(Closed) Waiting for what seems like forever

posted 6 years ago in 30 Something
  • poll: wha
  • Post # 2
    Member
    82 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    I would cut my losses and leave. It seems awfully cruel for him to string you along with empty promises after four years together. You deserve someone who can’t wait to marry you, not someone who turns you into a person you don’t like to be. I’m so sorry. Best of luck to you.

    Post # 3
    Member
    1540 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

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    leapbella:  I waited 6 years, so I understand your frustrations. I really don’t think it’s as easy as walking away. If you’re ready to make a commitment to spend the rest of your life with this person, through the good and the bad, you should be willing to be that commited before marriage too. Marriage isn’t everything, and neither is doing it on your timeline. You have to compromise on your expectations to meet his as well.

    That being said….you need to talk to him about what’s going on. Does he want to get married? or is he just feeling pressured? There is some kind of underlying reason he’s waiting that you should be able to talk to him about.

    Post # 4
    Member
    555 posts
    Busy bee

    I don’t really understand the whole waiting thing, tbh. Why do guys buy a ring and then let their girlfriends wait? What is the point, especially if the gf already knows? My proposal was a (semi) surprise, but he bought the ring and proposed like a day later. I am sorry he is putting you through this, I would be frustrated too! Especially if I knew he has a ring, already booked a RECEPTION and then hearing that he is still not sure. I don’t think you should “cut the cords”, but I would distance myself a bit. You didn’t mention if you live together, but if you don’t I would start meeting less often and see how he reacts. You have obviously tried to talk to him, but sometimes people need to see and feel what they’re missing out on. If he is fine with being together less, I would really be concerned and eventually let it go. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    5 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    I really think that you should have a discussion with him about this. If we want to get married we should be able to discuss anything and everything with him, like best friends do. It is true marriage is not a competition. I understand you as a women but what i see is marriage shouldnt be the only thing that we aim. Have you ever seen the movie He’s Just Not That Into You ? The Jennifer Anniston part with her 7 years lover can be the analogy to your situation here. It’s a good relatable relationship movie that we should watch. And hey besides, some movie catching up would be a great mind relaxation right? 

    Post # 6
    Member
    11273 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    View original reply
    brooklynbride15:  

    I agree it’s cruel, but also suggests to me a lack of character.  He makes committments & then doesn’t follow through on them.

    Post # 7
    Member
    81 posts
    Worker bee

    If he says he’s not ready for marriage…listen to him!  It sounds like the two of you are not on the same path.  If he is not ready, are you willing to wait and see what happens?  Or do you want to find marriage now?  Listen to him…and don’t pressure him and make him feel forced into it.  If he’s not ready, he’s not ready.  You need to make the decision best for you.

    Post # 8
    Member
    622 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2016

    I waited a long time too, but when he decided he was ready he bought the ring and held onto it for literally 2 hours until I came home from work and proposed because he couldn’t wait any longer. The fact that your SO bought a ring and then said he’s not sure if he’s ready means that something is up. Sure, it becomes more “real” when a ring is in the picture but you would think he would propose ASAP unless either he’s planning a proposal at a later time or something in his mind is stopping him. Don’t get emotional or blame him for anything, just simply ask “is there something that’s preventing you from wanting to get married?” Marriage is a two-way street and you have a right to know how he’s feeling about it. And just about the whole lying thing…that’s just bad. I had a bad experience with an ex who I kept catching in little lies about really random stuff, and then the lies just kept getting bigger and bigger. Ended really badly. Just be careful with the lying.

    Post # 9
    Member
    29 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: January 2016

    Maybe you should give your man a break and ease off the pressure. You are NEVER going to make someone do something they are not ready to do. Ask yourself whats better waiting a year or two and having it be an natural organic proposal to remember or do you want to be that girl. You know. The one who can’t stop nagging and then ends up pushing someone who she really cares about away. As a man I will tell you I knew when the time was to propose and I didn’t need any ultimatum. Despite what many women on here say about pressuring someone I guarantee you will cut off your nose to spite your face. Yes you may get what you want but don’t be suprised if he deep down resents you for it or drags his feet all along the way. Obviously at some point he has to #### or get off the pot. I was with my girl for six years when I proposed and I knew deep down it was what I wanted. I have countless stories of girls I know who went the pressure rout and almost all have one thing in common, they regretted in. Maybe not now, or before or after the wedding, maybe not 5-10 years but some day it will come back to haunt you. I would never bow to pressure like that. Regardless of what you think, most men do NOT bow to pressure and if they do so it will be forced and you will not be happy with the result. I know many women will tell you what you should do or that he should’ve by now and you should leave. Take it from a man’s point of view it will backfire and there will be resentment. Good luck to you. I hope you end up with the engagaemnt you deserve, because we alll deserve to happy fulfilling lives. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    3302 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

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    realmenwearthepants247:  I’m trying to decide which is worse: your advice or your username. It’s a tie. Nice of you to leap to the conclusion that the OP is pressuring this guy. I see no evidence of that but plenty to suggest that this guy is great at empty promises. 

