(Closed) Waiting is making me feel worthless and causing me to question everything :(

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 46
Member
44 posts
Newbee

This is the same situation we (my now husband and I) were in, sorry I haven’t read all the replies.

Β 

We (mostly he) decided to purchase a home about 1 1/2 years after we were together. At about 2 1/2 years, after much waiting, I told him either were getting married or we aren’t. Tell me now so I can stop wasting my time, as much as I want to be with you. He took me ring shopping and proposed less than two months later. That’s that. Don’t be afraid of the outcome because if he’s serious he will do it and if he isn’t then he won’t. It’s been six years now.Β 

Post # 47
Member
1457 posts
Bumble bee

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Kikibear :  no, and I don’t mean to pick on you specifically. It’s just an opinion that gets my back up time and time again, no matter who it’s from! 

I am genuinely glad you found someone who couldn’t wait to marry you. I guess I’m just trying to show the other side of the coin and that it’s not automatically filled with bad news.

Post # 48
Member
2365 posts
Buzzing bee

Look, this debate over “playing house” is ridiculous. Yes, it’s an archaic, sexist dynamic, but we DO operate in a world that is STILL dominated by the patriarchy. So whether we like it or not, our actions are still subect to playing into archaic dynamics. Especially if archaic mindsets are involved. Some men (many men?) can and will and, as we have seen on this board, DO trick women into “playing house” as a step toward commitment when really they have no intentions of proposing. Moving in with a man emotionally unprepared for this eventuality can be shattering for a woman. A woman who wants commitment wants a family life, so she is likely going to move in and start trying to make that happen. 

She will get incredibly emotionally invested and start envisioning the future and kids (if they want them) etc. We have seen that play out on this board innumerable times, yet somehow people still get their feathers in a ruffle if posters refer to the phenomenon of “playing house” with THAT EXACT dynamic in mind. 

I am not referring to living together in general as playing house. I am referring to that dynamic where the guy uses it to trick the woman into staying in a relationship with no commitment in sight. And, unfortunately, as much as we would all like to think we  know our SO’s true intentions and can trust them, we see all too often that women who THOUGHT they KNEW their SO’s intentions — in the end didn’t.

So just because things worked out for you doesn’t mean you need to bristle every time someone gets a warning that this could be happening to them. Just because it didn’t happen to YOU doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. 

I don’t consider just living with a partner with whom you are an equal playing house. You’re moving toward a common goal. But if such and such time passes and he starts delaying and making excuses, or if you AREN’T an equal partner, then yeah, you just MIGHT be falling for the trick of “playing house.”

Post # 49
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

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perpetualsecondguesser :  I think your idea of giving it to December is a good one- ditto the little nest egg that can be used either way. You don’t want to invest an indefinite time only to have your resentment and unhappiness grow and end up feeling misled, but neither do you want to act rashly only to be left with regrets, wondering what could have been. By giving it until September, or possibly an extension until December, you’ll either be engaged or at least you’ll know you truly did give it every chance to work out. 

p.s. I wish guys who procrastinate, wait too long, fixate on it being a surprise etc could read these boards and see the true cost of waiting. That the women they love, the women who want to marry them, if they wait too long….the happy hopefullness of early waiting slowly becomes a sad and painful uncertainty, to the point that some are planning an exit strategy if promises aren’t kept  

I’m refering to the Waiting boards in general OP, not you specifically. And I certainly don’t fault you for having an exit strategy just in case (I’m engaged now, but it reached the point where I had one)

Post # 50
Member
348 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017 - Combermere Abbey

Time and time again, this problem comes up. WHY ARE MEN SO OBSSESSED WITH THE ‘SURPRISE’?!?! It infuriates me. 

 

I am only going to reiterate what has already been said. You need to take charge of your life. Are you going to be a passive participant to all important future discussions in your relationship as well? – kids, house, money, retirement, sex, etc. NO! Do not set this awful precendent. If he says he doesn’t want to discuss it again because of la dee da the SURPRISE then tell him in the most firm, unemotional way, that you are going to have to put yourself as number 1 again and if there is no engagement by X date then you must do what is best for you even if that means leaving.

 

BYE FELICA. 

Post # 51
Member
3000 posts
Sugar bee

I also don’t get the fixation on “the surprise”.  It’s 2016.  When 2 adults make the decision that they wish to legally (and spiritually) bond, it should be a joint decision and it shouldn’t come as a surprise to either of them.  We’re not 9 year olds who are going to pee their pants with excitement at a surprise “Frozen themed” birthday party.  

I personally am of the mindset that when 2 adults agree they’re going to get married, they’re effectively engaged. Without a ring. Without a flashmob. Without a surprise proposal in front of their family and friends.  

Unless you want a formal proposal, have you considered explaining to him how much stress this is causing, that it’s making you feel like you’re being gaslighted, and suggest the 2 of you simply take a Saturday afternoon to go ring shopping?  

I also don’t understand why a guy’s hypothetical desire for a surprise proposal (which may involve making the girl feel strung along for months or years) is supposed to outrank her desire to not feel strung along.  It creates a power imbalance, and you cannot have a healthy relationship when there’s that kind of imbalance. 

Post # 55
Member
4763 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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perpetualsecondguesser :  you said somewhere in this post that your SO has seen you at your worst with your anxiety and hasn’t run screaming from you. It made me think that if he knows and has seen first hand how anxiety plays out with you, why would he want the proposal to be a complete surprise???

You have come and posted on this board and I am certain that your anxiety levels are high and would be manifesting IRL and as much as you may have been trying to hide it I’m sure they should/would be obvious to your SO. Why is he not seeing it or asking you what’s going on? You need to sit down and have an honest and open conversation. You need to tell him what you want and need from this relationship and he needs to do the same to you. You guys also need to discuss how he can support you and help you with your anxiety issues and how not to add to them. 

Your needs and wants are just as  important as his. If he can’t give you what you need in this relationship then you need to walk away. I always say that eternal factors in your life cause stress and anxiety. Your relationship never should. Your relationship should be one  place that you can take shelter and comfort in when everything else in your life is behaving like shit hitting a fan.

Good luck bee. I hope everything works out for you and you end up back here posting wedding recap photos here in 18 months time. xx

Post # 57
Member
202 posts
Helper bee

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perpetualsecondguesser :  Bee I’m so glad you updated us! Excited to hear that the convo went well and you are both on the same page! 

Can’t wait to hear all about the proposal when it happens! πŸ™‚

Post # 58
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

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perpetualsecondguesser :  Such a great update, I’m glad you had a candid talk with him & ‘by September’ sounds really reasonable. Sometimes guys don’t see waiting as a cause for angst because they’re the ones doing the planning πŸ™‚

Post # 59
Member
2539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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perpetualsecondguesser :  I mean this with all kindness and sincerity…I hope he wasn’t blowing you smoke and mirrors. I hope he does propose. Good luck πŸ™‚

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