- 6 years ago
- Wedding: September 2018
This is really really long. I had no idea it would turn out so crazy long. So I’ve bolded the important bits but feel free to read it all.
About two weeks ago SO and I had a fight. A big fight. We both said some hurtful things. But SO also said some things that made me take a step back, I’ve just been wondering what to with it all. A lot of it was about being long distance (though I was visiting at the time), some of it was about the past, and some about the future, about marriage.
SO always bottles things up, and then everything comes out at once. So whilst we rarely fight on such a scale when we do it brings up things from months (and in this case years) ago. This fight wasn’t over within a few hours, I was still feeling sick about (and we were still rowing about) things a couple of days later.
Some of the highlights:
SO doesn’t feel like he does anything right, that I want something perfect in a man and he doesn’t cut it.
This kind of brings us back to SO bottling everything up, I don’t. If something bothers me, I mention it. I mention it even if it isn’t a big deal, because then it doesn’t become one (IMO). This can include things as menial as leaving the seat up (I’ll make a joke about it though, it’s not a “serious conversation” starter). SO thinks the silly things are just that: silly; so he’s not going to get “upset” about it or make a fuss because it’s not important. I agree for the most part but from previous experience the little things can become the big things. I don’t want that. These things still come out in the big fights anyway.
According to SO (nearly) everything I say is accusatory.
Ok, we’re long distance at the moment. He is still my boyfriend so I still care about what he’s up to. “What are you up to tonight?” to me is just an interested question, he feels like I’m keeping tabs on him. And when he says he’ll be home at 9pm to Skype for example, and he’s not back so I text to ask where he is; it’s not because I’m mad (although I admit on occasion I have been) but because I worry. Not being home before 2am on a Wednesday night before work at 8am gives me cause to worry. I think I am still allowed to worry even if I am a 7 hour time difference (thanks to BST no longer 8 hours) and 7000 miles away.
I am short-tempered and quick to anger – which worries SO; and means he’s kept things from me.
I stress easily. I am aware of this. I am a lot better than I was and I am trying to improve. SO worries he’ll say something that will upset me, something he doesn’t want to do for 2 reasons. 1- he doesn’t want me to be upset; 2- he doesn’t want me to take it out on him. He feels like he’s treading on eggshells from time to time (oh no, this makes me sad). This means he admits to keeping things from me. Mostly trivial things. Some big, hurtful things. Like the time he went to a party with his ex or telling me he was spending the night in so he didn’t have to explain he was spending the night at a girl friends house. I may have already been stressed on the days these occurred, I don’t know, they would have aggravated it for sure. What hurts is that he didn’t tell me until well after the event. In the case of the girl friend, this came up in conversation when we were with her “remember the time when…” type conversation. I held my cool in the moment, but afterwards I asked why he didn’t tell me. I don’t mind at all that he stayed, much better than a gutter somewhere, but it’s embarrassing to find out that way, it makes me feel like a fool. He said he crashed there, but when he wakes up in the morning not in our bed, I’d think he’d want to tell me just to settle my worries. But because I wasn’t there, and because we had no plan to talk immediately after the event, when I asked him about the night he neglected to mention it. More to the point, he admits to intentionally not mentioning it.
SO is feeling under pressure to propose.
Poor SO. I never wanted this! In talking about me moving to be with him (7000miles away from home!) I said I’d like to think that by this time next year there’d be a plan to get married; I said it in what I thought was a cutesy, romantic way but he freaked out. He brought up that right at the beginning of our relationship I mentioned I didn’t think I could wait 8 years for a guy. I said this because he’d mentioned that he was with his ex 8 years and they broke up partially because of the wait (from what I gather). Marriage is important to me and I thought since the topic came up, it was only fair to mention it. Now it comes out that he feels like that was an ultimatum. At a time when I didn’t even know if he was the guy I wanted to spend 8 months with, let alone 8 years or get married to!
So I’ve taken a lot of time to think. About what I want. The fight and the visit had put a lot of doubt in my mind about our future. But ultimately it boils down to me being sh*t scared of moving all that way. Moving to another city is scary enough but this is totally new. I think I said what I said about getting married soon because I’m scared, insecure even (though I did think that was the timeline anyway).
We have so much going on at the moment, I think it’s more than we can bear to be honest. And I’m all caught up in “getting married” that I totally forgot why I want to be married to SO in the first place. I want to be married to SO, I don’t doubt that he’s the one. But because I love him, because I want to spend my life with him and because I want to have children with him. Not because it solidifies our relationship and justifies me moving far away, and not because it makes the visa issue easier. And the getting married part: the wedding and the proposal, thats all arbitrary.
So I am taking a step back. Enjoying our relationship. Waiting is in hibernation.
If any bees have thoughts on our fight, because I’m still trying to work out some of the things in my mind, and trying to improve my reactions to things then that’d be much appreciated. Thanks for reading.