Post # 1
I hope there are some of you out there that can relate to this, or just listen 🙂 I’ve been with my SO for 2 years and we have been serious for the beginning, talking about marriage and children and what we want in our future. We are both 31 and fully established in our careers, great families, etc. Basically nothing that would hold up an engagement or marriage – all green lights from life’s usual obstacles. BUT we are not engaged and it is killing me!
Last summer he said he thought we would probably get engaged of Xmas. That didnt happen and he said before my birthday…which was yesterday and nothing happened. I had a total melt down tonight, not angry or upset, just really really sad. We have a great relationship, I don’t know what he is waiting for and when I asked him about it, he said he needed to make that decision on his own and he just wasnt’ there yet, but he thought he would be “soon.” I’m terrifed that “soon” is going to be 5 years from now and this is a sign that I should be leaving and find someone who is actually ready for a full time commitment.
I am not someone who marriage is the ultimate goal in life, but I feel really stupid in this great relationship and it just seems to be completley stalled out. He gets upset whenever I bring up anything to do with weddings now because he feels pressured, but its my life too and I just want to stop feeling so helpless, like Im waiting on a guy to tell me what my future holds! It makes me feel completley out of control and unhappy and is starting to ruin a great relationship since so many nights are now spent with me upset and sad over this instead of happy about planning our future.
How do you all handle this? At what point do I need to decide this is maybe never going to happen and just move on 🙁
Post # 3
On one hand, the way that you’re behaving because of your anxiety to be engaged might be causing some resentment in him, thus further delaying his proposal.
On the other hand, it is your life, too, and the decision about when to get married shouldn’t be all his. Have you considered proposing to him?
Post # 4
he just sounds like he’s not ready
Post # 5
I think you need to sit down and sort through your thoughts and prep to have a timeline talk with him. The whole “I need to make the decision on my own” is a bull poop excuse, and if you aren’t ok with this being solely his decision (and it sounds like you aren’t), you should calmly let him know as much. It’ll go more smoothly if you have a well thought out timeline of your own that you can discuss with him, and you definitely want him to know this is a two-way conversation. Neither you nor he gets to make this kind of life-changing decision without the input of the other.
Post # 6
He’s given you expectations and then not met them… he shouldn’t have told you that in the first place. If he can’t make up his mind in the time he told you, that’s kind of shitty. You are entering your 30s and want to start a family soon, and he owes it to you to not waste your time. I would sit him down and talk about that.
Plus, he reeeeally jerked you around on the timeline, and that’s not okay. It sounds like this is a one-sided deal where he doesn’t have to stand up to what he’s promised and you’re left powerless.
I also would look at other parts of your relationship. Is it the waiting that’s ruining your relationship, or his attitude? Your interactions overall? The fact that he doesn’t seem to be thinking seriously about you?
Post # 7
If you are certain that he is ‘the one’ for you, and you think he is being sincere about wanting to get married in the near future, then I think you should give him a bit more time. Ideally, in every relationship, both parties would want to progress to the next stage at the same time. Obviously this doesn’t happen that often because everyone is different! As difficult as it is to wait (i’m also waiting!!), I don’t think it’s fair to decide that just because you’re ready that he has to be ready too. Maybe he is just taking a bit more time to get comfortable with moving towards engagement and marriage. It would be sad to call it quits now when maybe he’s just a couple weeks/months away from wanting the same thing you want.
Post # 8
he’s not being fair. Marriage is a mutual decision and for one person to leave the other hanging is just inconsiderate on his behalf.
I think what you need to do however, is sit him down and point blank tell him what YOUR goals are. Depending on your SO, you just may have to be more proactive.
