Post # 46
This is the same situation we (my now husband and I) were in, sorry I haven’t read all the replies.
We (mostly he) decided to purchase a home about 1 1/2 years after we were together. At about 2 1/2 years, after much waiting, I told him either were getting married or we aren’t. Tell me now so I can stop wasting my time, as much as I want to be with you. He took me ring shopping and proposed less than two months later. That’s that. Don’t be afraid of the outcome because if he’s serious he will do it and if he isn’t then he won’t. It’s been six years now.
Post # 47
no, and I don’t mean to pick on you specifically. It’s just an opinion that gets my back up time and time again, no matter who it’s from!
I am genuinely glad you found someone who couldn’t wait to marry you. I guess I’m just trying to show the other side of the coin and that it’s not automatically filled with bad news.
Post # 48
Look, this debate over “playing house” is ridiculous. Yes, it’s an archaic, sexist dynamic, but we DO operate in a world that is STILL dominated by the patriarchy. So whether we like it or not, our actions are still subect to playing into archaic dynamics. Especially if archaic mindsets are involved. Some men (many men?) can and will and, as we have seen on this board, DO trick women into “playing house” as a step toward commitment when really they have no intentions of proposing. Moving in with a man emotionally unprepared for this eventuality can be shattering for a woman. A woman who wants commitment wants a family life, so she is likely going to move in and start trying to make that happen.
She will get incredibly emotionally invested and start envisioning the future and kids (if they want them) etc. We have seen that play out on this board innumerable times, yet somehow people still get their feathers in a ruffle if posters refer to the phenomenon of “playing house” with THAT EXACT dynamic in mind.
I am not referring to living together in general as playing house. I am referring to that dynamic where the guy uses it to trick the woman into staying in a relationship with no commitment in sight. And, unfortunately, as much as we would all like to think we know our SO’s true intentions and can trust them, we see all too often that women who THOUGHT they KNEW their SO’s intentions — in the end didn’t.
So just because things worked out for you doesn’t mean you need to bristle every time someone gets a warning that this could be happening to them. Just because it didn’t happen to YOU doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.
I don’t consider just living with a partner with whom you are an equal playing house. You’re moving toward a common goal. But if such and such time passes and he starts delaying and making excuses, or if you AREN’T an equal partner, then yeah, you just MIGHT be falling for the trick of “playing house.”
Post # 49
I think your idea of giving it to December is a good one- ditto the little nest egg that can be used either way. You don’t want to invest an indefinite time only to have your resentment and unhappiness grow and end up feeling misled, but neither do you want to act rashly only to be left with regrets, wondering what could have been. By giving it until September, or possibly an extension until December, you’ll either be engaged or at least you’ll know you truly did give it every chance to work out.
p.s. I wish guys who procrastinate, wait too long, fixate on it being a surprise etc could read these boards and see the true cost of waiting. That the women they love, the women who want to marry them, if they wait too long….the happy hopefullness of early waiting slowly becomes a sad and painful uncertainty, to the point that some are planning an exit strategy if promises aren’t kept
I’m refering to the Waiting boards in general OP, not you specifically. And I certainly don’t fault you for having an exit strategy just in case (I’m engaged now, but it reached the point where I had one)
Post # 50
- Wedding: August 2017 - Combermere Abbey
Time and time again, this problem comes up. WHY ARE MEN SO OBSSESSED WITH THE ‘SURPRISE’?!?! It infuriates me.
I am only going to reiterate what has already been said. You need to take charge of your life. Are you going to be a passive participant to all important future discussions in your relationship as well? – kids, house, money, retirement, sex, etc. NO! Do not set this awful precendent. If he says he doesn’t want to discuss it again because of la dee da the SURPRISE then tell him in the most firm, unemotional way, that you are going to have to put yourself as number 1 again and if there is no engagement by X date then you must do what is best for you even if that means leaving.
Post # 51
I also don’t get the fixation on “the surprise”. It’s 2016. When 2 adults make the decision that they wish to legally (and spiritually) bond, it should be a joint decision and it shouldn’t come as a surprise to either of them. We’re not 9 year olds who are going to pee their pants with excitement at a surprise “Frozen themed” birthday party.
I personally am of the mindset that when 2 adults agree they’re going to get married, they’re effectively engaged. Without a ring. Without a flashmob. Without a surprise proposal in front of their family and friends.
Unless you want a formal proposal, have you considered explaining to him how much stress this is causing, that it’s making you feel like you’re being gaslighted, and suggest the 2 of you simply take a Saturday afternoon to go ring shopping?
