Post # 1
Hi Bee’s I kinda want to hear some thoughts so that I can really figure out how I feel. Ultimately I will go with what I feel is right but I need some help getting there.
Here’s the thing, I started dating my boyfriend when I was 16. He told me at that time that he wanted to wait until marriage and I didn’t think much of it. I didn’t grow up religious, I was just taught to wait until you really love someone, but I wasn’t in any hurry for sex so I told him I was okay with waiting. Once I actually fell for him and loved him (6 months later) I committed to waiting for him. Going forward now we have been together for four years and are still waiting. Our relationship is amazing, he is my best friend and I believe waiting has been great for us as we were able to focus on how we actually connect. I’m 20 now and he is 21 both still virgins and have been living together for over a year. Its been difficult at times but we are both very determined people and I just love him so much Id do anything for him. He was my first serious relationship, my first kiss, and my first love. He’s my first and only everything and that’s how I always want it to be.
We are both college students now and I’m looking to graduate in about a year and him in two, but I also plan on going to graduate school for my PhD. We are just struggling college students but my boyfriend has made it clear to me that he wants to move forward and get engaged. We’ve looked at rings for months and in the past month we found the place that he wants to have my ring made and I found out (because he is not very good at hiding things) that he has already started the process.. With all this happening I began to think about time spans, when we’d be able to afford a wedding, when I’d be graduating etc. With this it seems like our engagement might end up needing to be a long one. And that is how the topic of waiting for marriage has been brought up between us for a while. We talk often about it and our opinions have had time to form since we were 16/17. Now I am still a believer that you should just wait until you love someone and it seems my boyfriend has grown to have a similar opinion however we’ve been waiting for so long just having sex feels wrong like I’ve waited all this time and we’ve come so far!
We started discussing just waiting until engagement which we both know is soon but I still cant shake the fact that we’ve been waiting this long from my mind. This was important to him when he was 17, and I would do anything for him. He says his opinion has developed now but I am just so worried that if we do this that he might regret it. His words on this are that “he would never regret it or be disappointed because in his mind he is already married to me”. I’ve read on this and Ive seen what other people say about the scripture being written at a time when men and women married at ages 14&15 and how this wasn’t such an issue then but I just still don’t feel ready with my decision.
I’ve been with this man for four years, I want to be with him forever. I know that sex is an important part of a relationship, it is an intimacy that I have not been able to have and it feels like it is a part of our relationship that I am missing. I know we want to be graduated with out bachelors before being married so that the marriage wont affect student loans however this means about 2 more years of not having sex, two more years of missing out on a part of our relationship, and 6 years total of being with the man I love and holding back a piece of me. At this point I don’t even know if it is healthy for our relationship to wait that long. I feel like he is just waiting for me to give the green light but I am hesitant not because of my own beliefs but because of protecting what he wanted before, and honoring that. It would crush me to see him disappointed and feel like god is disappointed in us. I just don’t really know how to feel about it at this point, I just want to do the right thing and I hate how it has become such a morale conflict when others can easily say it is just sex.
Please help with your opinions but not your judgments, I am not a religious person and do have conflictions with biblical writings so please don’t come here just to tell me that we are already doomed for living together because we have already explored scripture on that and have come to conclusions on our own interpretations of it. I believe that if you feel something is wrong for you to do than it is wrong for you personally to do it. I am just trying to figure out exactly how I feel about the new subject we have come to.
Post # 2
I can totally see where you’re coming from when you say that it wouldn’t feel right to just decide to have sex one day without a momentous ocassion. You’ve built the idea up in your minds, and you want it to be at a special moment. I think engagement definitely counts, Bee. It would be a perfect time, and I wouldn’t worry too much about your SO’s previous thoughts. People do grow and do come to new opinons.
I would agree to the engagement timeline. I also agree that it wouldn’t be healthy to keep delaying if you’re both 100% about each other and your SO has come to the conclusion that he doesn’t need to wait until marriage.
