(Closed) waiting in vain

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
1580 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

You’re both on different pages right now. After 6 years, he can’t commit? This isn’t a you problem, this is a ‘he doesn’t want to get married’ problem. I think you need to sit down and have a really long uncomfortable talk with him about your timeline and what you want out of life. You may not like what he has to say but it’s a conversation you need to have.

Post # 3
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

sunflower01:  He’s not ready or he doesn’t want to marry you. After 6 years of being together, stable, and in your mid 30’s, this marriage plan should already be put into action. Sorry bee 🙁 I wouldn’t waste anymore time with someone who isn’t on the same page as you.

Post # 4
Member
628 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

If he’s not yet ready for marriage he should at least be able to tell you what he sees in terms of a timeline. Just saying that he’s “not yet ready for that marriage level” sounds like he’s given this zero thought. After 6 years, that’s not at all fair to you or your visions you have for your life. Sorry you’re going through this.

Post # 5
Member
1352 posts
Bumble bee

Discuss this fully and honestly with him. Stand up for yourself. You seem shy about affirming what you want (you say you don’t want him to be pressured; don’t want to come off as desperate) – you need to change your mindset.

Getting married is a 100% legit goal. You want the commitment (the the future, not just for now), the formal and public proclamation of you and your partner as a unit, the legal protection, the social recognition, etc. Whatever your reasons, they are not desperate. 

If he’s not ready, respect that, but then you have to decide if you’re willing to stay boyfriend/girlfriend, or move on and find someone who shares the same goals.

Post # 6
Member
3541 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

I fully believe that after 2 years you should know if you are going to marry someone, let alone 6 years and in your mid 30’s. Unless he is able to give you a specific timeline, I’d move on if you want kids. This may be a deal breaker for your relationship. I’m sorry, bee. 

Post # 7
Member
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I spent 3.5 years with a guy like that from age 30 to 33.  When he says he isn’t ready, believe him.  Not only believe him, but understand he’s putting it mildly in order to 1. Keep you around and 2. not seem like a bad guy.

almost 3 years later, I’m married to my wonderful husband who was ready for marriage mere months into our relationship.  I’m having our first child in February.  My man-child ex is nearly 40, still living in the dumpy bachelor pad he moved to when I broke up with him and will text me once in awhile to ask how my “new relationship” is going and brag that he’s getting all sorts of action on okcupid (sure, buddy.). I thought it was me, but it really is him and his inability to commit long term.  

After my ex moved out and stopped pleading for me to stay with him, he admitted that he wasn’t ever going to marry me.  He would go along with the idea of it to prevent me from leaving, but in all reality he was never going to commit to marriage or children.  

You deserve better than someone who is this unsure after 6 years.  It gets stale waiting for someone to be ready to love you the way you love them and the way you deserve to be loved.  Starting over is painful and hard, but it sure beats wasting more time with a man who isn’t all in. 

Post # 8
Member
1811 posts
Buzzing bee

As a PP said, he’s not ready or he doesn’t want to marry you. The reasons behind either don’t matter. It is what it is and you need to decide if that’s “good enough.” In the meantime, you are good enough to be married and if he’s not on that page, you must seriously consider finding someone who is. I know that’s not the answer you want to hear, but the sooner you pay more mind to your wants/needs than his, the sooner you can get on the right track to finding a guy who is right for you AND is on the same page. They are out there…more than one. I spent 8 years with a nice guy who didn’t want to get married. He is STILL not married…and it has been 5 and a half years since I left him!! Shortly thereafter, I found my Darling Husband….we dated for 8 months and got engaged, married the following year. That could be you!

Post # 9
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Dude… THIS: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ym1HWuHJQTE  

 

I say end it. Either he will A.) Realize he’s an idiot and has  basically been married to you and loves you. Or B.) You will find someone who can and will do that for you. 

Post # 10
Member
1570 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I am so, so sorry bee. Unfortunately, I have to agree with previous replies, if at 34 and 6 years together he still isn’t sure or ready, then he likely never will be. I think if marriage and children are a nonnegotiable for you, then you need to leave. This isn’t the same thing as dating in your teens and 20s, you want to have children and, while I don’t believe in the idea that your fertility plummets at 35, you do need to do it sooner than later so you don’t have the luxury of waiting years for him to maybe come around.

Post # 11
Member
2427 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

If he can say calmly and matter-of-factly that he is not ready to get married yet, then you have to get out as soon as possible and find someone who is.

At 34, you are already mentioning a high-risk pregnancy, I would say don’t even waste time on a deadline. Enough time has gone by, just start dating.

Post # 12
Member
8559 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

steen425:  

Not wanting to threadjack, but decreased fertility after 35 is not just an ‘ idea’ which can be believed in or not, but a regrettable fact. Of course a healthy first pregnancy after 35 is perfectly possible, but takes longer to acheive anddoes carry an increased chance of miscarriage according to most authorities. 

Post # 13
Member
5863 posts
Bee Keeper

sunflower01:  I’m sorry to hear this Bee ((((hugs))))). First off- please in no way, shape or form feel that you’re at fault in your feelings. You’re not ‘pressuring’ him, you’re not sounding ‘desperate’, you’re a grown woman who has been in a stable relationship for years & you have every right to talk about your future, make plans for your future (with or without him). You should be able to discuss anything in a relationship. 

I definitely don’t think you should wait longer- 6 years is more than long enough for a grown-ass man to know how he feels and what he wants. But I wouldn’t say give up either- at least not until the 2 of you have a very serious talk. It shouldn’t be a surprise to him at all that you want to discuss such things at this point in your relationship. Have they not been discussed before now? If so, what was said/ decided etc. You want marriage and kids, you’ve been together 6 years, if he wasn’t on board with this he should have made it crystal clear to you long before now. If  he is on board with it, he needs to stop procrastinating and start making plans.

Give him a chance- but don’t let him make excuses, vague timelines, or ambiguous promises or make you feel like you’re ‘pressuring him’ by your very reasonable expectations of an honest conversation about important matters. At this stage of your relationship words are not enough, they need to be backed up by action on his part if he’s truly committed to you.

 

Post # 14
Member
1570 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

elderbee:  Agreed that it decreases, but like I said, the idea that it plummets immediately at 12:01am on your 35th birthday is misleading. It’s a relatively gradual process.

 

ETA: This article sums it up pretty nicely!

 http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2013/06/21/fertility_after_35_everything_you_thought_you_knew_was_wrong_says_new_atlantic.html

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 12 months ago by  steen425.
  • This reply was modified 3 years, 12 months ago by  steen425.

The topic ‘waiting in vain’ is closed to new replies.

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