I also don’t understand why a guy’s hypothetical desire for a surprise proposal (which may involve making the girl feel strung along for months or years) is supposed to outrank her desire to not feel strung along. It creates a power imbalance, and you cannot have a healthy relationship when there’s that kind of imbalance.
Post # 52
Boy, I wish they would look at this thread too. 10 years ago, I didn’t understand those women who were hungry for a ring. I thought they were a little pathetic in their eagerness. Karma is a real B, because now I
am one of those impatient women and MAN does it hurt.
I hate the idea of having to have an exit strategy and I think my boyfriend would be extremely hurt if he knew, not that I’m going to tell him! But it’s a self-preservation thing and it somehow makes me feel a little less anxious to know I at least have a plan. I have been torturing myself over this for months and I can’t take much more of the daily, hourly “why” and “why nots”. I wish I could be one of those girls who is confident and chilled out about these things, but that’s just not me.
You phrased that well, too – I did have wonderful happy hopefulness at first but it has eroded with each passing month to the point where it’s pretty much gone. I have gone from a “Maybe today is the day” mindset to “What is the mystery reason he hasn’t done it yet?” At my lowest points, I feel like the real surprise will be not when it happens, but whether it happens at all.
Post # 53
“We’re not 9 year olds who are going to pee their pants with excitement at a surprise “Frozen themed” birthday party.”
Bwahah thank you for making me laugh through this pain (which is basically a giant panic attack at this point!) Joking aside, your viewpoint and advice is sound and I couldn’t agree more. I do feel this is a power imbalance (albeit an unintentional one) and you verbalized it better than I could have. I will be bringing that up during my discussion for sure – that is the most disconcerting part of it this situation for me, but somehow it was SO disconcerting that I couldn’t quite put it into words. Thanks for doing that for me!
Post # 54
I’ve been there sweetie ((((hugs))))
Post # 55
you said somewhere in this post that your SO has seen you at your worst with your anxiety and hasn’t run screaming from you. It made me think that if he knows and has seen first hand how anxiety plays out with you, why would he want the proposal to be a complete surprise???
You have come and posted on this board and I am certain that your anxiety levels are high and would be manifesting IRL and as much as you may have been trying to hide it I’m sure they should/would be obvious to your SO. Why is he not seeing it or asking you what’s going on? You need to sit down and have an honest and open conversation. You need to tell him what you want and need from this relationship and he needs to do the same to you. You guys also need to discuss how he can support you and help you with your anxiety issues and how not to add to them.
Your needs and wants are just as important as his. If he can’t give you what you need in this relationship then you need to walk away. I always say that eternal factors in your life cause stress and anxiety. Your relationship never should. Your relationship should be one place that you can take shelter and comfort in when everything else in your life is behaving like shit hitting a fan.
Good luck bee. I hope everything works out for you and you end up back here posting wedding recap photos here in 18 months time. xx
Post # 56
UPDATE for you lovely bees!
I talked to my boyfriend yesterday about my fears and to check in on our timeline. I was nervous but it had to be done, and it all went fine. 🙂 He did not forget about our timeline and he says he has been planning the proposal all summer. He told me that to him, in the grand scheme of things we hadn’t waited THAT long, as we have the rest of our lives together. I see where he’s coming from, though I said we’d have to agree to disagree that the waiting game is an entirely different experience for women than it is for men! After a little discussion we both laughed about it and he now understands where I’m coming from.
He also said that since we had never lived together before buying our house, he wanted to give that some time for us to get settled in and used to things and to each other, and also to recover financially as that was a big expense. I completely see his point – we adore each other but we both practical and to be honest, I wouldn’t want to get engaged to someone I had never lived with, either!
Soooo, I am going to find out my ring size tomorrow so that I can report it back to him. And then, sometime between now and September, there will be a proposal. 🙂
Thanks again for all of your kind words and your help and reassurance. You gave me the confidence and clarify I needed to see that my anxieties were not totally illogical, and you also reminded me that my needs and wants have worth too (something I struggle with sometimes).
Post # 57
Bee I’m so glad you updated us! Excited to hear that the convo went well and you are both on the same page!
Can’t wait to hear all about the proposal when it happens! 🙂
Post # 58
Such a great update, I’m glad you had a candid talk with him & ‘by September’ sounds really reasonable. Sometimes guys don’t see waiting as a cause for angst because they’re the ones doing the planning 🙂
Post # 59
I mean this with all kindness and sincerity…I hope he wasn’t blowing you smoke and mirrors. I hope he does propose. Good luck 🙂
Post # 60
I am certain he was not – thank you 🙂 🙂