Post # 3
bouviebee : Thanks I really appreciate your thoughts. I knew what Im feeling had to make some sense, its just nice hearing it from someone else. And I feel like maybe after getting engaged I will feel a little different about it and ready. Thanks again <3
Post # 4
justpeachy1014 : get engaged and get married asap at the courthouse, for about $40. Then you can have sex as a married couple, without guilt or regrets. You’ve been together long enough, waited long enough. Have your big wedding after you finish school completely.
Post # 5
Well ive thought about this but getting married before we are graduated will cause issues with our student loans. We don’t come from wealthy families and both decided on our own to go to college, this means we are dependent on student loans at this time. We both work but its not enough for tuition and rent. A big amount of what makes college possible for my SO is the loans he receives by filing under his father. Im afraid if we married he wouldn’t receive enough anymore. Believe me we would love to be married that quickly but I want us to both finish college and I would never want to jeopardize that for him.
Post # 6
‘Im afraid if we married he wouldn’t receive enough anymore.’ you need to go speak to a financial advisor at your college and find out for sure. if you can still get the financial assistance if your married then I would say to get married in a simple ceremony sooner rather than waiting.
Post # 7
yea Ive talked to him about going in and seeing an advisor once we are engaged, but from what we have been told so far (from other students that have married) he will no longer receive the big parent associated loans. So what would be your advice if this is confirmed and we can’t marry for two more years?
Also I have had very bad experience with our financial aid advisors where I have been given three different answers on whether or not being a less than full time student for one semester would affect my loans. One said yes the other two said no it wouldn’t and boom it did, I was in a terrible predicament of scrambling to pay for the tuition loans that were taken away. The whole system is unsure and I don’t really trust them anymore. I mean I feel like even if they say yes he could still receive the loans I would be paranoid the whole time because they couldn’t even answer my common question correctly. And unfortunatley the amount of his loans isnt one that we would be able to scrape up.
Post # 8
I think it is really admirable that not being religious yourself you have chosen to respect his views on this and are so supportive (it would have been a total dealbreaker for me)
I think you need to separate the finacial side from the emotional side somewhat. Yes take advice from the university and do your own reseach into the loans and what would change if you were to marry sooner.
I would also suggest you both make some time to see a pre marital councellor / pastor / vicar / priest whichever is applicable to you and your feel most comfortable with. This is a matter of communication between you but also of his faith. I think it would greatly ease your mind if you talked it through with a third party and almost gained ‘permission’ to believe that he has changed his view on this.
I feel a lot of the no sex before marriage rhetoric is about teenage pregnancy or trying to prevent teenagers from regretting sexual experiences, but here he is with a partner who he obviously loves and trusts and with whom he see a future. This isn’t a quick fumble in the back seat of a car.
Post # 9
In my first relationship we both wanted to wait. We got engaged after 5.5 years. Waiting was so hard! But I’m glad we continued to wait for marriage as sadly our engagement was broken which I did not see coming. After we were engaged waiting became even harder.
I still wanted to wait in my current relationship My husband is not religious but agreed to wait too, which I thought was amazing of him. In the end I didn’t manage to wait until we were married. I waited until he’d proposed.
Tbh I do wish that I’d had the strength to keep waiting and did feel some guilt It was still pleasurable when we were engaged, and I thought I was OK with it but I can tell that it’s so much better for me now. I just feel mentally liberated and relaxed.
I would agree with the idea of exploring how you could have a shorter engagement.
Post # 10
I think that you should let him make his decision on his own. Not the decision for both of you, but don’t base YOUR decision on what you think HE may feel. He’s an adult, and can decide for himself if he is ready to have sex or not. When I was 16, I was sure I was going to wait until I was married to have sex, but by the time I was 21, my thoughts on that had changed completely. And I don’t regret it at all. People’s minds change, especially in their late teens and early 20’s. So let him make his decision, and trust him.
The part you have to focus on is how YOU feel about having sex before marriage, separately from him. You say you used to not care about sex before marriage, but your mind can change as well, so has your mind changed and you now truly do care about waiting until marriage? That’s okay if that’s how you feel. Or, do you only care about waiting until marriage because you’re worried about how your SO will feel? If you remove your SO’s feelings from the equation (hard, I know), how do YOU truly feel?
