Post # 1
Hi everyone – my boyfriend and I have been together almost 6 years and lived together for a year and a half. I am 25 years old.
I recently had a discussion with him regarding marriage. I found out that he thinks marriage is stupid, but said he would do it for me. However, he is nowhere near ready. I was ready awhile ago. He said it would happen eventually. He suggested end of 2020. Originally he said he wanted 5 years, so this was his idea of compromising. I really do not want to wait that long. I am losing sleep and feel depressed about this as I know there is nothing I can really do. He reassures me that it will happen, but gave me a list of reasons why he is not ready: I have severe depression and anxiety and he wants me to work on getting it under control, wants to focus on working out, and spending time with friends. Honestly, his reasons really concerned me. I really do not know what to do and I would really appreciate some advice. Thank you so much.
Post # 2
How would you feel if end of 2020 comes around and he says he still thinks marriage is stupid and won’t be ready for a few years? Be prepared for that…
Honestly I don’t think he wants to get married and is stalling because he doesn’t necessarily want to break up. End of 2020 is still far enough away for him that he doesn’t have to think about it but it’s close enough that it shuts you up in the meantime. Saying marriage is stupid is a very immature comment. I’d be afraid of getting trapped into losing many years all for nothing…who knows he might come around and it all be good but we have no way of knowing…sorry harsh but true…
ETA: I suggest you spend some time reading other stories on the waiting board, many men set dates and don’t follow through…
Post # 3
My heart goes out to you, Bee. When I read your post it sounds like everything is on his terms. I am an advocate for “he has verbalized that he is not ready” and, in turn, you cannot force his hand… but with that knowledge you must now work through and define your feelings. What is acceptable? What is unacceptable? As PP has stated, the end of 2020 could come and it could go with no proposal. How will you feel under these circumstances?
Post # 4
frustrated88 : you’re giving away all your 20s, acting like wifey without any real commitment from him. You *know* he is the one. If he truly knew you are “the one”, you would at least be engaged! Talk is cheap. He is throwing out possible future years to commit just to placate you, keep you where you are now because it’s comfortable for him. He’s *hoping* he will be willing to marry you someday, but he obviously doesn’t know for sure… I would be moving myself out today….
Post # 5
Sorry bee but if you want marriage and he “thinks marriage is stupid” then you’re incompatible in a fundamental way. Idk about you but I wouldn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want the same things, even if he said he would get married to make you happy- that’s a recipe for resentment and it won’t feel good even if he does come around and propose.
If you’re already frustrated now it’s only get to get worse and it will take a toll on your relationship. You can only wait for so long before you become bitter and resentful of him and by then it’s pretty much over anyway. I know it isn’t what you wanted to hear but you’re much better off just moving on now…it totally sucks but if you want marriage and happiness and even kids, you’re only delaying your own happiness. And life is too short. Good luck
Post # 6
frustrated88 : A lot of what you said is similar to my situation- I too struggle with anxiety and depression and found myself deeply burdened by this at the end of this past year. I just recently snapped out of it after having a few conversations with my boyfriend about getting engaged.
While I have sent my Boyfriend or Best Friend fully designed ring options, have gotten a timeline of first half of this year and do trust that it will happen, I’ve decided that if it doesn’t by the time we need to renew our lease, I will move out. Not break up, but move out.
The reason for this is I believe living with my Boyfriend or Best Friend has cancelled any sense of urgency toward the next step. We’ve been together going on 7 years and he has become used to all that I do for him. Maybe this could be a good idea for your situation? I would be devastated if it came to that point for me, so I understand not wanting to do it, but I think it would be necessary in determining the fate of the relationship at hand.
Ps. This isn’t something my boyfriend knows about as I don’t want to threaten him and damage our relationship. For me, I would not disclose my decision until I absolutely knew there was no proposal coming.
Post # 7
Someone who thinks “marriage is stupid” is either:
1. never going to propose (even if he threw out a far off date in 2020)
2. going to propose under duress (do you REALLY want to beg someone to marry you?)
3. has not yet found the woman he does want to marry (sorry, harsh but true)
You’re 25, have been dating 6 years, and are ready to get married. It stinks to realize it’s not going to turn out the way you want but I don’t think you really have a choice but to move out and break up. Or else in 2020 when you’re 27, you’re going to be back on WeddingBee saying your Boyfriend or Best Friend just pushed out the proposal date to 2022 because he’s still not ready.
