Post # 1
Bee going undercover here because of the circumstances and how ashamed I am of my actions. I am currently a “waiting” bee and something happened that made snap and act like a total brat and I need some advice. In a couple of weeks my SO and I will celebrate our fourth anniversary. I am 22 and he is 26. Marriage is important to us and we came into the relationship knowing we both wanted marriage and children in the future. He has a stable career and neither of us has any debt. We don’t live together yet only because we are both traditional and want to wait until marriage. I still live with my parents and he lives on his own in an apartment that he has rented since a month before first met and started dating. Now I have stayed with him for extended periods of time since we wanted to practice living together and we have vacationed with each other’s families before. Whenever I have stayed over we have vacationed we always slept in separate beds or rooms because we are waiting until we get married (I’m not knocking anyone who has had sex or permanently lived together before they are married, this is just OUR preference for ourselves). There is money saved for a down payment on a house. Our five year anniversary is on a Saturday next July and we both know it will be a perfect day to get married. On our third anniversary last summer we had a serious talk about the future and he promised he would propose in the year 2015 so we could get married on our fifth anniversary. I know he is serious about marriage, he already has the blessing of my father and he has never given me any reason to doubt his word. He knows what I like/don’t like in terms of rings and he wants to do all the planning re: the proposal and to surprise me. He gave me (and my family) his word that there will be a proposal this year and asked me to just sit back and let it happen and not go crazy every time we vacation or go out so I wouldn’t be disappointed if it didn’t happen that particular time. Although impatient I was doing perfectly fine with this until yesterday.
Yesterday we went to his parent’s home for a fourth of July BBQ. His cousin’s boyfriend proposed and something inside me snapped. They have only been together for eleven months and they are younger than my SO and me. He also have her a beautiful Ruby ring to match her name. Some context: he proposed his because she going to have life-saving surgery in just over a month to correct a heart defect she has had since birth. There is a small chance she will not survive and he wants to marry her before the surgery. It may be moving very fast but they are genuinely in love and their relationship is serious. The plan is for them to throw together a quick wedding with the ceremony and reception to be held at his aunt and uncle’s country property. Even though it is short notice his whole family will chip in and make it a beautiful day. I was so jealous that she got a proposal after only 11 months, a beautiful ring and a beautiful wedding possibly before I am even proposed to when I have been waiting longer than her. I was so upset I cried, threw a hissy fit that his cousin and her boyfriend witnessed while saying some not so nice things and being snarky and picked a huge fight with my SO, which he didn’t understand why I was so upset since he had promised me a proposal was coming. We had a huge screaming match on the ride home and I cried myself to sleep because I was so upset and so tired of waiting.
When I woke up today I was immediately ashamed and I still am. I don’t think the rest of his family knows because his aunt called me to get a recipe from me and his mom emailed me thanking me for coming this morning. I know I was a brat and there was no excuse. I want to show my SO and his cousin and her fiancé that I am sorry. I don’t know what came over me but like I said there is no excuse I am so ashamed. I figure some bees here can understand the waiting monster. Please, any advice as to what I can do to make it up to them is appreciated.
Post # 2
Apologize sincerely for your bad behaviour, in person. That’s about all you can do.
Post # 3
You shouldn’t compare your life to others. It’s human to do so but will only drive you mad! What’s done is done. Maybe you and your SO can invite them out for a celebratory dinner?
Post # 4
Wow. Not gonna comment on your behavior since it sounds like you’re beating yourself up enough for it. Like PPs said, there’s not much you can do now but apologize, don’t try to make excuses, and just move on.
You can make an effort to be especially supportive of them, but if it isn’t sincere (and more importantly, if it won’t come off to them as sincere), I’d just apologize and then stay out of it. it’s not worth risking putting a damper on their happy plans.
Post # 5
undercovebee: I’m not going to try to kick you while you’re down. I know you already feel bad. Like PP said, you can’t compare your life to others. He promised a proposal this year. Hard as it may be, sit back and let it happen. And please sincerely apologize to him.
ETA – apologize to the cousin/FI as well. Just tell them you felt jealous but your behavior was inexcusable and that you’re happy for them. And try to truly be happy for them. Just think – she’s about to go through life changing surgery. Don’t you want her to be happy? 🙂
Post # 6
You need to apologize, in person to all that witnessed it, and especially to your boyfriend’s cousin and her Fiance. For just a moment, put yourself in their shoes and imagine if someone bad acted that way when YOU got engaged. From your post, I can tell that you are sorry, now it is time to make it right.
Secondly, I suggest you take a quick glance at the Waiting Boards for a moment a refresh yourself on the number of bees who are simply waiting for a timeline even (which you have received) in addition to a timely proposal, as well as a wedding date in the very near future, all of which you wanted.
Lastly, understand that your situation and relationship and timeline will always differ from others, for countless reasons. Instead of being angry about waiting, take five minutes to sit and think about the whole reason your FIs cousin is getting hastily married. Be grateful for your health and be happy as you are in a much better place than most “waiting” bees.
