(Closed) Waiting is making me feel worthless and causing me to question everything :(

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
502 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
perpetualsecondguesser :  I’m sorry. I wasted a year with a narcissist that basically made empty promises up front, manipulated me and would’ve kept doing it if I didn’t leave. You deserve somone who will want to marry you as much as YOU want to marry him. Someone special who can’t wait to put the ring on your finger. 

I get mad at these posts because it brings back awful memories of me putting all my faith into a loser who NEVER had any real intention of marrying me. I made a plan and after a year I left and never looked back. Best decision I ever made. 

Post # 17
Member
1490 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

View original reply
futurebrideesq :  “you’re nagging me too much, you’re putting too much pressure on me, I was going to propose but now you ruined it, once you stop talking about it I’ll do it”

Yep.  Agreed.  This is classic “gaslighting” behavior.  

Post # 18
Member
502 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
camenae :  This man is a classic NARCISSIST. She needs a lot of support and she needs to RUN!

Post # 19
Member
893 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

View original reply
perpetualsecondguesser :  Imagine how great it would be to find a guy who couldn’t WAIT to marry you!  I waited a LOOOOOOONG time for my husband, but when we got together we knew within 2 months that it was forever, and we got married 9 months later.  He couldn’t WAIT to propose.  We picked out the ring together, it came in, he gave it to me that night, we planned a wedding.  

Obviously my timeline isn’t everyone’s timeline.  But the sentiment should be the same.

Post # 20
Member
7558 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I am just SO afraid of nagging him and annoying him about it by bringing it up yet again.  What if he’s so put off by the nagging that he decides to put things on hold because I won’t stop bothering him about it?

OP, if his decision to marry you or not hinges on something as minor as you nagging him a few times about a proposal, then he is not the one for you anyway.

I get that it is scary to have these conversations…I’ve been there and almost peed my pants with nerves the first time I brought up the topic with my now-fiance. However, it has to be done.

I would say to him, “I need to know what you’re thoughts are about the future of our relationship. I have told you marriage is important to me, and I know you sometimes joke about getting a ring, but I need to know if this is something you’re actually serious about. If you’re NOT ready to marry me, then I need you to be honest with me about that too.”

Post # 23
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
Speck_ :  
View original reply
Daisy_Mae :  +1 000 000

Soooooooooooo frustrated by all these guys who fixate on it being a ‘surprise’. Dear Ass Dragging Dudes: When you wait too long you FORFEIT the right to expect the woman to somehow- after years together, after discussing marriage, often after living together or in some cases even having kids together…..somehow the woman is supposed to be gob-fucking-smacked shocked off her ass by your ‘out of the blue’ (eyeroll) proposal. And this surprise factor is so all-consuming important to you that you’re willing to leave the woman you love in unhappy lilmbo waiting for it – but not able to talk about it, lest she burst the bubble of the surprise illusion- just so you can emotionally manipulate the situation. 

Don’t worry about nagging or pressuring him Bee, you have the right to a say in your own future. If he wants it to be a surprise he can at the very least give you a reasonable deadline – ie ‘within 3 months’ ‘within 6 months’ etc. That gives him an entire timeframe in which to plan the details of the proposal. That’s more than a fair compromise and if he won’t meet you even halfway on this, it doesn’t bode wll for his willingness to discuss and compromise in your relationship, even if he does end up proposing. 

Post # 25
Member
1490 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

View original reply
tiffanybruiser :  I agree with so many of your posts, this one included.  OP, you should just say to your boyfriend what Tiffany suggested, verbatim.  

If his response is anything along the lines of “stop nagging me”, LEAVE NOW you’re not ever going to get younger than 34.  

Post # 26
Member
893 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

View original reply
perpetualsecondguesser :  I’m really not trying to make you feel bad or anything like that – I’m just saying that relationships like that do exist!  I didn’t meet my H til I was 37 and he was 40.  I had sincerely given up hope.  Then one night I’m at my local bar (just came from the gym, showered but no makeup, sweaty ponytail hair) to hang with my friend who was bartending, and BOOM.  I meet this guy.  11 months and 6 days later we’re married.

That guy is out there for you!!!!  The guy who won’t make you feel uncertain or insecure.  Now go and find him!  🙂 

Post # 27
Member
7558 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

View original reply
perpetualsecondguesser : Don’t worry, your post made it clear that you were worried about him getting mad at your “nagging,” not that he had actually gotten mad about it yet. I don’t think anyone is misreading that.

The point is, this is not a valid thing to be worried about, if you actually follow it to it’s logical conclusion. IF your guy does get mad at the “nagging” and “decide” not to marry you because of it, then he’s a jackass and he was never gonna marry you in the first place. Do you really want to be with a person so flaky that he’s on the verge of popping the question, and then something as inconsequential as you asking “hey I just wanted to check in about our timeline for getting engaged” prompts him to have a hissy fit and change his mind about this major life decision?

Post # 29
Member
1469 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
Kikibear :  Sooooo sick of this blame game on women of living with partners and buying property before engagement.

News flash: It makes zero difference. Relationships break down even after engagement or marriage. 

Find another scapegoat, this one is boring. 

Post # 30
Member
893 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

View original reply
littlebuzz :  Oh for sure relationships break down at lots of different stages.  But anecdotally, we do see and hear about a LOT of relationships on these very boards and in real life where getting engaged/married is delayed because the guy is happy “playing house.”  Of course there are plenty of people who DO get engaged quickly after moving in together, but OP is not one of them and she’s unhappy about it.

 

The topic ‘Waiting is making me feel worthless and causing me to question everything :(’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors