Post # 16
missjewels: It sounds strange to me that you wouldn’t want visitors or allow your Mother-In-Law to at least sit in the waiting area for the birth of her first grandchild. I mean… why not? What’s the harm? In my family and circle of friends, it’s a open house for all close family and friends to pop in for a visit, whether it’s for a couple hours or ten minutes. And close family is always in the waiting area. So, it def is a strange concept for me to understand not wanting at least immediate family on both sides of the family to be able to come and visit or wait in the waiting area during labor.
Regarding doctor visits, I mean, if you’re Mother-In-Law is a nice lady who is really excited about her grandchild, what’s the harm in bringing her along for ONE of your doctor visits, just to make her happy. I always try to think of the future in scenarios like this. When I’m older and my future kids start having kids, I’d be very hurt and quite frankly, shocked, if my daughter-in-law wouldn’t allow me to be at the hospital for the birth of my son’s child.
But, in the end, the decision is up to you and your husband. If you don’t want anyone there, then you don’t want anyone there. But I personally don’t think it’s fair that you can have your mother there and he can’t have his mother there, even if he says he doesn’t care. I get that you’re the one in labor. But your husband also deserves to have his mom share in this special moment when his son/daughter is born, though I think it’s great that he wants to be that accommodating to you. You can always just let the staff know that you do not want anyone coming in the room until an hour after the baby is born so you and your husband can have that special quiet time as a family right after the baby is born.
Post # 17
It’s all about what you & your Darling Husband want in the end. You aren’t that far along, correct? She may have just been speaking out of excitement and hadn’t thought it all the way through. My advice would be to let it go and as you get closer, you can set out your expectations for both families.
My sister brought up a good point to me when I was talking to her about who I wanted in the room and such. She said to think about a second support person in case your Darling Husband can’t be with you. She said she’s seen a lot of husbands pass out or need support themselves and parents are often the go-to on that.
You have to do what you feel comfortable with and if that means you don’t want a bunch of people waiting, then you just need to specify it. Maybe kind of make it a part of your birth plan?
Post # 18
missjewels: OMG NO!!! I have heard comments like this from grandparents-to-be but in no way on this earth was the actual mother of the baby ok with it. I think its just comments about how excited they are….I hope. My Darling Husband is like yours “you let me know what you need and I’ll do it”. Im just in the process of TTC so I havent dealt with it yet but I KNOW its gonna be coming. For me I dont even want to let people know Im in labor because labor can take days from when it “starts”…. and our parents are going to be calling and texting every 5 seconds and if they dont get a response they will freak out!….are people going to take off work and pay $100 an hour to park in the hospital parking to sit and wait forhow long? and then NOT be let in until Im recovered for at least a couple hours? no that doesnt make sense….
I want to have the baby, and Darling Husband can call the parents asap but its going to be explained before the birth AND at the time (because Im sure everyone will “forget”) that I want several hours to just “become human again” lol… your body is in such shock afterwards and I dont want people trapsing in when my body is starting to get the “feeling back” to all the places that you dont want feeling back in…………….. (and your trying to get the baby to feed for the first time etc…. I dunno it seems like it will be overwhelming and everyone I talk to says they wish they had enforced NO VISITORS right away…. most grandparents muscle their way in but Im going to tell the nurses do not let anyone past this door until I say so (and possibly hand out pictures of them) LOL.
Post # 19
It is all about what you want. Different families are used to different things. My mom was put off that I told her I would rather hire a doula than have her in the waiting room. This is the same woman who told my sister to quit being such a weenie and quit crying while she was in labor. I dont need that sort of support, but thanks for the offer.
Another poster said “what’s the harm in letting them be in the waiting room or attend an appointment.” I think it depends on the person. I have to keep firm bounderies with my Mother-In-Law because if you give an inch, she takes whole lot more than that. I didnt want folks in the waiting room because I didnt want to feel any pressure to “hurry up” and let them in to visit. I had no idea how i’d feel after labor. I knew I’d want to shower, eat, rest, etc and didnt want anyone hovering over. Plus – there are some IL’s who will find a way to get back there and ignore the nurses.
