(Closed) Waiting in hibernation. Long, long post.

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
2411 posts
Buzzing bee

@ladyartichoke:  

 

I said it in what I thought was a cutesy, romantic way but he freaked out.  He brought up that right at the beginning of our relationship I mentioned I didn’t think I could wait 8 years for a guy.  I said this because he’d mentioned that he was with his ex 8 years and they broke up partially because of the wait (from what I gather).  Marriage is important to me and I thought since the topic came up, it was only fair to mention it.  Now it comes out that he feels like that was an ultimatum.



He freaked out because you expressed the hope that you two will have a timeline one year from now? With all due respect, my first reaction is that sadly, it sounds like you’re the one on eggshells, not him!

I’m also surprised that he feels it’s an ultimatum for you to let him know that eight years is not a comfortable timeline for you. An ultimatum… really?

When I’m reading your descriptions of how he reacts when you tell him what’s on your mind, it sounds like he is touchy and easily threatened.

When you tell someone what you think, what you feel or what you need — that is very different from making an ultimatum. I think it’s good and healthy to speak up for yourself and to be clear about what you need and expect in a relationship.

Example – Darling Husband was with another woman for four years before he was with me. When we were dating, I once made an offhanded comment that I didn’t think I could stay in a relationship for for that long, and that after a certain point — two years or so — I needed to know where things were headed. When I made that comment, it was not a big deal. Darling Husband listened to me … he wanted to know what I thought or how I felt so that we could talk things out and get onto the same page. 

 

When a man complains that he feels under pressure to propose, my first reaction would not be to feel sorry for him, or guilty for letting him know what I want in life. My first reaction would be to give him the space that he seems to be asking for. LOTS and lots of space.

 

 

Post # 4
Member
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@ladyartichoke:  Hi. I have no real knowledge of how you two interact. but it sounds like he is reading your comments/questions as nagging. When this happens, the non-nagger completely retreats and usually does bottle stuff up. I am not saying that you are nagging, just that he is reading you that way and reacting to it.

Post # 5
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Honestly he sounds like he is nitpicking and grasping at straws for any reason to make it sound like anything wrong with your relationship is 100% your fault. I know because this is how I used to treat one of my exes, and I was just (immaturely, selfishly, and cruelly) biding my time because I was too much of a jerk and a pussy to just dump him already.

I don’t know your waiting story, but this post isn’t a very good sign 🙁

Post # 8
Member
748 posts
Busy bee

@ladyartichoke:  I think you should read “the proper care and feeding of husbands”, here is a link: http://www.amazon.com/The-Proper-Care-Feeding-Husbands/dp/0060520612

I won’t go into details because my post would be too long, but I think you need to take responsibility for this just as much as he needs to. If he feels nagged, then you could probably lay off his case for a while. And, contrary to popular belief, it’s not a great idea to say something about *everything* that bothers you. Many of those will not become a problem later if you learn to shrug some things off. Anyway, the author can advise you much better than I can, she’s brilliant at it. I can assure you that would greatly improve your relationship.

Post # 10
Member
2074 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I’m really sorry this is going on for you at what must be a stressful time anyway – aren’t you just about to finish uni? (I’m in the same boat there so I can sympathise!)

What I wanted to add to what other posters have said, is that it’s a bit worrying that “What are you doing tonight?” is being taken as accusatory by your SO. My SO and I were long distance for a year, and in the nicest way possible, I don’t see how your LDR is going to stay healthy if you can’t talk about the day to day stuff. It’s important to stay feeling involved in the other person’s life. I think you need to get to the bottom of why your SO is feeling this way and work on it together. I hope you get back to both being happy very soon.

I think it’s a good idea to take a step back for the moment though and focus on finishing uni. Best of luck if you have exams coming up 🙂

Post # 12
Member
1278 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Like you  mentioned, he has been bottling things up so it has all come out in one giant mess. By him bottling, everything you do now seems like it is nagging or accusatory. I am sure this is not your intention and as we all know, every relationship goes through ups and downs and there are times where nothing you can do is right.

That said, you are both aware of this now and you can be conscious of trying to fix it.

Are there  plans for one of you to move any time soon? Anyway, good luck!!

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