Waiting for marriage turning into waiting until engagement, advice?

posted 12 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1129 posts
Bumble bee

I can totally see where you’re coming from when you say that it wouldn’t feel right to just decide to have sex one day without a momentous ocassion.  You’ve built the idea up in your minds, and you want it to be at a special moment.  I think engagement definitely counts, Bee.  It would be a perfect time, and I wouldn’t worry too much about your SO’s previous thoughts.  People do grow and do come to new opinons.  

I would agree to the engagement timeline.  I also agree that it wouldn’t be healthy to keep delaying if you’re both 100% about each other and your SO has come to the conclusion that he doesn’t need to wait until marriage. 

Post # 4
Member
4813 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

justpeachy1014 :  get engaged and get married asap at the courthouse, for about $40. Then you can have sex as a married couple, without guilt or regrets. You’ve been together long enough, waited long enough.  Have your big wedding after you finish school completely. 

Post # 6
Member
1560 posts
Bumble bee

‘Im afraid if we married he wouldn’t receive enough anymore.’ you need to go speak to a financial advisor at your college and find out for sure. if you can still get the financial assistance if your married then I would say to get married in a simple ceremony sooner rather than waiting.

Post # 8
Member
2794 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I think it is really admirable that not being religious yourself you have chosen to respect his views on this and are so supportive (it would have been a total dealbreaker for me)

I think you need to separate the finacial side from the emotional side somewhat. Yes take advice from the university and do your own reseach into the loans and what would change if you were to marry sooner.

I would also suggest you both make some time to see a pre marital councellor / pastor / vicar / priest whichever is applicable to you and your feel most comfortable with. This is a matter of communication between you but also of his faith. I think it would greatly ease your mind if you talked it through with a third party and almost gained ‘permission’ to believe that he has changed his view on this.

I feel a lot of the no sex before marriage rhetoric is about teenage pregnancy or trying to prevent teenagers from regretting sexual experiences, but here he is with a partner who he obviously loves and trusts and with whom he see a future. This isn’t a quick fumble in the back seat of a car.

Post # 9
Member
537 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

In my first relationship we both wanted to wait. We got engaged after 5.5 years. Waiting was so hard! But I’m glad we continued to wait for marriage as sadly our engagement was broken  which I did not see coming. After we were engaged waiting became even harder. 

I still wanted to wait in my current relationship  My husband is not religious but agreed to wait too, which I thought was amazing of him. In the end I didn’t manage to wait until we were married. I waited until he’d proposed. 

Tbh I do wish that I’d had the strength to keep waiting and did feel some guilt  It was still pleasurable when we were engaged, and I thought I was OK with it  but I can tell that it’s so much better for me now. I just feel mentally liberated and relaxed.

I would agree with the idea of exploring how you could have a shorter engagement. 

Post # 10
Member
1066 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

I think that you should let him make his decision on his own. Not the decision for both of you, but don’t base YOUR decision on what you think HE may feel. He’s an adult, and can decide for himself if he is ready to have sex or not. When I was 16, I was sure I was going to wait until I was married to have sex, but by the time I was 21, my thoughts on that had changed completely. And I don’t regret it at all. People’s minds change, especially in their late teens and early 20’s. So let him make his decision, and trust him.

The part you have to focus on is how YOU feel about having sex before marriage, separately from him. You say you used to not care about sex before marriage, but your mind can change as well, so has your mind changed and you now truly do care about waiting until marriage? That’s okay if that’s how you feel. Or, do you only care about waiting until marriage because you’re worried about how your SO will feel? If you remove your SO’s feelings from the equation (hard, I know), how do YOU truly feel?

So I would trust him if he says he’s ready, figure out how you truly feel about it, and then make a decision together from there.

Post # 11
Member
910 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019 - City, State

It is 100% okay to want sex, and it is 100% okay to want to wait. As someone whose first sexual act was at 14 and regret it, I can see why you believe that sex should be shared with someone you deeply love. Marriage doesn’t necessarily have to be a part of the equation.

Totally Too Much Information, but maybe trying things out on your own would be beneficial, if you haven’t already. 

Post # 12
Member
9672 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I’ve been right where you are right now. My husband and I started dating at 18, both came from religious households, and wanted to wait till marriage. And we waited 4 years. But around that time started having more conversations about why we were waiting and if that was really the right decision. We both agreed that we loved each other and we planned on spending forever together so it really didn’t matter if we’d signed some legal paperwork or not.

Neither of us has ever regretted our decision or felt guilty about not waiting until marriage.

I think it’s important that you learn to take him at his word. There are probably a lot of things that were important to him at 16/17 that at 21 he has changed his view on. That’s a big part of college and your early 20s – growing, changing perspectives, forming your own opinions. 

Post # 13
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I’m not sure why getting married would affect your financial aid. Plenty of married people take on student loans. I think you need to talk to an expert before you make any decisions. Your incomes wouldn’t change and not being a dependant sometimes helps get you more financial aid.

As for waiting, from your post, it sounds like you aren’t ready. You sound hesitant and questioning. I believe it’s best to wait until you feel an enthusiastic yes. You don’t have to protect what he used to want, but it might be reasonable to ask him what changed. Maybe he just feels hopeless and would regret it. Maybe he just changed his mind. Regardless it’s best to be super open and communicative through all this.

Post # 15
Member
1935 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

justpeachy1014 :  I was in the same position, but reverse. My husband and I are both Christians, but waiting was very important to me, where he had already had sex with previous girlfriends. He was willing to wait for me to honor what I wanted. I got to the point, about 4 or 5 months in, where I decided that I would wait for engagement instead. My main goal became to only have sex with the man who would be my husband and I was confident in him at that point that we would get engaged and then married. At 8 months in, I couldn’t wait anymore, I trusted he’d propose, and we had sex. He was very sweet and honorable and made me wait and think about it first, because he was also concerned I’d regret it.

I only waited 8 months in our relationship, but I didn’t meet Darling Husband until I was 26. I was a virgin until I was almost 27! That’s a long time to wait, and I was tempted several times over the years but held on.

The final verdict? Darling Husband and I have been married 1 year now. I don’t regret having sex before marriage, but I’m not proud of it either. Darling Husband and I have talked about it and we both wish we had been stronger and waited until marriage. But if you’re living together, I honestly don’t know how you’ve abstained this long.

I wish you the best with whatever you decide. And it’s awesome that you’ve waited as long as you have.

 

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors