Post # 1
I have the most amazing SO who I love more then anything and loves me unconditionally. We have been together nearly 3 1/2 years – we moved in together after six months (renting) and finally bought our first place a year ago. A few weeks after buying our house we got our dog. I am so happy with him, but recently the thought of marriage and getting engaged has been on my mind and it is starting to get me down. I am 30, he is 28. We have always talked about our future, casually mentioning the children we will have and how we would raise them. When we bought our house we discussed marriage and he said it was definitely something he wanted and would prefer to get married before we have children, however we never discussed timelines specifically as we were both just happy to have that in the future.
Now I have turned 30 I really do now want to get engaged. Although I would come to terms if my SO decided he didn’t want to get married (my being with him is more important to me then being married) I would definitely like to get married. I was with my ex-boyfriend for 8 years and he never proposed (thankfully as I ended up walking out after realising how he was emotianlly abusing me) but that self-esteem issue has stuck and since it was largely my instigation that we lived together, bought our house together and got our dog together (he is very laid back) I feel it is important my SO shows some positive action about wanting to be with me by proposing.
I therefore sat down with him a couple of weeks ago and asked him what his intentions were. I explained that I felt ready now to get married and wanted to know if he was on the same page. If not, this was something we could work out. He said that he did want to get married as it was the ‘next step’ and that he had wanted to sort some things out first. I asked if money was an issue (neither of us currently have a lot of savings and I am the main breadwinner) and if so to reassure him I definitely didn’t want a huge fairytale wedding or an expensive engagement ring and was happy to split the cost of the ring if this was an issue. He said he didn’t want me to do that but not to worry about it and ‘let’s see what happens.’
After the conversation I became anxious that I hadn’t actually had any answers, so last weekend (a couple of weeks later) I brought the subject up again and re-explained (after a week of dropping what I thought were subtle hints) and he listened and then got a little bit frustrated with me sayingd he had listened to what I had said before and taken it on board and that I hadn’t given him a chance to get anything sorted. This made me cry a bit because I thought I had ruined everything but he gave me a hug and told me not to worry.
We get on really well, and I do not doubt his love or commitment to me. He demonstrates this in numerous every day little ways such as always texting me at work to see how my day is and telling me every night he loves me. However, he is very very laid back and has no real impotus about anything – and I am very impatient….so my problem is, do I now just wait?? If so, how long do I give him before talking to him again?!?!
Post # 2
So to recap you basically got 0 answers from him after initiating 2 discussions and he just became frustrated with you for not accepting his 0 answers. What exactly has to be “sorted out” by him? You’ve basically told him you’ll accept being his live in gf indefinitely and baby mama if he remains unwilling to marry you. So no impetus there for him if nothing changes. … Bring it up as often as you want but clearly it’s not a subject he is interested in discussing. …
Post # 3
He’s dragging his feet. If he wanted to marry you, he would make it happen. Time to decide what you really want and if you’ll *really* be ok not marrying him.
Post # 4
I agree; “let’s see what happens” is another phrase men give you to avoid giving an actual answer. You say he’s a very laid back guy, so there’s probably nothing big to motivate him, especially since he’s younger. He probably thinks he has plenty of time. If he doesn’t, best let him know soon.
Post # 5
cbee1989 : If you truly do not plan on leaving him, regardless of if you ever marry him, then I wouldn’t bring it up again. What’s the point? If he does, he does; if he doesn’t, he doesn’t. You’re not going to leave regardless, and you’ve already talked to him twice with no concrete response from him.
Post # 6
Bee it sounds like you are giving yourself the short end of the stick here. If marriage is important to you, then it is important to you. Don’t comprimise and accept whatever he is offering. As others have said, he gave you zero reassurance about your future. I suggest meeting with a third party to hash out what your expectations and what he is willing to do or not do. Don’t settle. If marriage is important to you, should should have that.
Post # 7
You need to be clear on what you want and how long you’re willing to wait for it. If he is truly commited he should be able to give you a reasonable time frame. As a matter of fact, that is exactly the discussion you two should have. “Some day/soon/let’s see what happens” are NOT acceptable answers. They’re avoidance answers….buy me some time answers….shut her up answers…..don’t let him get away with that. He’s either ready for it now or he’s not and if not, how much time exactly will he need?
Its okay if he’s not ready for marriage. Its NOT okay to expect you to wait around forever until he decides when and if he’s ready. Remember this is YOUR future too bee. Don’t make it solely his job to make those decisions.
Post # 8
This sounds exactly like my husband and I. I would want to talk about it and have a set timeline, but he didn’t have that in mind. I was waiting for over 2 years, together for 4. Fast forward to last week where we had a wonderful courthouse wedding! No formal engagement, but we were both happy with the decision. If I had listened to all the bees saying dump him I wouldnt be married right now
Post # 9
I am probably of unpopular opinion haha but I say just wait a few months to a year now and see what happens.
You told him you are ready now and he knows you are okay splitting the ring. It takes time to research rings and save (if he hasn’t already.. which I am guessing with how laid back he is that he hasn’t). Maybe in a few months (if he doesn’t on his own) ask how goes his “sorting stuff out” and if you can go see rings together so you can get sized and he can see what sorts of things you like. Did you ask what he needs to sort out when he brought that up?
Just breath and continue to live your life in the meantime. You know your boyfriend best and if he keeps good on his word or follows through. You said you are happy with him regardless so you need to trust him a little bit. It is so easy to get the “waiting resentment” lol especially with reading the threads here.
Post # 10
I agree — it’s unfair he’s giving you no answer. An affirmation & a timeline will not ruin the surprise or joy of a proposal.
Last night, I overheard my girlfriend mention my I’ll-propose-by-this-date deadline that I gave her just over a year ago. Listening to the giddy joy in her voice as she caught up with a friend she hasn’t seen in awhile, was a BIG reminder to me how much she is reassured by knowing, very clearly, my intentions.
Knowing she feels loved and secure — and isn’t in agony worrying/waiting/wondering is the most important thing to me, as I get my sh*t together to propose. Shouldn’t it be to him too?
Post # 11
- Wedding: April 2019 - USA
cbee1989 : I think you’re being too polite with him here- with all the discussions you’ve had, you still haven’t actually addressed what your timeline is, and that has given him a hell of a lot of leeway here. You need to have one final, stern conversation and tell him that his answer of “let’s see what happens” is unacceptable- you have already seen what happens. You moved in, you got a dog, you bought a house together. What more is there before he decides he’s “ready”?? Please, ask him this. If it’s not financial, what is it? You’ve already ruled that one out. It’s time to get married. It’s been 4 years FFS. I’d tell him, if you don’t want to marry me right now, you’ll never want to marry me. If you want to prove me wrong you’ll have to give me some kind of concrete answer I can relate to.
Post # 12
Set a timeline… a firm one.
Ex: by the end of summer, before Xmas, before the new year.
During that time take him ring shopping, or peruse online together. Check-in every now and then, “hey babe, just making sure that we’re on track for our (insert date here) timeline.”
Do not let him make you feel guilty for wanting these things, you deserve them… you’re in a partnership. Engagement isn’t something you as a woman earn, it’s a step you take as a couple.
There must be something in the water cause there are a lot of posts like this today! You’re not alone.
Post # 13
chitownyogini : “Engagement isn’t something you as a woman earn, it’s a step you take as a couple. “
Post # 14
Post # 15
I am going through the exact same, except been together longer and it’s destroyed our relationship now. Tell him you want an exact timeline if it’s going to happen. If not, decide if you’re truly happy with that. Don’t wait around and build resentment, it’s already started. It will ruin your relationship and overall feeling about the engagement.