Post # 1
In March my husband was diagnosed with azoospermia (no sperm in the ejaculate). Long story but we have done a ton of testing and finally got connected with the top urologist in our area. He performed a procedure called fna mapping, which basically takes biopsies from his testicles to see if there are any sperm present. We get the results in three weeks and the wait is really hard. I’m trying to keep it all together but it’s difficult.
I’m 36 and I thought we would have kids by now. My husband is an amazing man and he is such a good partner and he really wants to be a father and it’s just devastating knowing that we might not be able the make that happen. This weekend we were doing yard work and he was talking about how our neighbors have a play set and how he wants to get one when we have kids.
I am not against adoption, but adoption is a really long process, not to mention expensive and emotionally taxing.
My husband has a positive outlook and says we should try not to worry til we get the test results. I know he is right but I feel like time is moving so slowly.
Has anyone had a similar experience and has any tips to share? Thank you.
Post # 2
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. TTC is such a hard process. I don’t have much to give in advice but just wanted to sympathize and let you know you’re being heard.
I’m sure anyone who struggles to concieve considers adoption and I feel you on the whole it takes forever and costs an arm and a leg thing. Just know you’re not alone and one day you’re going to be a mom. It’s all just the how. 🙂
Post # 3
TiggersMitts : You have such kind words.
OP- keep your chin up and positive thoughts always! keep up posted!
Post # 4
I agree with your husband. Try not to drive yourself crazy and think too many steps ahead. It’s nice to have a general idea of what you might do if this or that, but don’t obssess too much about figuring it all out. Besides, what you think you might do in any given situation could be totally different than what you will actually do when you are really *in* the position to make a decision. (If that made any senses at all).
Are you open to donor sperm? It would probably be a much quicker and less expensive than an adoption.
Post # 5
TiggersMitts : Thank you, I appreciate your kind words. I do try to focus on the fact that it will happen one day, and it’s good to hear someone else say that.
I am totally for adoption but didnt realize how complicated the process is, or how expensive. Plus we have a pool and a pit bull and I am guessing both those things will make adoption more difficult.
Post # 6
appleblossom217 : Thank you. We meet with the doctor in two weeks to go over the results, I will come back and post an update.
Post # 7
pinkshoes : In the beginning I said no to donor sperm. My husband is okay with it, but we have agreed that we want to see if we can use his sperm if possible. Our insurance covers the cost of the test to look for sperm, so it seemed like it was an option worth pursuing. If we dont find sperm we will consider using a donor, I just feel really dissapointed by that and I want to have his child, but I know that it doesnt really matter that much, what matters is that we get to become parents. The other complicated factor (and I know this sounds shallow) is that my husband and I are both mixed race (he is a mix of three races) and I have looked at donor registries and havent found a donor that is his same race. And I want our child to look like us. Also if we use a donor there is the whole complicated factor of how do we tell the child, how do we tell family etc. This is where I get ahead of myself and worry about things that havent happened yet 🙂
Anyways thank you everyone for your responses and support!
Post # 8
My phone is being a real jerk about letting me reply to this post for some reason so I’ll keep it short.
Going the donor route, so I totally feel you in this. I don’t think it’s shallow to want your kids to look like you, my Darling Husband has red hair which also apparently isn’t a thing in the donor banks we were told to use. I know my darker hair genes would probably crush the red haired ones anyway, but I wanted the chance to try! Especially since Darling Husband sister has an adorable red haired baby.
Hope the biopsy works out for you, and good luck in whatever path you need to take to make your family 🙂
Post # 9
First of all, I want to say I really hope your doctor finds sperm and you are able to have a child using your husband’s sperm. Fingers crossed for you!
Second, take what I say with a grain of salt, because I have not been in this particular situation myself.
If it were me, I would pick donor sperm before adoption by a longshot. Just the fact that you don’t have the huge expense, possible bio parents changing their minds, and you get to carry the child yourself. But adoption is wonderful too, so I am by no means discouraging anyone who chooses to take that journey. Silly idea though: Because you will probably never find a donor who is a replica of your husband, what if you let your husband pick the donor without your input? Then he would have a sense of control and a sense that he is contributing something to the baby by making that choice. If it were me, I would feel guilty trying to choose a donor because it would feel weirdly like cheating or replacing my husband. But if he was choosing, it would feel more like a gift he was picking out for me and our family-to-be. Just a random thought. And again, I am not in the situation so perhaps I would feel differently than I think I would.
Post # 10
I just wanted to pop in and wish you both good tidings. I hope the test provides positive results as it sounds like that would be the best outcome for you.
As for going down the donor route as an alternative; you’re not shallow for wanting the DNA to replicate Darling Husband as closely as possible. I don’t suppose you have a BIL?! Whatever will be will be. This may be a lot smoother than you’re anticipating. Just take it one step at a time and together you’ll get there.
Post # 11
Saru0211 : This sounds like such a tough situation. I think as you get more information and do more investigating, then you’ll get a good feeling about how to proceed. I like the idea pearlrose : suggested about letting your husband choose a donor if you go that route. As for telling your kid and family, I wouldn’t worry about telling the kid. If you start early and talk about it then it won’t be weird and if anything it just shows how loved/wanted the kid was. And hand picked to boot. As for family, that depends on your family. Hopefully they are open minded and supportive. I would look on facebook or other infertility forums for a “donor sperm” group if you decide to proceed down that road. It might help answer some of your questions. Best of luck with the test results and whatever you decide to do moving forward.
Post # 12
So our results came in on Friday, and someone from our doctors office called us with the results. The testing did not find any sperm. At first I was okay with it and felt some relief knowing that we at least had an answer and didn’t have to keep waiting. We talked about using donor sperm and we both seemed on board about it, we had also discussed this prior as we knew the test might not have a positivery outcome.
I just can’t get on board with donor sperm. The more I think about it the more upset I get, I can’t imagine having to choose a donor or carry simple one else’s baby. I feel like this whole process is exhausting and so unfair. My husband knows I’m upset but I’m also trying to be aware of his feelings because I don’t want him thinking this changes how much I love him or anything like that.
Post # 14
Is there a chance they could discover why he has no sperm and do something to change that? Or is there truly nothing that can be done? I hope you are both able to find peace with whatever you ultimately decide.
Post # 15
Saru0211 : I’m so sorry, I can’t imagine what you’re processing right now. *hugs*
Remember that, his DNA or not, any baby you bring in to this world together and raise together will be his baby and your baby–not someone elses.
Perhaps you may prefer to consider adopting a frozen embryo? It costs about the same as IVF to do that, but in this case it’s neither your nor his DNA–perhaps that changes something for you?