PS- let this be your lesson learned that you should never move in with someone without discussing marriage first. He probably would have told you marriage is stupid a year and a half ago, too.
Post # 8
Part of the problem is you waited six years to have this conversation. I understand you were young when you started dating, but once a couple of years had passed you should have had some sort of discussion about where you saw your relationship going.
Post # 9
My fiancé and I recently became engaged after 5 years of dating. The difference is he started discussing marriage after the first two years of dating. He’s always said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, and never gave me a checklist of self-improvement tasks I had to complete before he would propose; he loves me for me. From personal past experience, it sounds to me like your boyfriend is making excuses to not propose. Part of your anxiety and depression could come from your not knowing where you stand with him. It sounds as though you would be healthier and happier if you moved on. I’ve been in relationships where I was told something similar. Looking back, I thank my lucky stars I moved on, and eventually found my soulmate. I promise you will too. It’s hard now, but you will thank yourself later.
Post # 10
bearinabeecostume : “Looking back, I thank my lucky stars I moved on, and eventually found my soulmate. I promise you will too. It’s hard now, but you will thank yourself later. “
I 100% second this. I tried to make a relationship work for 7 years, wanted to marry him so badly.
Looking back I am SOOO glad that relationship failed. He wasnt the one for me even though it felt that way at the time. He ended up meeting someone else and marrying a few years later. I was single for several years and doubting my worth when I met literally the *perfect* guy for me. He is my best friend and rock and hes so excited to marry me. We are partners and want all the same things. It all worked out for the best and I would have left my ex sooner had I known what I was missing out on.
Post # 11
He basically told you he doesn’t want to get married and thinks it is stupid. It doesn’t matter if his reasoning is he never wants to get married, or just doesnt’ want to marry you. Why he feels that way doesn’t matter. All that matters is he told you his truth. If you want marriage this isn’t the guy for you. Would you keep dating a guy who said he never wanted kids and you did? NO.
You are very young and you have plenty of time to find a guy who is the right fit for you. He has had 6 years with you. Think about all those wonderful memories with him and realize that NONE of those memories meant enough to him that it made him see you as the woman he wants to marry. Doesn’t that piss you off and tell you something?
Every time I was certain I wanted this guy or that guy and it didn’t work out, in time it always became clear that it didnt’ work out for a very good reason. This guy isn’t you only chance at love. Do not let fear make choices for you. You two simply aren’t compatible. You want things he doesn’t. Even if he did propose at some point, you know it isn’t what he really wants. Do you think that will feel good to you? looking at him across the aisle knowing he is marrying you but doesn’t really want to be? That would feel like garbage.
He told you how he felt about marriage, you stayed. He now thinks he “warned you”. I gurantee when you start asking him about the proposal and when it will happen etc, he will eventually bust out with that little gem. That he warned you he didnt’ believe in marriage and you stayed anyways.
Go find a man who is excited to marry you, who can’t wait to spend his life with you. He is out there.
Post # 12
frustrated88 : The depression/anxiety issues, I kind of get- how are you currently doing with managing them? I would not want to get married to someone if they weren’t making an effort to improve their mental health issues.
The other excuses are really lame though, he wants to focus on fitness and spending time with friends? You can do both of those things while engaged/married.
He’s already told you he thinks marriage is stupid, now he’s telling you what you want to hear- that it will happen. I would trust his original statement, if he truly changed his feelings towards marriage he would be taking the steps to get engaged and he would be excited about it.
Post # 13
mel2 : I am so happy you both found each other, and found your true love. Most of us date the wrong people until the right one comes along. Congratulations to you two. ♥️
Post # 14
mel2 : Congrats!
I do too believe you should never force anyone for anything,that’ll always come back at you. One day you guys will be arguing about the most trivial stuff and he’ll blurt out “I didn’t want to marry anyway, you forced me.” You’ll be devastated then.
Better be sorry now than later. Comfort factor in a relationship is the biggest problem imo. 6 years is a lot, buy you gotta think where you are headed to.
Post # 15
Thank you to everyone for the advice so far. I truly appreciate it. I feel as though I have no choice but to move on because I feel like I have already put on the pressure to get engaged. However, I am not going to lie, I am having an extremely hard time leaving I really think he is the one and believe him when he says it will happen. Ugh this is so tough, I can’t sleep or focus at work. I really appreciate the support this far.