    OP, time to think about moving on. Actions speak louder than words and his actions show that he does not want to be married at all, but he’s fine with things continuiing indefinitely as they are. If that’s not what you want, only you can change your circumstances. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    29 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: January 2016

    @Doberman

    Telling by your reaction to my name you sound like the typical bossy controlling woman, no real surprise there. The problem is men and women don’t think the same. So for you to assume that her boyfriend is dragging his feet and he is somehow disrespecting her somehow is pretty amusing to say the least. Maybe there is a reason he is acting that way?  I’m sorry but society and the media pushes marriage down everyone’s throat these days. I came to this site for advice on how to deal with the unbelievable amount of pressure involved in wedding planning. It’s been a real eye opener, as you really see the best and worst of people here. Maybe if men didn’t have to worry about coughing up 20k at a minimum for a wedding, how many carats her ring is supposed to be, how crazy alot of women become during planning, the nagging that follows about children, houses etc., it is a lot for most men. Couple that with the fact most women want the world and God forbid a man not meet those expectations they have to look forward to being abused by their wives over the fact they don’t get the mystical fairy tale every parent plants into their daughter’s head about prince charming and happily ever after. I don’t blame him for being apprehensive about committing to someone in today’s day and age. I know I needed to be sure and no amount of pressure a woman applies on a man for a marriage proposal will ever equal the happiness of doing it when your heart tells you the time is right. So please don’t criticize the man when you know very few facts and cause someone to call off what may be a very happy future over some imaginary timeline that needs to be met. I really hope she makes the right decision and doesn’t listen to a lot of this fodder.

    Post # 12
    Member
    1414 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 1969

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    realmenwearthepants247:  Men who are ready to get married, who appreciate their fiancees, don’t see their life together as all pressure and demands. A man who loves his partner will go to the moon and back to make her eyes light up. THAT is what most women’s, uh, fairytale hopes are about: a man who uses his heart and creativity to surprise and delight her. Most women are not insensitive or gold diggers. If a man feels that all women are like this, maybe he should look for a better woman instead of being the type of man who thrives on dating/arguing with an unfeeling but sexy/exciting woman, just sayin’

    Post # 13
    Hostess
    4692 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: April 2007 - City, State

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    leapbella:  sorry.. But his actions SCREAM that he doesn’t want to marry you. I would leave him now, before more time passes and you have wasted that time with someone who will never marry you. Honestly, maybe leaving will do him some good. he may realize that he misses you and does want to marry you. But, staying with him all these years that he is blowing off marriage is just giving him what he wants. To date you but not marry ever. Time to go for sure! I think if a guy really wants to marry you, you’ll know! 

    Post # 14
    Member
    2871 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    View original reply
    leapbella: actions speak louder than words. My dad is not dependable. He’d say one thing and do another. It was a consistent theme throughout my childhood. Very unstablizing, very frustrating and much in breaking trust boundaries. 

    If you want kids, you don’t want a man like this to be their father. It took tens of thousands of dollars and years in therapy to accept my father (forgiveness is still a struggle) and come to terms with the fact that the healthiest way to address the issue into eliminate him from my life. 

    I also had to address resentment issues I had with my mother for having someone like that in our lives. Until I could get into a healthy place with my parents I could not be anyone’s life partner. So I’m getting married later in life. I might miss the window to have kids if I can even have kids.   

    if you don’t want kids, think of yourself. My mom stuck with my dad “for the kids”. We’re finally all out of the house and she’s alone, lonely, with no home, no savings (dad kept it all) and no job skills because she had to take care of six kids. The six of us now have to chip in to take care of mom.  

    She made a poor life partner choice and the financial, emotional and psychological consequences are borne by her and her 6 kids. 

    Maybe your boyfriend isn’t as bad as my dad. But is that a risk you’re willing to take?

    Post # 15
    Member
    2871 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    View original reply
    realmenwearthepants247: your advice isn’t terrible, but how the hell am I supposed to get him to pick up after himself?

    we’ve gotten into this pattern of he only does chores (putting away clean dishes and picking his clothes up off the floor) if I bitch and bitch until it becomes a fight. He finally does it to stop the bitching but it’s creating a lot of resentment on both our parts. 

    We both work full time in the same demanding industry. I workout, wedding plan, cook, do the dishes and pick up after myself. 

    He only works and puts away clean dishes and pick up his clothes if I bitch about it. 

    What do I do, short of putting a maid service on his credit card?

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