(Closed) Waiting is making me feel worthless and causing me to question everything :(

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Member
387 posts
Helper bee

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perpetualsecondguesser :  I can have a lot of anxiety if I build something up in my head. Take for instance asking a question in class, I think about the question so much that it starts to sound dumb and then I’m afraid of sounding dumb, then I’m trying to figure out when a good time is to ask a question, is now too late, what if i can’t word it properly, then I think of different ways to say it, then I miss my chance to answer but I’m flushed and my heart is beating a mile a minute because I just worked myself up about somehing really trivial. 

What helps me is to write something out and practice it a few times so I am fully prepared with what I want to say. Sometimes I even make questions up that I think the other person might ask just so I’m prepared with answers. Something so that a this doesn’t happen:

Me: “Marriage is really important to me and I really want create some sort of timeline that we both agree on.” 
Him: “Okay, what are you thinking time-wise?”
Me: *in my head* oh god I never got this far in my imaginary conversation, what do I say, oh god* 
Also me: “Uh, you know whenever is good for you.”

Take some time to think for yourself, too. Do you want children by a certain age? Make sure to bring that up. Do you want to raise children in a different area than where you’re living now? Bring that up too. Figure out your important points and practice them so you’re prepared during the conversation. 

Post # 32
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I can hear the pain and concern coming through your post and I’m so sorry you’re going through this.  And yes, buying a house with him was a bad idea. But moving on…

Step 1. Can you make a list of what you want in your life in the next 5 years? Where do you see yourself? Are you married? Children? Is he the husband/father? Figure out what YOU want. What your vision is. Get extremely clear on what you want. What is non-negotiable for you.

Step 2.  Take a walk together or go out for coffee at a nice quiet cafe.. some place away from this shared home, someplace neutral, where you can focus on each other, where neither of you can get overly emotional. Then bring out the list. Show him where you see yourself in 5 years. 

Step 3. Ask him what his 5 year plan is. Does it match yours? Is it close?

In your discussion, be Calm but Firm. No tears. No tantrums.

 Let him know you no longer want to be SURPRISED. You want to plan this all out together. You want to go Ring shopping together, you want to pick a wedding venue and a caterer together. You want to come up with a guest list together. If he feels this gigantic pressure to create the biggest ‘shock and awe’ engagement proposal, tell him he’s off the hook ….you’re looking for something simple but sweet. You dont need unicorns and fairies. You need peace of mind and security.

Step 4. Give him a deadline to make this engagement happen. Dont worry about the ‘pressure’ on him. He is a big boy. He can handle it. And either you two are ‘the one’ for each other, or you’re not.

Step 5. If he dosent come through: Be prepared to dis-engage from this relationship OR decide to stay, get on his timeline and wait some more to see if he ‘comes around’ and proposes in another 5 years.

Step 6: If he does come through: Get busy! you two have a wedding to plan : )

In my opinion, Surprises are over rated. Communication and Transparency…. that’s hot!!

Post # 33
Member
1469 posts
Bumble bee

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Kikibear :  we see and hear a lot of them because the majority of people live together before engagement – correlation does not imply causation.

We don’t have any evidence at all that he is just happy playing house and has ‘no incentive’ (and I swear if I hear that phrase one more time I’ll vomit). We don’t know anything about the guy. 

I would no way ever in hell have gotten engaged without living with my partner for a year at least. That doesn’t make me ‘just happy playing house’, that means that was the way I wanted to do things and it had nothing to do with how I felt about my Fiance  

I’m really happy for you that you’ve had such a seemingly charmed relationship and engagement, and I hope it continues, but it’s just not realistic to think this is the way the majority of couples operate – it isn’t, and it doesn’t make your relationship better than any one else’s.

 

Post # 34
Member
910 posts
Busy bee

I was in the same boat as you a few months ago before my SO proposed. Ask him for a timeline and when he thinks it will happen. Also, make sure its within a reasonable timeframe. If not, set a date to move out. You don’t have to share it with him. I am not sure if you want children, etc, but you cant waste anymore time if he is not going to get serious. He asked you to get your ring size. I would get it. It takes less than 10 minutes and any jeweler in the mall can do it for you. This way he has no excuses for why he is waiting. and as for the surprise factor, I wasn’t really surprised because he had given me a timeframe. I knew it was coming. It was still a special moment and didnt take away from our excitement of getting married. I hope this helps! Good luck bee!

Post # 36
Member
2344 posts
Buzzing bee

1.) You anxiety is DEFINITELY affecting your ability to recognize your self-worth and come from a place of assertiveness.

2.) Tell your anxiety to seriously just go stuff itself for at LEAST one day so you can talk to this man with confidence in your own vision for your own life.

3.) This is not “nagging.” Nagging is a label that men can apply to any and every single thing that comes out of a woman’s mouth to justify not listening to her – it’s called GASLIGHTING. And it sounds like you have some internalized sexism and you are saving him the work of gaslighting you and are instead just doing it to yourself. (Damn anxiety!!)

4.) He 100% has no right to take talking about the actual proposal off the table. You get to have an equal say in this. Why is his desire to have it be a surprise being given more weight in the relationship than YOUR desire (need!) to have a timeline??

