(Closed) Waiting is ruining our relationship!

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
3102 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

At this point.

Post # 3
446 posts
Helper bee

On one hand, the way that you’re behaving because of your anxiety to be engaged might be causing some resentment in him, thus further delaying his proposal. 

On the other hand, it is your life, too, and the decision about when to get married shouldn’t be all his. Have you considered proposing to him? 

Post # 4
1103 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

he just sounds like he’s not ready 

Post # 5
82 posts
Worker bee

I think you need to sit down and sort through your thoughts and prep to have a timeline talk with him. The whole “I need to make the decision on my own” is a bull poop excuse, and if you aren’t ok with this being solely his decision (and it sounds like you aren’t), you should calmly let him know as much. It’ll go more smoothly if you have a well thought out timeline of your own that you can discuss with him, and you definitely want him to know this is a two-way conversation. Neither you nor he gets to make this kind of life-changing decision without the input of the other.

Post # 6
1782 posts
Buzzing bee

He’s given you expectations and then not met them… he shouldn’t have told you that in the first place. If he can’t make up his mind in the time he told you, that’s kind of shitty. You are entering your 30s and want to start a family soon, and he owes it to you to not waste your time. I would sit him down and talk about that.

Plus, he reeeeally jerked you around on the timeline, and that’s not okay. It sounds like this is a one-sided deal where he doesn’t have to stand up to what he’s promised and you’re left powerless.

I also would look at other parts of your relationship. Is it the waiting that’s ruining your relationship, or his attitude? Your interactions overall? The fact that he doesn’t seem to be thinking seriously about you?

Post # 7
115 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

If you are certain that he is ‘the one’ for you, and you think he is being sincere about wanting to get married in the near future, then I think you should give him a bit more time. Ideally, in every relationship, both parties would want to progress to the next stage at the same time. Obviously this doesn’t happen that often because everyone is different! As difficult as it is to wait (i’m also waiting!!), I don’t think it’s fair to decide that just because you’re ready that he has to be ready too. Maybe he is just taking a bit more time to get comfortable with moving towards engagement and marriage. It would be sad to call it quits now when maybe he’s just a couple weeks/months away from wanting the same thing you want.

Post # 8
702 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

View original reply
emersonelizabeth:  he’s not being fair. Marriage is a mutual decision and for one person to leave the other hanging is just inconsiderate on his behalf.

I think what you need to do however, is sit him down and point blank tell him what YOUR goals are. Depending on your SO, you just may have to be more proactive.

 I know for myself, it was babies before 30, and then of course once baby came I required a ring ASAP! We both knew and agreed we would get married, but he’s the kind of guy who drags his heels because he overthinks things. He had money saved (but in his mind not enough because he wanted to buy me a giant diamond). I told him I didn’t want a giant diamond, nor did I want to wait however long for him to save an insane amount of money. I picked a ring that I wanted within the budget, and we bought it together. Then of course the heel dragging to propose … basically to this day he complains that I ruined the proposal, because he wanted to do something super special and I was done waiting! So, I got my proposal and my ring, and at least I didn’t have to propose to him!!

Some guys just need a bit of a push. There’s a lot of pressure on them to do some fancy production with bling that costs a fortune. Some might get turned off or even intimidated by the entire thing, and then just stall. Especially guys for whom romance doesn’t come naturally!

I hope this is helpful. And good luck!! πŸ™‚

Post # 9
124 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

I can only say what I have experienced and seen but if he is in his 30s and saying he is not ready when nothing in his life should be holding him back(he is financial stable, his friends are settled down, etc) then he is uncertain about you and has doubts about the girl and doesn’t know how to communicate that. Ask him what his doubts are and you may find the reason why he isn’t ready. You may be able to help him and work through it or at least get some answers.

Post # 11
5304 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
emersonelizabeth:  He’s entitled to not be ready- but it’s really unfair of him to give you timelines (by Christmas, by your birthday) only to get your hopes up and then break his promise for no apparent (at least to you) reason. And now he won’t talk about it because he doesn’t want to feel ‘pressured’. This is unfair to you when he’s told you he wants to marry you but the timeframes HE was the one to offer up have come and gone without a proposal, you deserve some straight answers as to why he’s done this, it’s your future too. And especially since you both want kids,  he shouldn’t expect that you’ll just wait patiently in limbo, not knowing if he’s going to propose next week or 2 years from now.