So I would trust him if he says he’s ready, figure out how you truly feel about it, and then make a decision together from there.
Post # 11
- Wedding: August 2019 - City, State
It is 100% okay to want sex, and it is 100% okay to want to wait. As someone whose first sexual act was at 14 and regret it, I can see why you believe that sex should be shared with someone you deeply love. Marriage doesn’t necessarily have to be a part of the equation.
Totally Too Much Information, but maybe trying things out on your own would be beneficial, if you haven’t already.
Post # 12
I’ve been right where you are right now. My husband and I started dating at 18, both came from religious households, and wanted to wait till marriage. And we waited 4 years. But around that time started having more conversations about why we were waiting and if that was really the right decision. We both agreed that we loved each other and we planned on spending forever together so it really didn’t matter if we’d signed some legal paperwork or not.
Neither of us has ever regretted our decision or felt guilty about not waiting until marriage.
I think it’s important that you learn to take him at his word. There are probably a lot of things that were important to him at 16/17 that at 21 he has changed his view on. That’s a big part of college and your early 20s – growing, changing perspectives, forming your own opinions.
Post # 13
I’m not sure why getting married would affect your financial aid. Plenty of married people take on student loans. I think you need to talk to an expert before you make any decisions. Your incomes wouldn’t change and not being a dependant sometimes helps get you more financial aid.
As for waiting, from your post, it sounds like you aren’t ready. You sound hesitant and questioning. I believe it’s best to wait until you feel an enthusiastic yes. You don’t have to protect what he used to want, but it might be reasonable to ask him what changed. Maybe he just feels hopeless and would regret it. Maybe he just changed his mind. Regardless it’s best to be super open and communicative through all this.
Post # 14
Thank yall all so much for your advice. I didn’t feel right about going to talk to a financial advisor with him about being married until we were engaged but now I see that I should just do it. With all of this yes we do believe that he would get some loans but the “parent plus loan” as they call it is the one Im worried he wont get.
I don’t believe people have to wait until their married; I have a sister who has been through three relationships and didn’t wait. I don’t think anything of it, she loved them all at one time and sex is supposed to be shared with someone you love. I mean my mom was pregnant at 16 and abandoned by the fiancé she thought loved her. Thank god she didn’t marry him. If she hadn’t been with him though I wouldn’t have my big brother and she would have never met my dad (25 years together). I think god has a plan for all of us and he is more concerned with the person you are than your sexuality. That’s my two sense and maybe I almost feel like my SO has been influenced by me like I played a hand in his opinion shifting, this isn’t a bad thing but I just feel like I want to be sure I didn’t influence him to go against his opinions I guess.
If my SO was someone else that didn’t have such high expectations of himself then I wouldn’t be waiting. I don’t think the act of sex with someone you love is wrong but for me since we’ve been waiting such a long time I’ve made myself feel that it is wrong if it is with him. I know his opinion now has changed its like I just have to rewire myself to accept it.
Post # 15
justpeachy1014 : I was in the same position, but reverse. My husband and I are both Christians, but waiting was very important to me, where he had already had sex with previous girlfriends. He was willing to wait for me to honor what I wanted. I got to the point, about 4 or 5 months in, where I decided that I would wait for engagement instead. My main goal became to only have sex with the man who would be my husband and I was confident in him at that point that we would get engaged and then married. At 8 months in, I couldn’t wait anymore, I trusted he’d propose, and we had sex. He was very sweet and honorable and made me wait and think about it first, because he was also concerned I’d regret it.
I only waited 8 months in our relationship, but I didn’t meet Darling Husband until I was 26. I was a virgin until I was almost 27! That’s a long time to wait, and I was tempted several times over the years but held on.
The final verdict? Darling Husband and I have been married 1 year now. I don’t regret having sex before marriage, but I’m not proud of it either. Darling Husband and I have talked about it and we both wish we had been stronger and waited until marriage. But if you’re living together, I honestly don’t know how you’ve abstained this long.
I wish you the best with whatever you decide. And it’s awesome that you’ve waited as long as you have.