply pointing out that fear on the man’s part might make him say something in the moment which he may want to be true but that he doesn’t mean to be taken literally.

I’d be more inclined to take his words seriously if the guy and the girl had been together for a reasonable length of time (say at least a year to 2 years) and he, completely unprompted and unasked and in a very level-headed fashion, told her he wanted to marry her and then started to make practical plans.

I’m not sure how seriously you can take a guy’s promises when they’ve been dragged out of him.

Personally (and again, it’s not a perfect solution, but this is not a perfect world), I’ve found it more effective to believe a man’s actions more than his words.

Post # 22
Member
219 posts
Helper bee

beekind10 :  Your story and timeline is so similar to mine, except we are older.

 I understand exactly how you feel, I’ve been the same, crying, talking about it all the time. Have internally set many walk dates etc

My SO has more counselling first week of June for his fears of marriage, I think he thinks things will change and I’ll turn horrible, I don’t know, it’s incredibly frustrating. We have had some calm encouraging talks about it. I do trust him and have decided to wait. 

But for me I’ve already had children and if I don’t marry him, I’m not in a hurry to marry anyone else. One thing that has helped is therapy and taking antidepressants. I don’t feel as obsessed anymore. I definitely want to be married, but it was also about being “chosen “ I first sent pics of rings May 2018, he bought my ring December 2018 and it’s in the safe!! 🙁  He has since apologised and reassured me it’s not a “shut up” ring.

If you feel like a chat feel free to PM 

Hope you feel better, although people try to help on here don’t get too down with any negative comments, they don’t know your relationship like you do. 

Post # 23
Member
952 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

sunburn :  As to why people are acting like 2.5 years is much too early to know, I think it’s because people are dating longer and longer and have a skewed perspective about what a normal time line looks like.  My husband and I started talking about marriage after a year and a half of dating and a lot of my friends, who have been dating their so for 5+ years, thought that was crazy early to be talking about marriage.   I’ve seen people on here say that you can’t really know someone unless you’ve dated at least 2 years and lived with them for another year.  

Post # 24
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

indigobee :  I see your point and I agree that most likely does happen. I pointed out that possibility in my own comment on this post. But we need to demand better of our partner than to be telling us lies instead of the truth. 

Most of all, we all need to stand up for ourselves when we find ourselves in a situation where the guy has said he wants to marry us, but then claims we are pushing. In that scenario its appropriate and necessary to call out that bullshit.

” Well it can’t be both, you either feel that I am the one you want to spend your life with, or you aren’t sure yet. There is no middle ground so no, we aren’t going to play a game where you say you want to marry me, but then when I try to make plans you accuse me of rushing you or pushing you. If you aren’t sure I am the one you want to marry than lets explore why that is. But our relationship needs to be built on honesty no matter how hard that is.” 

Post # 25
Member
5573 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

oceangirl40 :  As to why people are acting like 2.5 years is much too early to know, I think it’s because people are dating longer and longer and have a skewed perspective about what a normal time line looks like. 

Just because people are dating for longer doesn’t make it a skewed perspective or abnormal, if anything it is the new normal to date for longer before marriage.  Great for you that you got engaged at 1.5 years but that doesn’t work for everyone.  Marriage is the rest of your life and there is nothing abnormal about not being ready to commit the entire rest of your life to someone after less than a year, everyone works on their own time.  If anything it becoming normal to date for longer is a good thing and is probably one of the largest factors contributing to a pretty large decline in divorce rates. 

Post # 26
Member
952 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

zzar45 :  I didn’t get engaged at 1 and a half years, that’s just when we started talking about it.  And maybe normal wasn’t the right word to use as there is no one normal for everyone but I knew after a year that I wanted to marry my husband.   I didn’t need 5 + years to gat to know him.  If someone else needs that much time then that’s fine but don’t push that timeline on everyone,  which I often see on the bee.  It might make sense for younger people but people in their 30s and beyond usually know what they’re looking for in a partner and if marriage is for them.   If they need to date for over 2 years and still haven’t decided then it’s because they just don’t want to get married.   

Post # 27
Member
5573 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

oceangirl40 :   If they need to date for over 2 years and still haven’t decided then it’s because they just don’t want to get married.   

Your own experience is massively colouring your view, that is such a reaching statement and not true at all.  As I said just because you were ready after 1.5 years doesn’t mean someone shouldn’t or doewsn’t want to get married if that isn’t the case. 

Post # 28
Member
7813 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Reading between the lines, my take on this is that your bf is happy with you but maybe not emotionally ready to get engaged yet. Just the word choice he’s used about it – “I’m not going to worry about it until after my sister’s wedding” – is somewhat telling.

You are pushing so hard for this, and that’s putting pressure on him cause he’s not quite there yet. If he was there, he’d just do it, because there’s no good reason to delay doing something that would make the both of you feel happy and more secure in the relationship. Probably, he is hoping to get there on his own before your timeline expires, that way there won’t have to be an uncomfortable convo where he confesses to you that he’s not ready yet.

ETA whoops I posted this before I was done writing! Ok so in this case I don’t think either one of you is really in the wrong. I understand your anxiety, but I also don’t fault your boyfriend too much, because he did say he’d propose “within the year,” and there are still several months left in that timeline – you’re the one that keeps pushing to move him along faster. The only reason I would fault him is if he knew for sure he wouldn’t be ready to propose by the end of your timeline and yet is still leading you to believe everything’s on track because he wants to avoid conflict. If that’s the case then he’s a fucker but let’s hope it’s not the case!

Post # 29
Member
6812 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

sunburn :  “If two people are being HONEST when they say they want to marry each other, why must there be a wait between that and the proposal scene? Why must there be some complicated plan that takes more time to coordinate than D Day? Answer: Because someone isn’t being honest.”

I agree with this…to an extent. Honestly I think in a lot of these cases neither party is actually okay with calling themselves engaged unless there’s an actual proposal and a ring. I know we always say you don’t need those things to actually be engaged, but I know very few people in real life that would be okay with that. In my case, my husband and I knew we wanted to get married. We already had a life together, lived together. So why did I have to “wait” to get engaged? Because I wanted him to buy a ring and make an effort. Nothing grand, but something. And he had ideas in his head too of how he wanted to propose. It worked out for us as we were open and honest with each other about our thoughts and feelings. I got my “perfect” proposal. Just the two of us, alone on a swing. And a simple ring that I adore.

This guy hasn’t given OP any reason to doubt that he’s going to keep his word. He hasn’t backtracked. He hasn’t move the goalposts. He hasn’t changed up the timeline. They agreed to one year last September and it sounds like he’s sticking with it. If this wasn’t the case then I’d agree with those raking him over the coals. But from the sound of it, he’s a good boyfriend and has been honest with her. So what’s the problem? 

Post # 30
Member
6812 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

oceangirl40 :  “If they need to date for over 2 years and still haven’t decided then it’s because they just don’t want to get married.”

I mean, this is just ridiculous. Everyone’s timelines are different. What matters is that you and your SO are on the same page and honest with one another about it. Just because you cross the magical threshold of 30 years old doesn’t mean you’re only allowed a 2 year timeline. If YOU wouldn’t be comfortable waiting that long, that’s perfectly okay. That relationship is not for you. But don’t try to force that on others. My husband and I got engaged after 4 years. And yes, we were in our 30s! The timeline worked out perfectly for us. We just celebrated our 3 year anniversary and have a wonderful 16 month old son. Everyone goes at different paces and what worked for you doesn’t work for everyone. 

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