<br />The entire “MY GRANDCHILD” is really tough. Things have changed from when our parents were in our shoes. Back in their day, whatever the Mother or Mother-In-Law wanted, went. Times have changed and many MIL’s havent gotten that message. Mine is slowly starting to get it…But nothing will erase the memory of the first time she tried to tug the baby out of my DH’s arm saying it was her turn. Darling Husband didnt let go and it caused an awful scene.
Post # 20
In my experience it’s pretty common to have the grandparents in the waiting room. Usually they come in a bit after the baby is born, give congratulations, hold the baby for a minute and leave. It’s not a huge deal. But if you don’t want her there, just don’t call her until the baby is born. Although I’d plan for the possibility of a lot of hurt feelings.
Post # 21
Diamond84: well I think the point is…. a lot of the time women dont want people in the waiting rooms because as soon as the babies born everyone gets a little too excited and barges in on the new mom who may or may NOT be in any state to see anyone. I know a couple of people who have had horrible experiences with this because their MIL’s could wait even though they were told “you cant go in the room yet”.
One stormed in the door when my friend hadnt even delivered the placenta yet….. she was having problems and the doctor had to “manually remove it” so basically elbow deep in her vag right after birth = NOT FUN/EXTREMELY PAINFUL worse then the birth she said…. her Darling Husband had stepped out to grab something and Mother-In-Law slipped in the room, friend was HORRIFIED and started screaming at Mother-In-Law to GTFO which I do NOT blame her for! My other friend had her Mother-In-Law (who worked in the hospital years before and knew a bunch of the nurses) come into the room when a nurse was doing an “exam” (not 20 minutes after birth) of her “area” because she tore really badly and had stitches… her Mother-In-Law was standing at the foot of the bed talking to the nurse in like DIRECT VIEW and my friend was like WTF are you doing?? She had told her Darling Husband not to call anyone until the baby was born and he didnt he snuck out and told and his whole family showed up and waited…and then basically said screw you were coming in…….
Im sorry but that kinda stuff is totally not acceptable…. I guess the point is if people are at the hospital its easier to push in on the new mom when shes not ready. You may be from a family where coming in 10 minutes after is fine/normal but that doesnt mean everyone has the same comfort level when they’ve been through a physically traumatic experience. I wouldnt say NO you cant come to the hospital but I would prefer they didnt just because I know the people Im personally dealing with and they will not respect what I want. If I know they would stay outta the way until I was ready then sure…. come and stay as long as you like, but its the couples personal choice. Like I said in the last post I dont know one single person that didnt vent to me about how they wish they had more rest/private time before people started coming in.
Post # 22
This is your little family that you’re bringing a new addition into, and that’s priority. As much as she is overstepping her bounds, you have to appreciate that she’s so ready to welcome your new addition to the family 🙂
I’ve heard of this happening, but I know if I ever were to have children that this wouldn’t be something I was comfortable with. I think that the birth of a child is a very private time, and it’s also incredibly frightening and more private because this is your first child. My mom joked that your genitals are no longer private and you just don’t care during your second pregnancy, but with your first it’s a bigger deal, and you’re allowed to want to be private until you’re ready to receive visitors.
If anything, I would make sure you promise that the first people to visit will be her/her SO and your parents WHEN you’re ready for visitors after the birth, so she understands that you still want to acknowledge her special role as grandmother and appreciate her excitement, but that you still protect your little family during this exciting time.
Post # 23
Diamond84: however in saying all this I had a cousin who last summer had a planned home birth in her bathtub/livingroom floor and my aunt flew in all her siblings (so my cousins aunts/uncles) to be there to witness it lol….. talk about a ‘show” lol… its just all about your own comfort level.
Post # 24
- Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY
Well, for the birth of both my children we had a full house in the waiting area: grandparents from both sides, one of my siblings, an aunt and a cousin. My husband was very happy to be able to share the moment with our loved ones. Both times they stayed until the babies were shown in the nursery; none of them visited my room, as they knew I needed to rest.