I know for myself, it was babies before 30, and then of course once baby came I required a ring ASAP! We both knew and agreed we would get married, but he’s the kind of guy who drags his heels because he overthinks things. He had money saved (but in his mind not enough because he wanted to buy me a giant diamond). I told him I didn’t want a giant diamond, nor did I want to wait however long for him to save an insane amount of money. I picked a ring that I wanted within the budget, and we bought it together. Then of course the heel dragging to propose … basically to this day he complains that I ruined the proposal, because he wanted to do something super special and I was done waiting! So, I got my proposal and my ring, and at least I didn’t have to propose to him!!
Some guys just need a bit of a push. There’s a lot of pressure on them to do some fancy production with bling that costs a fortune. Some might get turned off or even intimidated by the entire thing, and then just stall. Especially guys for whom romance doesn’t come naturally!
I hope this is helpful. And good luck!! 🙂
Post # 9
I can only say what I have experienced and seen but if he is in his 30s and saying he is not ready when nothing in his life should be holding him back(he is financial stable, his friends are settled down, etc) then he is uncertain about you and has doubts about the girl and doesn’t know how to communicate that. Ask him what his doubts are and you may find the reason why he isn’t ready. You may be able to help him and work through it or at least get some answers.
Post # 10
I really appreaciate the comments. I hadn’t considered it from the perspective of just because I’m ready that he should be too. It is SO hard waiting, but I do want to be fair and I want him to be just as ready as me and I may need to respect that it will take him a little bit longer than me. It is his personality to take a looooong time to make any big decisions and he is very much an overanalyzer, whereas I’m more emotinal and impuslive (which is why we make a good team).
I think I have a very similar guy on my hands that you have! I don’t want to drag him to the altar, but I also think he does need a little bit of a push sometimes too. We had a follow up conversation last night and I tried very calmly to explain how crazy this was all making me. He seemed geniuly surprised that it was hurting me so much and thanked me for telling him becaue he really didn’t realize the lack of timelines and moving timelines was upsetting me.
To him it seems like he knows we are going to be together forever and everything will work out in the end, so why worry about how we get there? Of course to me I want to say “if you are sure we are going to be together, lets just get married!!”
At least he has a little more insight into how it is making me feel and I hope that he will keep that in mind!
Post # 11
He’s entitled to not be ready- but it’s really unfair of him to give you timelines (by Christmas, by your birthday) only to get your hopes up and then break his promise for no apparent (at least to you) reason. And now he won’t talk about it because he doesn’t want to feel ‘pressured’. This is unfair to you when he’s told you he wants to marry you but the timeframes HE was the one to offer up have come and gone without a proposal, you deserve some straight answers as to why he’s done this, it’s your future too. And especially since you both want kids, he shouldn’t expect that you’ll just wait patiently in limbo, not knowing if he’s going to propose next week or 2 years from now.
Post # 12
- Wedding: October 2016 - Bloch Chapel
This is crazy–I feel like I could have written this myself! Right down to the Christmas/birthday letdowns (my birthday was 2/20). We’ve been together for two years now, were friends for three years before that, and are both in our late twenties. We’ve been very serious in our relationship from the get-go; within the first few months, I had a miscarriage which prompted the “future family” talk very early on. It seemed like we were on the same page.
The thing that really rings true to me is that feeling of helplessness–waiting on someone else to make this major life decision for you. I love the idea of being surprised (I never peeked at my gifts as a kid), but I have a life to plan. He keeps saying “when the time is right,” which sounds so cliche to me; I’m always wondering if that means he isn’t sure yet. It especially hurts because we were completely on board with parenting together when I was pregnant.
I have lots of ridiculous and irrational thoughts. Since most of our friends are engaged or married, I worry people won’t be excited for us when it happens (I know that shouldn’t matter, but I’m opting for honesty here). I worry that when he pops the question I won’t give him the reaction he deserves because I’m so tired of waiting. I worry that my constant worrying is pushing him to propose at a later date.
The thing that surprises most people is that I don’t even want a wedding. I’d actually be fine with a courthouse ceremony and getting donuts afterwards. I don’t want a flashy ring. I just want to be a wife.