Post # 7
I would apologize in person and really own up to what you did. That means not just saying “I’m sorry,” but preparing a speech like: “It was wrong of me to do [xyz things], and this is why.” If you feel like it’s necessary to explain where your feelings of frustration were stemming from (so your outburst doesn’t seem entirely random / out of the blue), be sure to caveat that it’s no justification or excuse for what you did. And then express that you hope everyone can forgive you and put this behind them.
It’s good that you do feel guilty, and it seems like this was unusual / you weren’t yourself. I might also mention that you’re working to ensure an outburst like this will never happen again.
Post # 8
TheGridMonster: It’s okay to comment on my behavior. I know what I did and there is no excuse for the way I acted. If I read here about someone acting like I did I would be disgusted.
I am sorry for what I did. I am happy for them and ashamed that I acted otherwise. I want her day to be special and will do anything I can to make her happy before the surgery. I am worried for her re: the surgery. I am also remorseful for how I treated my poor SO.
Post # 9
You can’t change the past. All you can do is take responsibility now. And maybe try to recognize that if someone else acted the way you did and was sincerely sorry, wouldn’t you forgive that person? You’re a person, too. Take responsibility, apologize, etc. And then realize that you’re human and forgive yourself. 🙂
Post # 10
undercovebee: Tell them all those things, I’m sure it would mean the world to her to hear them and to know that you’re in her corner in what i can only imagine is a terrifying time for her.
also, I have to say, it’s refreshing to see someone come on here and recognize that they made mistakes and want to make reparations, so props to you for that. Hope you all work it out and that you and your cousin both have amazing weddings in the future (even if you do have to wait a bit longer for yours). As I say to many waiting bees (I got engaged after 7+ years with my FI), in the grand scheme of things, waiting a bit longer for a proposal you know is coming is not a big deal, and I guarantee it’ll be something you look back on and wonder why you wasted so much time worrying about it.
Post # 11
Oh, wow. I am so sad for you that in that poor girl’s medical situation, all you saw was the one thing you don’t have yet. Unlike PPs, I am going to briefly comment on your behavior because even though you recognize it was wrong, I think it’s imperative you understand the significance of your actions. It’s not like you had a private meltdown or guilt-tripped your boyfriend. They heard the things you said. You may have seriously tainted their special moment.
I would give it a few days and call the bride. Apologize profusely and say you are embarrassed she witnessed you being emotional and selfish, and tell her that you are incredibly happy for her and want to help in any way you can. Then, do it. Maybe call her mom and ask about bridal shower or engagement party plans? If she wants one and there isn’t one planned, volunteer to help make it the best damn bridal shower that’s ever existed.
Do not make anything else about you. Period. No talking about “when SO and I get married …” “I want my wedding to be …” No. None. Zip your lips until at least after her surgery is over.
Apologize to your SO and don’t expect him to forgive you immediately. You caused a scene at a happy and memorable family occasion. That merits some cool-down time.
As another young bride (23), stories like this make me furious. Your attitude is exactly why every time someone posts something dramatic or immature, people immediately ask “how old are you?” Do some soul-searching and get to a place where you are at peace with waiting. You’re 22 and the end is in sight, so spend some time dating yourself and stop watching the clock.
Post # 12
undercovebee: Apologise to the newly engaged couple and offer to throw a bridal shower, bachelorette party or arrange their wedding cake something to show your support.
THEN go to your Boyfriend or Best Friend, apologise. Girl, you are getting engaged within months. Yeah, it stings when someone gets it sooner but she may lose her life, she deserves to feel that happiness that you will get to absorb for MUCH longer than her. So plan a specia date for him, surprise him with a bacon bouquet on your way to the date. Give him your best sorry date. Remind him he is worth the wait.
You’ve got this. You obviously have a good heart. Offer a piece of kindness. 🙂
Post # 13
I think you might need to do more than apologize with words. Try to physically do something for them. Perhaps you can plan a dinner for these cousins or offer up some services for their wedding. (Or both!) Show you care and are happy for them. You can still mend your relationship with them.
Post # 14
Not only do you need to apologize (profusely), but you need to really try to understand why you had such an extreme reaction to hearing that someone had something you wanted, that you thought you deserved more. I can guarantee you this will not be the last time this happens in your life. Hopefully you will handle it in a more appropriate manner next time.
Always remember that when you get close with someone, you know their faults, insecurities and flaws. Exploiting those by hurling snarky, mean comments when you’re angry is a very dirty way to fight. It’s hard to get people to forgive you. Set higher standards for yourself and don’t do that again.
Post # 15
I agree with all the PPs. I think that if you call her in a few days, and tell her what is in your heart she can try to be able to understand and maybe see on your level. I know at least I would be able to understand and forgive the person who is going through a tough waiting time. I would also not metion anything about my future possible wedding again until it was my turn. Especailly since this will be an extremely short engagement, she will be so busy and getting things in order it is her time right now.
As for you boyfriend, I feel bad that this happened between both of you, but extra bad for him. He probably had no idea what was going on and was just kind of caught in some crossfire. Give him a cooldown period. This reminds me of the Bee who found a ring for her friend, and then talked to the friend about how it was ugly and everyone then saw her in a different light. It was not good. Try not to let getting married get the best of you. This should not be the highlight of you life and the driving force behind it, it should just be another fun life experience to add to an otherwise well rounded existance.