(Closed) Waiting is ruining our relationship!

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
499 posts
Helper bee

I’m a slow decision maker and I think it would take me longer than two years to decide on forever. That said, it’s not fair of him to keep getting your hopes up and letting you down. Do you know what kind of feelings are holding him back? Maybe he is scared. Indecision can house a lot of fear.

Post # 17
Member
316 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Some will say the following expression is harsh but it really is true: “No ring on finger, you must not linger”.

Men are simple: they know what they want and go for it. I was once in a very unhealthy relationship and time does not favour women. If a man puts off the whole engagement/marriage topic, it’s time to move on. Be with a man who loves you so much that he must be your husband.

Post # 19
Member
37 posts
Newbee

View original reply
Lapetitemaimai:  Hm, idk about that statement. All men are different. Some men know what they want and go for it, and that makes things a lot easier. Other men need some time to let things sink in and to readjust how they think about their life situations (and the scary transition to adulthood). I also don’t think that our current culture helps that transition.

Granted, I’m not excusing this. They SHOULD just man up and go for it. But I don’t think you can make a blanket statement about how guys will act and what putting off an engagement means.

OP, I think you need to figure out what’s at the heart of his postponements. Is he scared of marriage in general? Or is he waiting for something in particular? “Soon” is an acceptable answer for the short term, but he can’t keep pulling that. As I told my previously wishy-washy SO, not making a decision eventually becomes a decision.

Post # 20
Member
321 posts
Helper bee

I would move on. For me, at 31, I would want to be having kids in the next two years, and I would never choose to have kids out of wedlock, so this would be a make or break moment for me. 

1) he has failed to meet his own, self-imposed, dealines for proposing. that’s very inconsiderate and would make me inclined not to trust him because he’s already fail to live up to the expectations that he gave you

2) the “making the decision on his own” thing is indeed bullshit.  A marriage is a partnership. I’d tell him that you need to be able to dicuss life changes together as a couple because that’s what partnership  means. If he’s unwilling, then I would not continue to be in a relationship with a man who isn’t comfortable letting me have a say in my own future

3) “soon” is not an answer. Does soon mean 3 months? 3 years? until some unknown goal is accomplished? I would ask point blank if he is planning on marrying me. If not, then “soon” really means stop asking. If he says yes, but that he’s not ready, then you need to talk about those feelings together as a couple. If what he means is that he wants space to plan the proposal, then he needs to say that out loud. I would not wait around any longer at this point for a “maybe”

Post # 21
Member
2274 posts
Buzzing bee

It sounds as though waiting is ruining your relationship but not his?

Post # 22
Member
15 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2015

This is totally my story and sounds exactly like my situation! We have been together for 3.5 years and at the 2.5 year mark I started to totally freak out and he knew it. We had several arguments about it and several “normal people” conversations about it. He would always tell everyone when they would ask when he was going to propose that it wouldn’t be long, but then a long time would go by and no ring! I finally sat him down and told him that just becasue he thought “things were fine the way they were and there was no need to change things / get married” that I wasn’t going to wait around on him forever. I made sure he knew that I had a future to look out for and that it wouldn’t go to waste waiting around on a guy who wasn’t or didn’t have the same goals in mind as mine and I think he finally realized I was serious! So about 2 months later I came home on a Wednesday afternoon and he was already home and had gone and bought my ring and proposed and he was more excited than I was I think…he was literally thrilled. So after the fact, I asked him what took so long and he said, ” I was just so scared, I have never bought a ring, what if I bought a fake ring and don’t know it, what if I bought something you don’t like or it isn’t big enough, he even told me at one point he would take me to buy the ring he really wanted to buy that was too expensive in a few years. Let me be very clear I have a very large solitare so I have no clue why he thinks it isn’t big enough. But my point is, I think he was just terrified that the proposal and the ring wouldn’t be special enough! Looking back, I don’t think it had anything to do with him not being ready, or unsure, I think it was that I kept harrasing him about it, and he was terrified. He also said that he wanted to make sure that we knew exactly how to work out our differences and get through the good and the bad and for that I will always be thankful!!

Just give it at least another year…..I know that is hard to hear, but a lot of guys do not propose until the 3 year mark! I hope you get your ring soon!!

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