Waiting for Proposal agony

posted 4 months ago in Engagement
Post # 16
Member
19 posts
Newbee

I am also a more laid back person and I would say don’t stress about it. He said he has heard you…. and he probably has. A couple of weeks in between discussions isn’t a very long time! It might not happen tomorrow, but maybe he wants to wait for a special date or is waiting for a weekend away or would just like a bit of time to research rings and plan something. My fiance was ALWAYS the one bringing up marriage and engagement first. And from the first time he brought it up to when we got engaged was 2.5 years. I got to a point where I was confused and upset thinking maybe he had changed his mind and he told me to trust him, and I did. He was actually planning an amazing trip away and while I had to wait a little longer… it was perfect in the end. If you know it’s right then just trust in that 🙂

Post # 17
Member
617 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - City, State

This made me cry a bit because I thought I had ruined everything but he gave me a hug and told me not to worry.

You are not responsible for everything that happens in the relationship. You are not the owner of his moods and reactions. You both say you want to get married – this is good news! But it sounds like you need more specific ideas about what milestones he is reaching for, what the general timeline is, etc. That does not amount to “ruining” anything, that’s taking control of your future. 

The self-esteem issue can get in the way of any healthy relationship and keep you in an unhealthy one much longer than it should. Have you considered some therapy to work on this issue? At the very least, you can get a clearer idea of what you do and do not control, which should give you some peace.

I can’t give more advice than that because I don’t know what is in your partner’s head. Maybe he thinks you need the Big Pinterest Surprise that a lot of women seem to magically expect. Maybe he’s concerned about money and funding it all. Maybe he’s hesitating because when he pictures “wedding,” he pictures an enormous debt-ridden snoozefest that incites family drama and he doesn’t want to deal with that. But at the end of the day, you need to be able to talk these things through together and communicate openly about your needs. If he’s stringing you along, that will become apparent quickly because he won’t be able to name specific things he’s working on. If it’s something else … well, half the point of having a spouse is gaining a lifelong partner/sounding board who can help you work through challenges and seek reasonable comprimises. But you won’t know until you have clear, specific conversations. 

Post # 18
Member
10697 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

cbee1989 :  

Bee, your bf does not own your engagement. Nor does he own your shared future.

You say that you feel ready to pledge your future to this guy. So, how come you’re not completely comfortable talking to him about something so fundamental?

As for your question about how long to wait to bring it up again; how long do you want to wait? Factor him out of the equation for a moment and think about what you want and need. Don’t focus on his possible reactions.  You have been doing too much of that, which is how you got where you are.

You have two options.  You can grab control of your future and force his hand. Insist on an explanation of exactly what it is he needs to “sort”. If he’s not ready to get married, fine.  Fair enough.  But, he needs to say that. Then you can ask him what would need to happen for him to be ready.

Depending on the outcome of your discussion, you can decide what you want to do.

Or, you can continue to agonize.

Your call, Bee.

Post # 19
Member
16 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2020

cbee1989 :  I just want to say that my Fiance said “let’s just see what happens”, “yeah idk maybe” and also “probably but I’m not sure when” all while shopping for, researching, customizing and paying for a ring for me. He wanted it to be a shock- and it was! 

My brother was the same way. His wife was texting me, anxious and worried he’d never propose. Meanwhile I knew my brother had been ring shopping and should be popping the question during their next trip to Boston months later! But I couldn’t tell her. 

If he knows it’s the next step and said he wants to get things sorted- DROP THE ISSUE. It’s on his mind and he’s planning it. You planted the seed, now let him handle it.

Do other things to get your mind off of weddings and engagement and try to manage your anxiety by reading, taking walks, etc. You have a man who loves you- enjoy him! I have two kids with mine and it’s much harder to enjoy him now like I used to. 

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