(Closed) Waiting for proposal – can anyone relate?

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
19 posts
Newbee

Oh, darling. I don’t know if it’s how you wrote it out (ya know, trying to come across as a caring and good person) but this really gave me the sense that you’re a bit of a doormat walking around on egg shells so as to not offend/upset/disappoint him. And I suppose I’m not even just sensing this, there are facts:

“I was afraid to make him angry”

“Don’t want him to sense my disappointment because that will make I worse”

I know this isn’t the answer you wanted but I couldn’t help it, I feel like I have to bring your attention to this. Relationships should be uplifting, supportive. You should be able to ask why you aren’t engaged yet. You should be able to show your disappointment. And he should be able to answer why he hasn’t proposed and reassure you when you feel disappointed. No one should have to keep quiet about their feelings just so their other half doesn’t get mad. That’s so not loving. 

You ask where has your self esteem gone? I think it’s got something to do with this relationship. I’d re-evaluate it sweet heart. 

 

Post # 3
Member
304 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2004

I’m sorry, I don’t think you are ready to be done with therapy if you can’t even have a conversation about your future without worrying about making him angry.  
I’m also wondering about his lack of financial security and inability to keep a job at 42.  Is this really the person  you want to spend the rest of your life with?

Post # 5
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2017

From past experience, and one nasty marriage before I think you know your answer deep down. It took 7 yrs to get engaged with mine mainly because his ex was fighting the divorce but, he knew I wasn’t in this relationship to date him. Yes, it’s does change people and he is still concerned with that still but, we are like sooooo awesome together in everything including the bed. I know he’s the one I want to spend my earthly life with and hope to pass into the next. 

 

If if you can’t talk to him about it then maybe you need to reevaluate your worth as a woman. 

Post # 7
Member
7199 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

View original reply
leah1980 :  If you can’t talk about very important life events and your feelings about them without being fearful of his anger, you two are not ready to get married. Since you’ve been married, you must know that a successful marriage requires being able to talk about really hard, uncomfortable things sometimes. 

And it’s one thing to feel confident and comfortable that he loves you and a totally different thing to want the same things in life. He can love you all he wants, but if making him feel good means not discussing the fact that you would like to be married that’s just not healthy. 

Post # 9
Member
2344 posts
Buzzing bee

I think what everyone is keying in on here is that you are seeking a solution for this problem from a “how to help HIM” standpoint, not a “how to help mySELF” standpoint. You are focusing all of your energy on how he feels – if he will want to marry you, when he will be ready, if he’s upset with you or happy with you, etc. 

I think you may benefit from trying to shift your focus back to yourself. 
– “Am *I* happy right now?”
– “Is HE the cause of any unhappiness?”
– “What can *I* do to ease my OWN anxiety and make myself more content and happier?” (Journal, meditate, hobbies, etc)

– And in general, just set boudnaries/standards for yourself instead of valuing yourself in relation to him and his moods. For instance, decide that you will wait _____months to see him start to move you guys forward. If he hasn’t moved you forward any by then, have a frank discussion. Don’t have it emotionally, don’t blame, etc, but you definitely should feel like you can discuss your future without making him upset.

For my part, I am suspicious of the fact he’s only really had 1-2 long-term relationships at his age, and they were so long ago. For me, that’s a red flag that maybe he has some sort of patterned behavior that makes women leave (that you’re missing because you’re so hung up on the chase.) Or he’s commitmentphobic and winds up leaving them…

I know you keep responding “but I just don’t want to bring it up so that I don’t upset him,” as if that’s a perfectly natural way of thinking, but it’s really not. Think about it. Do you want to marry someone who responds negatively to your anxieties? They aren’t going to go away any time soon, right? This is just how you are, right? So this is a foundational, major incompatability if his reaction to you being anxious is to get upset and make you feel guilty for having upset him. (tip: YOU can’t make him feel upset – HE controls whether he gets upset or not, so him blaming you for his emotional state is a slippery slope to a very unhealthy dynamic.)

Post # 10
Member
2344 posts
Buzzing bee

And to speak to the face of the matter… at your ages, I don’t care WHAT his sob story is, 3 years is plenty of time to know you want to marry someone. And if he TRULY knows he wants to marry you, and cares about you, he would attempt to help ease your anxiety by giving you ANYTHING to go on. Even if it was, “honey, I don’t think I’ll be ready to take that step for at least another year or two,” it would be SOMETHING. His refusal to give you ANYthing makes me very suspicious that he’s settling in to string you along. 

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