5.) I am 31 – my relationship rule is that things need to be steadily progressing, or I’m out, and I told my current SO that from the get-go.

I just said, “no matter how much I love the person, if we aren’t steadily progressing toward the goals *I* have for *MY* life, then clearly we don’t want the same things, aren’t compatible in that way, and should part ways.”

And we have been steadily progressing. I make myself an equal partner, I make sure he is aware of my needs (in a non-emotional, non-confrontational way) and how to make me happy. At 5 months, we vaguely discussed kids, at 6-7, we discussed wanting to be married (where, what season, etc), at 8 months he asked me to move in, and his current roommate will be moved out at 11 months. I will most DEFINITELY be a) keeping savings so that I don’t feel “trapped” after moving in, b) continue checking in every few months or so until he has suggested a firm timeline for proposal, c) ABSOLUTELY be moving back out if there is no firm timeline in place by the 1.5 year mark. I won’t play house with a man.

I will either date you or be steadily moving towards becoming your wife, with equal say in the matter of when that will happen. There is no in-between for me at my age. 

6.) At this point in our lives as women, if we want to have children, we HAVE to take the reigns, be assertive, make our needs and our timelines known and know whether our partner is on the same page and wants to help make our life goals happen for us or not. Your SO is currently choosing selfishness and feet-dragging over enthusiastically showing up for you as he should. Only you can decide how much of that you can put up with, but it sounds like you are at the end of your rope.

7.) Honestly, it sounds a little like he may be taking advantage of the fact that you suffer from anxiety. It sounds like your anxiety helps him to remain in a position of control and authority because of your self-doubt. You NEED to know if that’s what’s going on. You need to start setting some boundaries and creating and communicating your expectations. 

As PP have said, this is YOUR life, the only one you get, and YOU get to decide what happens. You are not powerless here. Don’t let him make you think you are. 

Post # 37
Member
1287 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2018 - Omaha, NE

The proposal being a surprise has NOTHING to do with talking about the ring, the timeline, the budget, the preferences, etc. I picked out my own ring and my SO is currently saving for it (and giving me updates on his progress!) and he is planning on doing a surprise proposal. He talks about it excitedly, including being happy that he gets to surprise me.

Refusing to talk about any of it to preserve the “surprise” of the final step is just a diversionary tactic. He’s not interested in having a serious talk about any of the details of a proposal because he’s not interested in proposing. Sorry bee ๐Ÿ™

Post # 38
Member
5154 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

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littlebuzz :  “We don’t have any evidence at all that he is just happy playing house and has ‘no incentive’ (and I swear if I hear that phrase one more time I’ll vomit).” and “that doesn’t make me ‘just happy playing house’, that means that was the way I wanted to do things and it had nothing to do with how I felt about my Fiance

Yes, thank you. I am getting so tired of seeing this “blaming the woman” thing over and over again for moving in/owning property, or referring to living together as “playing house”. No, it is called living together. There is no “playing”. I lived with my husband before we were engaged. We still got engaged (within months after moving in), married (a little over 14 months after our first date), and have been married for several years. I would not change a thing about it. I also would not spend my time with a man who thought living together was an “incentive” to get married (or living together was a lack of incentive).  So damn archaic. 

 

Post # 39
Member
5154 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

A “surprise” proposal is overrated. You are not a child being surprised by a birthday party, you are a woman in her 30s and this is about a decision to marry. Also, why is he holding onto this “surprise” element so much when (if) he knows it is causing you so much stress and anxiety.

Mature couples talk about their wants, needs, expectations. In a healthy, respectful relationship; they don’t worry that communicating in a respectful manner will be taken as “nagging” and cause their partner to do the opposite of what they hope for just to make a point. If you trust this man, if you truly see him as your life partner, sit down and talk to him. And if he sees you as his life partner, he ought to be able to listen, and talk respectfully and without dismissing how you feel (or telling you the topic is off the table because “surprise”).  

I know it is easier said than done, but tell your anxiety to sit down and shut up so you can be an equal partner in this relationship, not someone just going along for whatever ride he chooses.

Post # 40
Member
1469 posts
Bumble bee

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RayKay :  exactly! Imagine marrying someone who proposed just because there was no other way they’d get you to ‘play house’. What a great partner that sounds like. 

Post # 41
Member
893 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

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littlebuzz :  My relationship isn’t “charmed” and I’m not better than anyone else.  I did not mean to come across that way.  I spent most of my life thinking I was way WAY less good than anyone else because I had so few romantic relationships.  I guess that’s why it was really special to meet a guy who couldn’t wait to marry me.  I want everyone to feel that way!

If people want to live together that’s fine!  You do you. 

People have different opinions and I was just expressing mine.

Post # 42
Member
893 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

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littlebuzz :  I don’t think that every man proposes just so they can live together.

Post # 44
Member
893 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

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perpetualsecondguesser :  I think it sounds great!!!  I think the only thing all of us want is for you to be an equal and active participant in your own relationship, and it sounds like you have some good ideas there ๐Ÿ™‚

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