I know this post isn’t particularly helpful; I just wanted you to know that I don’t think you’re a shrew or selfish (lots of people make me feel that way sometimes). You just want your SO to get on your level…
Post # 13
Thanks so much for your post, it is actually VERY helpful. I too don’t even care about a wedding and don’t want anything flashy, I’m just ready for that next step in life and want us to be a family already!!!
It is really really hard being paitent and trying not to worry and trusting him. I can’t help but have doubts when it feels like the deadline keeps getting pushed back and it is making me resentful and worried that I”m just not going to be that excited when the time comes 🙁 However, lately I have been trying to focus on the positives and that I love my life in general, and love my life with him.
If for some reason this just doesn’t work out at all and he is never going to be sure about us enough to propose, I at least want to try and enjoy our time together and not think that it was something I did being a crazy person that pushed him away. I do struggle with the whole thing being on his terms, or at least feeling like it is on his terms.
Thanks for sharing your ridiculous and irrational thoughts with me, it helps me feel not quite so irrational, or at least not quite so alone 🙂
I hope all the best works out for both of us!!!
Post # 14
You’ve gotten a lot of great advice so far! I’ve felt that way previously too, and it drove me nuts! I’d try the asme thing, just calmly discussing what his deal was and why he was flip-flopping all over the place. I really felt jerked around. We ended up splitting because he finally admitted that he wasn’t ready to commit and the pressure was making him even more unsure. Try to not talk about it for a while. Take a step back from the issue and relax! He sounds like a great guy, and understanding about how you feel. Give him a little time to make descisions naturally without any pressure. It sounds like he’s sure he wants to be with you, but he wants to work some stuff out in his head before he asks. I’ve seen all kinda of issues, my Fiance delayed asking because of fear of looking like we rushed and financial concerns, not even slightly related to being unsure about me or the relationship. Re-visit the issue in a few months if he hasn’t asked yet, but mostly just enjoy your time together!
Post # 15
I’m seeing a couple of red flags here – one, he said he was going to propose twice, and hasn’t done so. Two, he doesn’t seem willing to discuss it with you, and three, if he isn’t “ready” and doesn’t know he for sure wants to marry you after 2 years then that is a huge problem.
My Fiance and I waited 4 years to get engaged, but this was mainly because I didn’t want him to finance the ring, and the ring I fell in love with was quite expensive. I got frustrated a couple of times and asked if we’re ever going to get engaged and he showed me his savings account and how much he had saved and said he expected to be engaged by xxx date and we were. We also discussed the wedding, marriage, kids, future house, etc. very frequently, and he never shied away from those topics. He called me his fiancé in all of his paperwork long before we were officially engaged. Actually, it became sort of a joke because many of our friends and family kept asking us if we were ever going to get engaged and he’d say, it’s her fault she’s the one that wants the expensive ring (even though I would’ve been happy with something tiny he just wanted to get me what I really wanted).
I’m not saying your fiancé doesn’t want to marry you, maybe he’s planning a surprise proposal right now and that’s why he’s putting you off, but I don’t understand what would make him not ready yet. It may be helpful for you to write all of your concerns down and then have a calm discussion with him about them. I would find out what is causing him to want to wait, is he concerned about sharing finances, paying for the ring, the wedding itself, pressure to have children, etc.? If it is any of these things you two can work it out together, if it’s not, and he doesn’t want to discuss it or he just isn’t sure he’s ready to be married then I would really re-examine your relationship. If I was with a guy who didn’t know whether he wanted to marry me after 2 years and/or wasn’t even comfortable speaking with me about it, I would probably leave, however, only you know your relationship. A lot of women that didn’t know me may have thought that they would never wait 4 years to be engaged, but it worked for us. If he is trustworthy and the kind of guy who does what he says he’ll do (even though he hasn’t so far) then stick it out, or if you’re okay with being with him and never getting married then that may work too, you guys just have to be on the same page about the situation.