(Closed) Waiting is driving us apart; can't even be in the same car for an hour

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 91
4 posts

I’m a bit confused  what’s wrong with wanting to be engaged in your mid to late twenties…. I’m older and it seems to me there is a growing trend of men wanting to prolong this college dude bro phase into their thirties. There is a middle ground. You can still get engaged or married and have friends, travel, and work on your career. 

if I were a younger bride waiting for my first engagement, there’s no way I would be ok with waiting 6,7,8,10 years until my boyfriend decided to grow up. 

if others are ok with waiting, that’s fine. But not everyone is or should be without good reason. 

Post # 93
123 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

barbgordon:  maybe stop thinking about it as an issue, and more so of just “this is life.” He wants to provide for you, and never make you settle. Plus, if he’s not emotionally ready, imagine how unhealthy the beginning of your marriage would be. I know patience is hard (: I’m sure things will happen, in good time 

Post # 94
382 posts
Helper bee

Reading your last update I can’t help but wonder you might be sabotaging your own proposal. 

I get that you are angry and resentful, but you really need to learn how to control the way you act out this feelings. If seeing you like that is making him not propose (you say he says he has the money, but is doubting the proposal because of how you behave), then you seriously need to search for a way to control your anger.

From your updates you seem to feel you are entitled to get proposed because of what you have done for him, and it seriously doesn’t work like it. Try one of the shut-it-up pacts from Wedding Bee or convince yourself to let it go for at least six months. 

He seems to love you and wants to be with you. He has told you he is planning on asking you to marry him…but you keep insisting. Imagine it was the other way around, wouldn’t it be a huge turn off for you if you wanted to surprise him and he kept getting mad at you because he hasn’t given you the opportunity to surprise him?

Seriously, calm down! 

Post # 95
80 posts
Worker bee

Propose to him instead!

Post # 96
230 posts
Helper bee

Does he have an inner circle? Have you not talked to his friends or family?

If I were in your shoes, I would. Somebody somewhere knows something.

I don’t know too many men who have friends who are in long-term relationships, who never get asked, “So, are you two going to get married? When are you getting engaged?” by friends, mothers, even fathers, and sisters.

What did they say when you talked to them?

Is it impossible to ask any of them the right questions to get the information you want?

Look, if any of them like you, and you suggest, “Well, it looks as if he doesn’t want to get married after all. I’ve waited all this time and he still hasn’t proposed… so maybe he’s not interested and I should be moving along…” what do you think they’re going to do if they know he’s about to propose?

Post # 97
3833 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

In this day and age 4 years of dating isn’t unreasonable, especially in your 20s. My Fiance and I started dating at 18 and got engaged after 6 years. You two were on slightly different timelines, and that isn’t really anyone’s fault. Now it sounds like maybe your Boyfriend or Best Friend IS finally ready to get engaged, but now he won’t do it because he feels annoyed at you pushing him about it. As a fellow stubborn person I could understand that – if someone tries to pressure me into something it gets my back up and just makes me want to resist.

I think that first of all you need to calm down. Put your worries about marriage to the side for, say, a month and just focus on everything good in the relationship and re-building love and trust. This will set the scene for a better talk because right now it’s just defensive on both sides.

So once it’s calmed down a bit you need to have a talk. Respectfully, calmly, not aggressively. Tell him you are sorry for being angry with him but that this is really important to you. Try to negotiate a timeline (and I’m thinking like 6 months, not 2 weeks). If he won’t do that, or doesn’t comply with it, say that you can’t live with the uncertainty any more and will be removing yourself. Then follow through with that and move on. Also, if you agree on a timeline DO NOT MENTION IT AGAIN until the time is up. 

Alternatively you could propose to him as others have said, but I think you’ve rejected that option.
Oh and also, do not dictate or mention ring cost at all. It’s simply not the point and makes you sound shallow (sorry, but it does). Just totally leave that out of it. I’m sure he already knows your opinions on that.

Post # 98
1593 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

sparkles1986:  I know right? I got engaged without a ring, just a ‘verbal engagement’. I guess I’d better go cancel that wedding booking.

Post # 99
228 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

This is the first time that I have ever heard about a specific amount of money a girl wants her boyfriend to spend on a ring and then gets frustrated when he does not propose. I know many women pick out their rings but I didn’t think they just gave a budget. Maybe I misread. I am not trying to sound mean or look down on you, I’m just confused!

Maybe he is not only saving up for the ring but for the proposal! You love him and you have been together for four years. I know that you are tired of waiting, so give him a time frame that he has until to propose or at least give you a definite answer. I agree with the otger bees, during this time do not even mention a ring or anything marriage related! After that you two can take a break from each other (if there was no progress) to reevaluate your relationship, think about where is it going and what is important to you both. Come back together and see if that helps!

Many people have a negative relation with the “break” but it might just be time a part that makes the two of you come closer together.

Post # 100
199 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016


im not sure I necessarily agree with this sentiment. Probably because it’s very different to my own personal experience. 

My husband and I had been together for 5 years when he popped the question. we were 29 and 30 when he proposed after living together for 4 years. I know he adored me and wanted to spend his life with me; my husband wanted to make sure that he had his shit together before we got married. We are now very happily married, we own a beautiful 4 bedroom house, we have a beautiful puppy, we both have excellent and lucrative careers and have travelled the world together so have a whole host of wonderful memories. In his mind, marriage meant children so we needed to be in a position to become parents (and I’m not just talking financially; we’ve had a beautiful relationship and some wonderful experiences together; now it feels like we are ready to move into the next chapter) 

OP could it be that your OH is of a similar school of thought? 

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