Post # 12
97 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Bloch Chapel

This is crazy–I feel like I could have written this myself! Right down to the Christmas/birthday letdowns (my birthday was 2/20). We’ve been together for two years now, were friends for three years before that, and are both in our late twenties. We’ve been very serious in our relationship from the get-go; within the first few months, I had a miscarriage which prompted the “future family” talk very early on. It seemed like we were on the same page.

The thing that really rings true to me is that feeling of helplessness–waiting on someone else to make this major life decision for you. I love the idea of being surprised (I never peeked at my gifts as a kid), but I have a life to plan. He keeps saying “when the time is right,” which sounds so cliche to me; I’m always wondering if that means he isn’t sure yet. It especially hurts because we were completely on board with parenting together when I was pregnant.

I have lots of ridiculous and irrational thoughts. Since most of our friends are engaged or married, I worry people won’t be excited for us when it happens (I know that shouldn’t matter, but I’m opting for honesty here). I worry that when he pops the question I won’t give him the reaction he deserves because I’m so tired of waiting. I worry that my constant worrying is pushing him to propose at a later date.

The thing that surprises most people is that I don’t even want a wedding. I’d actually be fine with a courthouse ceremony and getting donuts afterwards. I don’t want a flashy ring. I just want to be a wife.

I know this post isn’t particularly helpful; I just wanted you to know that I don’t think you’re a shrew or selfish (lots of people make me feel that way sometimes). You just want your SO to get on your level…

Post # 14
546 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

You’ve gotten a lot of great advice so far!  I’ve felt that way previously too, and it drove me nuts!  I’d try the asme thing, just calmly discussing what his deal was and why he was flip-flopping all over the place.  I really felt jerked around.  We ended up splitting because he finally admitted that he wasn’t ready to commit and the pressure was making him even more unsure.  Try to not talk about it for a while.  Take a step back from the issue and relax!  He sounds like a great guy, and understanding about how you feel.  Give him a little time to make descisions naturally without any pressure.  It sounds like he’s sure he wants to be with you, but he wants to work some stuff out in his head before he asks.  I’ve seen all kinda of issues, my Fiance delayed asking because of fear of looking like we rushed and financial concerns, not even slightly related to being unsure about me or the relationship.  Re-visit the issue in a few months if he hasn’t asked yet, but mostly just enjoy your time together! 

Post # 15
750 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
emersonelizabeth:  I’m seeing a couple of red flags here – one, he said he was going to propose twice, and hasn’t done so. Two, he doesn’t seem willing to discuss it with you, and three, if he isn’t “ready” and doesn’t know he for sure wants to marry you after 2 years then that is a huge problem.

My Fiance and I waited 4 years to get engaged, but this was mainly because I didn’t want him to finance the ring, and the ring I fell in love with was quite expensive. I got frustrated a couple of times and asked if we’re ever going to get engaged and he showed me his savings account and how much he had saved and said he expected to be engaged by xxx date and we were. We also discussed the wedding, marriage, kids, future house, etc. very frequently, and he never shied away from those topics. He called me his fiancé in all of his paperwork long before we were officially engaged. Actually, it became sort of a joke because many of our friends and family kept asking us if we were ever going to get engaged and he’d say, it’s her fault she’s the one that wants the expensive ring (even though I would’ve been happy with something tiny he just wanted to get me what I really wanted).

I’m not saying your fiancé doesn’t want to marry you, maybe he’s planning a surprise proposal right now and that’s why he’s putting you off, but I don’t understand what would make him not ready yet. It may be helpful for you to write all of your concerns down and then have a calm discussion with him about them. I would find out what is causing him to want to wait, is he concerned about sharing finances, paying for the ring, the wedding itself, pressure to have children, etc.? If it is any of these things you two can work it out together, if it’s not, and he doesn’t want to discuss it or he just isn’t sure he’s ready to be married then I would really re-examine your relationship. If I was with a guy who didn’t know whether he wanted to marry me after 2 years and/or wasn’t even comfortable speaking with me about it, I would probably leave, however, only you know your relationship. A lot of women that didn’t know me may have thought that they would never wait 4 years to be engaged, but it worked for us. If he is trustworthy and the kind of guy who does what he says he’ll do (even though he hasn’t so far) then stick it out, or if you’re okay with being with him and never getting married then that may work too, you guys just have to be on the same page about the situation. 

Good luck!

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