(Closed) Waiting frustration [long]

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee

geekgirl84:  I can definately see why you are frustrated. I think what is needed is for you and your bf to sit down and just come up with a life plan, it doesnt have to be exact, but just at what general ages do you want to accomplish this by. i started dating my bf when I was 17, obviously we didn’t have this “life plan” discussion then, but as we started to get older we started to discuss when we want to do stuff by. He knew I wanted to be engaged around the age of 25, married around the age of 26, married for a year and then start to TTC, and so on. So nothing came as a surprise for him when we seriously started talking about getting married because it was around the time that we had discussed. I don’t believe in setting exact dates for people, for example, if we don’t get engaged by the end of this year I’m leaving! I don’t think that is fair on the other person. It should be a joint agreement, not a pressure that you are putting on the other person.

So have this discussion! Make sure your life plans match up. If you want to be married this year and he doesn’t want to be married for 5 years, obviously thats something that needs a discussion!

Just keep your cool and talk it out. Goodluck!

Post # 5
Member
1770 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

It doesn’t sound, from your post, like your boyfriend wants to get married.  What will be next after the brother’s wedding?  Seriously.  If he wanted to make you his wife he would, and he has it too convenient right now. I say you stop being so laid back about this and take the reigns in your own hands.  Give him YOUR timeline.

Post # 6
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee

IceAndFire:  you said it!

I agree that tou definitely need to sit down and have this discussion. Be sure you know exactly what the other person wants and needs, both parties, so that there is no confusion. Communicate how frustrating it is, but remember to back it up with how happy you are together. It sounds like engagement for you is the next natural step but a lot of small things that shouldn’t be putting it on hold, in fact, are.

by no means do I want to tell you what to do, but this is personally what I would do. I really hope it works out!  

Post # 7
Member
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

**raising wine/mimosa/beer/gin and tonic (whatever your heart desires)** Amen to a good rant, waiting sister.

I hear ya.

Post # 8
Member
1350 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

I have a lot of same feelings as you and I know how frustrating it is.  I wish I could offer some good advice, but since I am in the same boat, it’s a bit rough.  I’ll just think positive thoughts for the both of us and hope that our SOs come through pretty dang soon!

Post # 10
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee

I definitely feel your pain! My four year anniversary is in two weeks and I am still waiting also. My boyfriend turns 30 in April and I’ll be 29 this year. I know he wants to marry me as he says it undoubtedly. I’m ready, he knows it, but he just keeps saying “chill out, be patient it’s coming” but we all know it’s coming could me years for a guy! I do agree when others say you should talk about it, he should know your timeline as well. And I do understand how hard these conversations can be. Hopefully you two can have that talk and come to some consensus to ease your mind. I’m still debating having another convo with my bf, I just don’t want him to think I am trying to give him an ultimatum which I can easily see how a guy would confuse that with a “timeline”. In short, you’re definitely not alone!! Best of luck lady.

Post # 13
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee

First, I get your frustration. I’m starting to get frustrated too (for a different reason, mainly, that we’re long distance). But the first thing I’d do is nothing right now. You mentioned possibly PMS. I’ve gotten to the point where I now set reminders on my phone that says “no hot topics” around my PMS dates. This pops up daily for me during the week I’m PMS’ing. What this means is, keep the conversations light because, otherwise, they can go south very quickly…

The other thing I’d suggest (that I’ve done) is tell him in a non-threatening way, that you would like to get engaged by X date. Or however you want to word it. I told my SO that I need for him to have plans for us by a certain date. And then try to never bring it up. It’s possible that he’s already planning for it. It would be completely unfair if he was just stringing you along. But if you state a date, and he clearly says he doesn’t see it happening, then at least that’s a start. If, on the other hand, he acknowledges the date, but still doesn’t want to talk about it…take that as a sign that he’s the great guy that you think he is, and that he knows he may lose a wonderful woman if he doesn’t get his sh*t in gear by a certain time. Let him know that you would like to be able to plan other aspects of your life (ie children and other aspects of your future) and that you can’t wait forever to do that.

Oh, and do something nice for yourself to feel better. I get your frustration…I really do..

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by  fitchick89.
  • This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by  fitchick89.
Post # 14
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee

geekgirl84:  No problem! I don’t think that the discussion will cause pressure, but relieve it. It doesn’t sound like he doesn’t want to marry you, it sounds like there is/are underlying reasons as to why he is delaying the process. Maybe just chatting with him about this will open up those problems so you can work through them together! Becoming engaged and getting married is supposed to be a happy time and you don’t want these negative emotions floating around this issue because then when it does happen it will feel more like a chore than a happy milestone.

Marriage isn’t everything and I think sometimes we let it cloud our vision like its the ONLY thing we want and the ONLY thing that matters. Pick a couple of things that YOU want to work on for  yourself and start working on that, and then the proposal will come when it is supposed to. I was with my boyfriend for 6 years before we got engaged, so I understand your frustration of watching people getting engaged after such short amounts of time. But when it finally does happen you are going to look back and regred all of the nagative energy and arguments that came from this frustration. To me getting engaged/married doesn’t make the other person more committed to you, its just another way of showing your love for someone, but its not the only way.

Remember, never push your feelings and wants aside! I’m not saying thats what he is doing. I’m just saying if you want something you have to speak up!

Just give the discussion a go, if you are just being open, logical and calm, I don’t see anyway that he could get angry/annoyed with you. Its hard to be angry with somebody who isn’t reciprocating the emotion.

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