Post # 25
Disclaimer – I don’t have kids and never will.
However, I DO have many friends who have kids, and not a single one allowed in laws in the waiting room. They all had the same basic plan, which was DH/SO only, and one or two had their mom on standby. They went into labor, and texted/called close friends and family when they felt ready for a visit. Something to the effect of “Baby John was born at 5pm, 6lbs and 6oz, mom and baby are healthy and happy. Now that everyone is settled, we’d be happy to receive brief visits! Please let us know when you’d like to stop by”.
Honestly, I think one started that way, everyone else thought it was a great idea and followed. This way, there’s no pressure for visitors before everyone is ready. If no one is notified until after the actual birth and first feeding and bonding time, you don’t have people knocking down the door
Post # 26
I guess where this is really coming from is I don’t know how I am going to feel after the labour, if it will be hard or not, if there will be ripping, how bad pain etc.
So to me I would rather everyone be at home and if I feel great and it all went well, sure come on down and meet the little sucker at 3 hours old. However, if things were hard or I am in a lot of pain and I want to sleep first and get cleaned up I want that option to say, no please come when the baby is 12 hours old aka tomorrow morning. But if she is already there then no matter how I feel at that 2 hour mark when they allow visitors she will expect to come in regardless of how up to it I am feeling or how nursing is going.
She is more then welcome to visit in the hospital I just want to say “ok now I feel ok” whether that is at 2-3 hours or 12-18 hours after the birth and not have the expectation be it is as soon as possible.
Post # 27
Yeah… its a thing. To me its not a huge deal to have my IL’s excitedly waiting to see the baby in the waiting room. I’d find it way more weird to have them in the delivery room with me. And I have heard of pushy MIL’s who think they get a front row seat. One of my friends has a Mother-In-Law who is a labor and delivery nurse and she all but assumed she would be there during labor.
Post # 28
My sister is a labor and delivery nurse and she deals with this stuff all the time so I have my plan in place already (even though I’m not yet pregnant).
First, you and your Darling Husband have to have a united front. He had to absolutely be on your side and make it clear to his mother that if you don’t want her there, then you don’t want her there. You may be in labor for 24 hours or more. Would she be planning on staying that whole time?
Second, once you two are on a united front, you need to let your nurse know that your plan is no visitors unless asked. The nurses will put something in the computer letting the other staff know your requests and will put something on the door as well. The labor and delivery and mother/baby units are locked units at most hospitals and you have to be buzzed in. My sister has tons of stories of excited grandparents trying to barge their way onto the units (and into the rooms while the woman is in labor) and it makes for a very stressful experience for everyone.
I understand your Mother-In-Law is excited but you are completely in the right to have everyone stay home until you are up to seeing visitors. I agree with you – everyone will stay home until they get a call from me or my Fiance saying it will be OK to visit.
Post # 29
shanbp: Well that’s kinda the hospital and staff’s fault to allow the Mother-In-Law in the room before she had finished giving birth, assuming of course your friend specifically told them not to allow anyone in the room. And if she didn’t tell them that because she thought no one knew she was in labor, well then that was miscommunication between her and her husband and shame on him for not respecting his wife’s wishes and controlling the situation better, by keeping his mother out of the room until his wife gives the okay. So if a husband and wife agree to letting certain people in the room at a specific time, all should be fine. Bottom line is, people can’t just barge into the room if specific instructions are given to not let anyone in.
And I’m not saying to let the Mother-In-Law in the room before giving birth, but to not even allow the woman to sit in the waiting room until she is given the okay to come into the room and see her grandchild is, not right, in my opinion. Even if you make a rule that no one comes in until 2 hours after the baby is born for quiet time alone; let her wait for 2 hours in the waiting room until she can come in.
Post # 30
missjewels: haha! we will be lucky if my Mother-In-Law doesn’t insist on being IN THE ROOM with us! you’re lucky she said she’d be in the waiting room!