(Closed) Waiting for nothing?

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
3969 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@brinamarie:  It sounds like he’s not ready to get married. It looks like you have been together maybe 2 years at the most, and he sees that you still need to finish school. If he says he does not want to get married (not just not now) then I would believe him. He is being honest with you, and with that information you’ll have to make the right decision for you, whether to stay together in your current situation or to move on. Are you happy now? Are you resenting him about it? To me, 2 years isn’t very long (I’m 23, too) to be together at our age to get engaged, especially when there are many “loose ends”- you still finishing up school, he might have a large number of student loans, etc.

Post # 4
Member
699 posts
Busy bee

@brinamarie:  your young, and waaay overthinking things. your family should  mind their own business and not hassle you to make a major decision without proper consulatation and thought process. marriage is a life long process and not something to jump into just because others are doing it. maybe get a journal and write your thoughts down. ask yourself, why marriage  is so important right now. your missing your life. just relax and enjoy your time

Post # 5
Member
687 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Don’t overthink this “not engaged” situation. Just  be happy that you found eachother again. When time comes and you guys are both ready, you will find a way. If not, time will tell what happens. Don’t rush into things, don’t pressure him. Just live your life and that ring won’t change a thing with your relationship what so ever. 

Post # 6
Member
24 posts
Newbee

It sounds like you are in a very emotionally difficult situation right now. But I feel the need to point out that you are very, very young, and not being engaged or having children right now isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I think focusing on finishing your degree and establishing who you are is really important. It sounds like you have had some drama in this relationship, and a year of settling in together may not be enough of a foundation since you met when you were very young and right out of another serious relationship, have been on-and-off, etc… 

I guess, from what you’ve said, it sounds to me like he is reluctant to commit to marriage right now. He could just be being prudent since you are both very young, but I have to ask, how positive are you that he is as serious about this relationship as you are? It sounds like he had opportunities to be with you that he did not take. My fear for you is that he is with you now out of convenience, but will hurt you again in the future if he isn’t taking things more seriously now. I think if you let go of the pressure to be engaged, it could be a good thing for both of you, and maybe help you figure out what you want, aside from what you think you should be doing based on what your peers are doing. That being said, if you are really serious about this relationship and you want to be engaged, it might be worth having a heart-to-heart with him, asking him how serious he is about this relationship and where he realistically sees you guys in six months, a year, etc… It’s very easy and low-pressure to daydream about a future together when compared to actually putting a date on it. 

Good luck with everything, hopefully he just needs another few months to catch up to where you are! 

Post # 7
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re 23, you’re in an adult relationship. Sometimes the most “grown up” thing you can do is not rushing to do “grown up things” before you’re ready.

Enjoy your relationship, enjoy school, enjoy your early and mid twenties. You don’t have to be engaged, married, or popping out kids to be an adult. 

Post # 8
Member
3720 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I don’t think he is stringing you along and I would encourage him not to propose yet. Finish school and consider taking summer and winter session to finish early. Get a job and teach for at least a semester. Then if you are still together, happy, and not engaged, bring it up again. In my experience, it strengthens marriages when your life is set prior to getting engaged. A working life is so much different than a school life and it changes relationships.

Post # 9
Member
9672 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@brinamarie:   I don’t want to hurt you.  But this guy has given you oh so many hints, both subtle and not-so-subtle, that he really isn’t into you anywhere near to the level you are into him.  You’re in love with him, very much so.  He loves and cares for you, sure, but where is the passion and knowingness in his soul that you’re his “one?”

He is keeping his options open, looking for whatever or whoever better fits his mind “picture” of the perfect woman for him.  He doesn’t like being alone, obviously, so you’ll do until he finds what he feels suits him better.

He isn’t the right one for you and he is stringing you along.  You deserve so much more than this wishy-washy half-assed relationship.  I’m so sorry but that’s how it seems to me. 

When you find true love things will read entirely differently.  This guy may not be overtly physically abusive but he’s emotionally and psychologically unhealthy for you.  You need to decide how much more time you’re going to wait (and waste) for this to turn around because it may never.  Please do some soul searching and don’t hang onto false hope.

Don’t you want a man who’s just as much in love with you, with no hesitations or need for experimentations with other women, as you are with him?  You deserve that, everyone does.

I really wish you all the best. 

Post # 11
Member
1430 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

What stuck out to me in your whole first post was this:

That winter, he asked me to be his “Facebook complicated” (2010- we were still long-distance). We decided that after I graduated the following August, I would move to Washington with him. I did.

Post # 13
Member
679 posts
Busy bee

I kind of have to agree with @Sunfire: here. I’d be incredibly wary based on his behaviors in the past.

A few things really stuck out to me in your original post. The first was that, while you were falling in love with him again, he was hoping his ex-girlfriend would change her mind and come back to him. The second was that he continued to talk to you and hang out with you for months and months on end and still didn’t seem to want a romantic relationship. The third was that he suggested you change your FB status to “It’s Complicated” but told you he wasn’t interested in a committed, long-distance relationship, and wouldn’t make things “official” until you moved for him.

Honestly, it seems like he knew the entire time that you were in love with him and would wait for him and put up with his bullshit, so he took his sweet time looking around to see if he could find something better, and when he didn’t, he agreed to be with you. It sounds like he’s settling for you. I mean, he bragged to you about his new relationship after you’d broken up, and only contacted you after his girlfriend broke up with him, and after he found out you were dating someone. It sounds he only reconnected with you when it was convenient and/or he felt his grip on you was slipping away.

The things you listed that show that he’s gradually grown to love you are things I’d do for my platonic friends, and IMO, not necessarily an indicator that he’s madly and passionately in love.

Based on all the drama that went on in your relationship in the past, I’d really push engagement to the far back of your mind, have a serious discussion with him about the nature of the relationship, and just keep reminding yourself that you are young and aren’t “running out of time” to either grow more in this relationship, or end it and start over new.

Post # 14
Member
4478 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

This relationship sounds quite complicated.  Relationships should be simple.  Sometimes they hit snags, but the overall trend should be simple. 

I agree with others that you’re only 23, and there’s no need to rush things.  That being said, you’ve been together long enough you should know where each of you stand.  For instance, “I want to get married, but think we’re both too young and not in the position for it.  Let’s wait until you’re done with school” is different than “Maybe we’ll get married someday when you’re done with school.”  The first indicates a plan, the second is more of a stall tactic.  It might not be the right time for marriage, but you both should be clear about your relationship goals.  If he has none, I’d be worried that he’s stringing you along.

Post # 15
Member
3420 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@AnAppleA_Day:  +!

You have commited and sacrificed a lot for this man and your relationship.

What has he done for you?

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