- 5 years ago
- Wedding: June 2014
Now fellow bees, this post may seem extremely silly to some of you, and maybe it may help others relate.
I do want to mention, that I do see someone about this, I just wanted to get perspective from other brides who may feel similarly.
A little background as to Why I feel this way.
Growing up was very hard. I had no father, we were poor, and my mom and sister fought on a daily, to the point where she was always leaving. My mom put all of her problems on us, and I can kinda understand because she had no one else to really talk to about her problems. I’m not saying it was the right thing, but I can kinda get it.
It was a big deal at the time because I really looked up to her.
Anyway, as I grew older, I found out why. My mom was a drug addict. She hid it very well , until she couldn’t anymore.
The first time we caught her, she spent 10ish hours in the bathroom shooting up. At the time she told us she was taking a bath and NOT to come in. We suspected something was up when she was still in there the next morning.
She cried and begged us to forgive her, and then went to bed. Me, being me, even at 12 yrs old, Cleaned the entire bathroom which was covered in blood, and needles ect . As months went on, it got worse andworse. We ended up moving and I ended up having to start working @ 14 . HAd a terrible job, but my mom wasn’t pulling her weight. ANYWAY, as time went on,She got violent , abusive, would wake my brother and I in the middle of the night, and would be so high, she’s fall asleep in her food (so i was constantly worried I’d come home to find her dead)
LAter, I Was paying her rent and car insurance, only to find out she was using it for drugs. We got the eviction notice, and then I took my Brother and moved us into an apartment at 17.
I started UNI and then got REALLY sick. I’m telling you guys, I’ve never been so sick, but it was from the stress. Once I got myself out, my body relaxed and then pretty much attacked. I did terrible in school, went to so many appointmentsbut
then as time went on, everything got better.
I met my now Fiance,We moved to a new province together (well his old home) and then i got the dreaded call. My mom OD’d and passed. It was a very stressful and sad time, bc even though she did it herself, she was my mom and i loved her. No matter what.
Now, everything is great. I’m so happy, never been happier, but the problem is, I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop, especially when it comes to the wedding. Will something happen to us? will something terrible happen to our famillies? Will it all get taken away andthere will be no wedding? I want the wedding so bad and everything that comes with it, but i’ve never pictured I’d ever get it. Does that make sense? I’ve never pictured I’d get what other girls get (well most of them anyway).
Are good things meant to be forever? What I’m saying is, is that now that things are so good, I’m waiting for something bad to take it away. I know it’s crazy.
I just can’t shake the feeling I dunno if its my gut feeling or if it’s just being scared of being this happy when I know bad things happen to others.
Anyone else feel this way at times>?
I’d love to hear anything ( except very negative things, it’s hard already)