(Closed) waiting led to indifference??

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1737 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I’m sorry you’re feeling so indifferent 🙁 I don’t have any real advice, but I can relate to you. My waiting period was pretty rough, too. I think some women handle it better than others. When Fiance finally proposed to me, I was happy, but my overwhelming feeling was one of relief. FINALLY, my life was moving forward instead of feeling like it had been on hold for months.

I think my problem was that, even though getting engaged is a huge life decision, I had absolutely NO control over when that decision was made. It was all up to him. I have always been a very in-control person, so it drove me crazy to have this huge aspect of my future resting in someone else’s hands. I found it very unfair, and I think that’s part of why waiting was SO hard.

I know my Fiance waited to propose until I was no longer excited about our potential engagement so that he could catch me completely by surprise. The surprise factor was very important to him. I don’t think that’s exactly the right way to go about proposing to someone (why would you wait until that person WASN’T excited about getting engaged, you know? It makes no sense), but maybe your SO is thinking along the same lines.

Post # 4
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

Not knocking your decision or anything, but why not give it a trial run by staying in eachother’s bedrooms with eachother, instead of in the guestroom? That’s what you’d be doing as a married couple would. That would get you a birds eye view of what life is like to come. You don’t have to be intimate if that conflicts with your belief system, but at least experience your future in a microcosm of sorts. 

Also, have you decided who would move where? That might be an issue in why he is slow to move ahead. Have a chat; iron that bit out.

Post # 5
Member
1278 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Sorry to hear you are feeling a bit indifferent with this. I think we all can relate to this as we go through this feeling from time to time. Just hang in there and keep communicating with your boyfriend

Post # 6
Member
14486 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@StuporDuck:  I agree, that jumped out at me also.  

I totally know how you feel though.  After waiting for a while, my limit was 3 years after dating 3-4 years, I was completely checked out and indifferent… We ended up breaking up. (of course there was a lot of other things, but I think the waiting just amplifies everything)

Post # 7
Member
1512 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@StuporDuck:  I wondered the same thing about sleeping in the same bed. If you’re waiting to have sex, you can still sleep in bed together and not have sex. It seems odd to me that you would sleep in guest beds. It’s your decision though, so I’m sure you have your reasons.

I don’t really have any advice for you, but I personally wouldn’ have waited for two years if I was in my 30s. I’m still in my 20s but I already feel like, I’m not getting any younger here! I think you should talk to him, and if he still seems like he’s not ready, maybe it’s time to reevaluate things.

Post # 8
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee

I’m a similar age and I think my feelings are kind of heading in the same direction. I love him but it’s clear that he doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life with me, otherwise he would have proposed. The relationship isn’t moving forward so I’m gradually checking out and becoming increasingly indifferent.

There’s only so long that you can continue giving love and commitment while not getting the same in return… eventually you start to lose interest because he’s obviously not equally invested in the relationship and you feel like you’re wasting your time. I find myself losing hope that he might propose, and instead I’m casting my eyes over other men and wondering if they might offer better prospects for marriage. Ultimately I think I’ll probably lose interest to the extent that I’ll end up leaving him for someone else. Maybe then he’ll meet someone who he actually does want to marry.

Post # 9
Member
203 posts
Helper bee

@jk1:  I’m so sorry you’re in this situation, but several things bother me about what you write.

Principally, and I realise you may have just not mentioned it, but the statement “We have plans for me to stay at his house in his guestroom” leads me to question whether you have actually been to visit him at all in the time you’ve known him, or does he always visit you?  Please know that I’m not questioning the ‘sleeping’ arrangements – I completely respect those.

I hope I’m alone (not to mention wrong) with where this concern takes me, but I fear I’m not…

Post # 10
Member
1405 posts
Bumble bee

I agree with him – sorry.  You have not spent that much time actually together.  

Post # 12
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@jk1:  It wouldn’t hurt to talk to him about the consequences of his feeling it out. Tell him in no uncertain terms that this is a gruelling process, and if he doesn’t feel it’s teh right move for him by X time, then you will need to seek other options. But make sure that’s what you want before you tell him that. otherwise, this advice will not help.

Alternatively, why don’t you pick up a hobby to serve as a distraction? get involved in a painting class, or pottery, or something you’ve always wanted to get involved with. Have some fun. It’ll help with “waiting”. Good luck.

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