(Closed) Waiting is straining our relationship….VENT

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I remember that feeling well.  It’s really hard to keep the resentment at bay. I think I actually used the “actions speak louder than words” phrase with my then Boyfriend or Best Friend. Your guy still has two and a half months, though.  I set a “shut up” date in my mind when I was waiting (I said to myself: I’ll give him until the end of August,  between now and then I won’t breathe a word.  If there’s no proposal by then, gloves are off.)  Once I had that date set in my  head, I was able to relax and just wait. It helped that I knew he had gone ring shopping, though.  It also helped that he has a female co-worker that told him “dude, if you don’t propose by your anniversery, she’s gonna knock you out.” Heh. Set your “shut up” date to the end of December and then try your best to put it out of your mind (I know, so easier said than done it’s almost laughable, right?)

Post # 4
Member
6248 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 1900

“Actions speak louder than words.”  Gosh, I can’t even tell you how many times I said this to my bf.  I completely understand your frustration, having been there myself. 

I totally immersed myself in other things that didn’t include my bf, like taking a yoga class.  Trust me, a little distance can go a long way and do a great deal of good.  Not only does it help you detach from the situation and stop you from obsessing/nagging (been there, done that), but most of the time it kind of jump-starts the guy to get his butt in gear and propose before he “loses” his girl!!

Post # 5
Member
2742 posts
Sugar bee

Well, I got to the point of saying “I don’t care about a ring, propose” and well, I got proposed to without a ring. I was very happy because now I knew he put his actions to words. I’ll get my ring eventually but at least I’m engaged!

Post # 6
Member
1872 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

I’m more of a realist, so here’s sort of the objective response:

1. You gave him until January 2011. He has more than two months. You did not say “on my birthday” so while I get you’re disappointed, is that really reasonable? Your disappointed because he didn’t do something that you didn’t tell him you wanted him to do. Come January 2011, you can be disappointed all you want, but if you made that deal, it’s not fair of you to resent him.

2. If you don’t like waiting for the next two months, propose to him.

3. Agree with PP–get out there and get your mind on something else. Start up a book club. Learn to golf. Whatever. Just help yourself to stop obsessing over this.

 

Post # 7
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

This is very hard, I understand…I went through the EXACT same thing that you did (same amount of time together, living together and timeline etc) I am not going to tell you to get over it and just wait for it because I know how absolutely impossible that can be when you are so frustrated however, what I do have to share with you is this:

– First of all you have been ring shopping and although things have gotten in the way, the first step is done.

– Secondly, here is what I did.  I stopped badgering him (because yes that was what I was doing and it wasn’t working – like you said just putting a strain) so instead I started looking at wedding stuff on the computer.  Just getting ideas in my head of what I like and what other brides had done.  So my mind was still focusing on that but I wasn’t saying it outwordly.  I found that once I stopped badgering, very soon after that, came the proposal!!!

– Lastly, as lezlers was saying now that you have a date given to him, you can sit back and relax.  It will be here sooner than you think just think WOW 2 days ago is the last birthday that you will not be engaged, how cool, this time next year you will be engaged 🙂

Although cliche, when it does happen it will be so worth it and this feeling you have right now will pretty well evaporate…It did for me. 

Post # 8
Member
1739 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I guess in my case I’m trying not to be upset about the lack of an engagement, simply because I’m sure a shrewish, weeping mess isn’t exacly encouraging when thinking about if you want to spend forever with this woman.  It’s hard, damn hard not to feel bad, and I am so happy this site exists and shows me that I’m not nuts, that other women feel the same way, that I’m not just being selfish… knowing my feelings, while extrem at time and not particulalry endearing, are still normal for someone in this situation has helped my recent spate of anxiety attacks subside a bit. 

Also, I just read a good post by MrCoffee (I think) about how a man who wants to propose might still put it off to make sure it’s done right.  It might take a little longer than planned to say, contact your family and ask for your hand, set up a special dinner, decide where and how to do it, and then get the nerve to do it.  We waiting-women, have already made up our minds about our SOs, and pretty much feel like weve put ourselves out there for the man to ccept or reject.  I think other than asking a woman out for a date and proposing, men don’t feel that way as often.  (Not a guy, so if anyone has any input, I know we’d love to hear it).

Women put a lot of stock in whether they are attrative, fun and “marriage-able”, while men tend to put more stock into their careers, cars, homes, etc.  They feel their external success is their best commodity, while our internal personal selves are ours.  I don’t feel my guy is judging me on my car or my job, but on ME… I can get a new car or job, but I can’t do much about ME, which I think is why we feel so stongly about being accepted as a wife.  So when we don’t get asked to be our SO’s wife, we’re not being accepted for who we are, hence the crying and depression.

Try to relax, take it one day at a time, and find other ways to distract yourself from waiting.  Easier said than done, but it’ll make you more YOU, and a happier you is more likely to be what he wants to see.

Post # 10
Member
610 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I remember this feeling all too well.  When I was in this scenario 2-12 months ago this is what I did that kind of helped.

It’s really hard to not make comments about all friends that are getting engaged or married, or watching Bride Wars & He’s Just not that into you. But do your best not to, because it’s only going to as you said make you more distant. And it’s not like he’s telling you I don’t want to marry you, like you’ve said you’ve been ring shopping twice and it’s just the finances that need to come through. I would not listen to those who said propose to him or who needs a ring, because this proposal is just as important to him as it is to you. Fiance told me how he really wanted to make this event special for me.

When I was feeling a little down, I would go to the bee, and let my frustrations out here. OR I would do something good for myself, go out with friends, get a mani/pedi, get a new hair cut, take the dog on a beach walk whatever makes you happy.

Like bee’s have said you have two months. I gurantee you will have good and bad waiting days. Take your frustration out on the boards, and enjoy your time with him. I hope your waiting ends soon!

Post # 12
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@PrettySedity: THIS IS YOUR GET ENGAGED COACH SPEAKING TO YOU

You catch more bees with honey. STOP pushing him away. Love him up, talk nasty with him, cook him some of that good chicken. Do whatever it takes to get that dang on ring. When he walks through the door from work ask him does he want a massage, how about a cold beer or hoagie. What did Destiny Child say CATER TO YOU MAN!! 🙂 I got your tee shirt, dinner and so much more I want to CATER TO MY MAN!!

I hope this makes you feel better, in honesty hang in there. It’s just one of those days.

Post # 14
Member
6248 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 1900

@7mom: LOL!  I love the pep talk!

Post # 15
Member
1739 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@7mom:

LOL!  Yeah – cook him that Engagement Chicken from Galmour Magazine (I’m thinking of doing this in a few months, once his little brother’s gotten his proposal out of the way with his long-time Girlfriend and turkey-time is over)!  The worst that can happen is you both have a good chicken dinner – the best is kinda up to him :).

I know it’s hard to squelch the negative thoughts – any time I’m alone it gets REALLY bad, and since all the guys I know except mine have caught engagement flu recenlty, I’m grasping for anything positive to focus on.  It’s not like you MEAN to feel this way, it’s just no good for you to allow yourself to STAY feeling that way.  Take some time and look online at things you know you’d want for a wedding if you’re concerned about JUne 2011 being too close.  You can window shop all you want for ideas, which might ease the timeline stress you’re feeling a little, and it’ll save time when you’re officially planning the wedding.

P.S. I know you’re setting your expectation date for January 1, 2011 at midnight… but he might have a loophole if you actually said, “January 2011”, which has 31 whole days in it, and he could think you meant before the month is over.  Not good news, I know, but he might decide to be a date-lawyer about it. 

The topic ‘Waiting is straining our relationship….VENT’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors