Post # 1
Boyfriend or Best Friend and I are waiting until marriage to move in together, his dad is a pastor, my parents are on the traditional/ conservative side and Boyfriend or Best Friend and I are religious, moving in together before marriage is just not for us.
We seem to be getting some questions as to why we don’t “try” living together first because “living together changes things”.
I don’t understand the “try”, if you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them is arguing about chores or him leaving socks around really going to change your mind? I am really asking, not trying to offend anyone, I’d really like some clarification on the “try”.
If you waited until marriage to move in together how did you handle/ answer the naysayers? Any support would be awesome!
Post # 3
I totally commend you for what you guys are doing. I think its awesome. It does change things but you dont have to answer to ANYONE this is what you want to do dont let people sway your own opinion and religous beliefs. Kuddos to you two 🙂
Post # 4
Personally, I do think that everyone should “try” living together before they get married. It takes a very long time to get used to living with your SO. It’s not just dirty socks and chores…it’s about 29038509348098 different things that you will drive each other nuts about. It’s a HUGE period of adjustment.
When I say “try,” I guess I mean work out these issues before you get married. Not “try” and then just give up if it’s hard. I am not trying to be a debbie downer, but I would NEVER want to relive the first year Fiance and I lived together, and I certainly wouldn’t want it to be my first year of marriage.
For people asking you, just say it’s religious reasons and leave it at that.
Post # 5
Why people continue to think that if you just heard their view of why you’re living your relationship it would suddenly change everything. We’re on the opposite side of the fence (lived together before marriage or engagement and got a lot of grief about it) and I think that people are just never happy.
We just told people that we’re very happy and confident in our relationship, and that’s what is important. While our personal views may be different from yours, I think it’s basically the same situation and it’s equally inappropriate for people to interject their opinion unwanted.
For the record, our first year living together was a seamless transition because we had spent so much time together beforehand/gone on many, many vacations together, and talked about so much. There wasn’t a single surprise.
Post # 6
You have to do what is right for you. Just tell people that these are your beliefs, they don’t have to agree with them. Don’t feel like you have to answer to anyone or justify your decision.
A lot of peoplelive together before marriage nowadays. People tend to ask questions when we do something outside the norm- which is I think what you are getting.
But, I’d caution you, marriage is about a lot more than love.
Post # 7
hotchildinthecity – Thank you for your honesty! I don’t know if it is the romantic or the optimist in me but when you said, “but I would NEVER want to relive the first year Fiance and I lived together, and I certainly wouldn’t want it to be my first year of marriage” I see that as; even after all those different adjustments and a hard 1st year you two still decided to get engaged and it most likely made you guys stronger having gone through that. Yes? In my situation it’ll make our marriage stronger. 🙂
lilyfaith – I feel that our transition will be seamless too, we have a very strong relationship, have been together almost 4 years and see each other EVERY NIGHT. We know the ins and outs of each other. I know that he tends to leav his shoes in the middle of my room, lol, it did erk me but now we joke about it. I smile at him when I pick them up and move them and he smiles back and says, “oops!” LoL, still continues to leave them there.
Angela83 – Thanks, definiely marriage and relationships are about a LOT more than just love. We have taken relationship classes at church and I am a huge Dr. Laura fan and those have really helped us remain strong.
Post # 8
Kudos to you!
I do not believe in living together as a trial phase either. For us, we moved in after engagement, but it was not a trial.
Yes, living together requires adjustments, but quarrels about choirs should not be a dealbreaker in a relationship. However, it is important that you have discussed and agreed on many things before you do move in – choirs, finances, etc – but you know that!
To Naysayers, you do not owe any explanation; just that this is your choice and what you believe in. If you feel like you really want to answer, a possible answer would be that as a Christian, you are asked to put your trust in God to find the right partner for you: if you live together as a trial period, you’re putting your trust in that trial to decide whether or not this is the right partner, not in God.
I find that this is the most solid answer you can give.
Post # 9
OMG. Not living together first has worked for eons. You’re fine. Honestly, if you have to live with someone to learn that he’s messy and you’re clean, he’s an early bird and you’re a night owl, and how will we resolve disputes—there’s something screwy with how you’ve been dating. And divorce rates are higher among those who move in together first. So those of us who do live together haven’t exactly stumbled upon the secret to a smooth marriage. You are fine and dandy and those giving you grief in your personal life should get their very own personal life to worry about.
Post # 10
I think I may buy a book about this topic; adjusting to living together. Can’t hurt, right? 🙂 Thanks for all your opinions and any more that may come.
Post # 11
I also actually agree with Lilifaith: our transition was also seamless as we had spent to much time together and knew each other very, very well. No surprises at all. We had had the hard discussions beforehand also.
Post # 12
I’m also in a relationship where we are not living together for religious reasons. This is borderline crazy in NYC where people tend to move in with their BFs very fast just becase it’s too expensive not to have a roomie and it seems economical.
My SO and I joke that we would be great roomies but people seem confused when I say “I’m not a ‘moving in’ kinda girl.” They say “oh, you need a ring first?” I say, “Two rings, actually.”
When my SO read that people who DON’T live together before the wedding have lower rates of divorce he was sold. (he read this in Men’s Health of all places!) So yes, you aren’t the only one. You just have to say it’s not for you and then it becomes a personal choice and not about logistics, economics or judging other people’s choices.
Post # 13
Fiance and I are doing the same thing…..this is part of the reason for our short engagement. My father is also a minister and my family is extremely conservative. I didn’t want to live together (and/or buy a house) until we got married. When people comment about it, I just tell them it is something I feel strongly about and am not willing to budge on it. Our choices were to either live apart (paying twice the rent) and wait a year to plan our wedding, or buy a house now while the market is great (and qualify for the $8K first time home buyer tax). We chose to marry and buy the home now and get on with it.
Post # 14
My Fiance and I didn’t live together until about 8 months after the engagement…and that was only because we decided to list my condo (since he owns a house) and it sold right away! I was expecting it to take a year, so I moved in with my parents and after four months of that, the Fiance said it was silly and he wanted me to move in. We aren’t very religious either, but we definitely aren’t “trying” it out.
For us, living together wasn’t any different than living apart except that we get to spend more time with each other. I can’t imagine fighting with someone for a year and still getting engaged. We have never fought about anything to do with the household. We just sat down and divided up the responsibilities and that was that.
I think you will be fine. Some people just think if you don’t do it “their” way or the way society in general does it that something will go wrong. Personally I think marriage is about making the other person happy and overcoming obstacles together. I am not so romanticized that I think I will always like my husband. Actually, I am pretty sure there will be times I downright don’t want to be anywhere near him, but part of that marriage is working together on the issue and building back that “giddy love” phase. If you think about it that way, it doesn’t matter if you live together before or after because you have already in your heart made the commitment that you will stick by your man even during the tough time.
Post # 15
I think that those little things can make the difference between a happy and an unhappy marriage or even a divorce, but if you are both willing to do whatever it takes to keep the other one happy, you should be fine! Be confident, work hard, and never forget the things that got you together in the beginning (shared values and life goals).
Good luck and have a wonderful wedding =)
Post # 16
It’s just too bad, I can’t remember which post talked about it, but a few weeks ago, another lady sent a link to a study that showed that couples living together prior to engagement/marriage were more likely to divorce and end up in non satisfactory relationships.
I read the whole thing and it was very interesting, well put and it made a lot of sense.
They are facts; and from a non religious point of view also.