(Closed) Waiting no more

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
3830 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Frown I’m sorry you have to give up your dream.  But if you are both completely committed then a piece of paper wont change that. 

Good luck. 

Post # 4
Member
107 posts
Blushing bee

So sorry! It is scary to give up your dream. Make sure you are taking care of yourself in some way!

Post # 5
Member
2523 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

🙁

I”m so sorry you’re hurting like this. Stay strong; there’s no shame in being selfish for a little bit.

Good luck. <3

Post # 6
Member
40 posts
Newbee

:'( honestly, i don’t understand why you should stay with someone who doesn’t also support your hopes and dreams. 

there’s a guy out there whose only goal is to make you happy. go find that one! 

Post # 7
Member
40 posts
Newbee

:'( honestly, i don’t understand why you should stay with someone who doesn’t also support your hopes and dreams. 

there’s a guy out there whose only goal is to make you happy. go find that one! 

Post # 8
Member
482 posts
Helper bee

you dont want to look back when youre older and wonder ‘what if?’ dont give up on your dream for him. you only live once.

Post # 9
Member
410 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@photograbee:  +1

I would never settle for common law marriage if what I’d been dreaming of was a real marriage. You deserve someone who will give you want you want b/c he loves you and wants to make you happy. I think you should tell him that you’re not pressuring him but it’s time he realizes he needs to sh*t or get off the pot. This obviously means a lot to you, and you shouldn’t be made to feel like your wants and needs have to take a backseat.

Post # 10
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

*Hugs* I don’t understand OP, he wants you to stay his common law wife…..but not his legal wife, no wedding, no wedding band?? Does he think those things are just materialistic and not whats really important in a marriage? Sorry, giving up your dreams for someone else isn’t easy, like Nickibee said you don’t want to look back thinking what if? Really evaluate your guys realtionship before as you say give up and in on this. It’s not easy to be cut so deep, but you’ll get through it, keep your head up Wink

Post # 12
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

@photograbee:  I agree.

OP, this guy is putting his wishes above yours. You’re just going to stay with some guy who (possibly) doesn’t love you enough to marry you? Has he ever mentioned not believing in marriage before?

If you’re only 22, or you’ve only been together for 6 or 7 months, the “don’t pressure me” thing might hold a bit of water. But if you’ve been together for years, and he’s still saying that, it isn’t going to happen–at least not if you keep to the status quo. If you want marriage, he should want to give it to you. It’s not like he is losing anything he would want or need if he were actually devoted to you. Men who have fully committed to one woman don’t need freedom to be with others or the ability to pack up and move on at a moment’s notice. Most men eventually do marry, and many times if they aren’t wanting to marry when you’re with them, it’s not because they don’t want to get married ever. It’s because they don’t want to marry YOU.

I’m not trying to be cruel. But trust me when I say that just because you have a perfect relationship now doesn’t mean you can stay together blissfully forever without a ring.  If he doesn’t want to marry you, he probably has what he feels is a good reason. And generally those reasons aren’t the sorts of things that contribute to healthy relationships. He may be holding out for someone he thinks is better for him. Please at least consider this, as it’s something I had to learn the hard way–twice–and if any good could come of that pain, it would be that someone else would be stronger than I was, and wouldn’t have to make the same mistakes I did.

If you are absolutely sure this is the man you want to be with forever, and he will make a good father if you want kids, a good co-provider, won’t cheat and all that… why are you giving up? Giving up on your dream of marriage just because it’s not something HE wants, assuming this is something you’ve always wanted, is to me a bit fatalistic and frankly antifeminist. If you want this to work, there are things you can do to help make it happen, or at least to get to the bottom of this.

I recommend “Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others.” It’s great at demystifying men’s behavior. There are a couple other books that might help too, as well as Mr. Bee’s plan. But if this is something that is essential to your happiness, don’t give up. The resentment will poison your relationship, because wanting to be married isn’t exactly something you can turn off with the flick of a switch. You owe it to yourself to try and figure out whether he’s not wanting to marry because he feels too young/not financially stable enough, whether it is because he feels you aren’t the one, or whether there’s some other thing going on.

Men who want to marry a woman do. Mine packed up and moved to a different state because he wanted to marry me. But it wasn’t because there was anything special about me. It’s because that’s the sort of thing true love does. That’s what it looks like. And lady, if that’s not how it looks from where you’re sitting, I’d pack up and move on. He has the right to not want to get married, true. But you have the right to leave if your needs aren’t being fulfilled, and you definitely have the right to keep trying to help this along if it’s important to you.

 

Post # 13
Member
340 posts
Helper bee

Why do you have to be the one to give up your dream? I think he needs to stop being selfish and figure it out. You aren’t pressuring him, you love him so much that you want to be with him forever.

Post # 14
Member
1466 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I don’t think you should give up on something you want. If he truly wants you to be with him forever, he will do whatever it takes to prevent you from leaving. 

Post # 16
Member
597 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@Alaric2012:  Whoa, that’s rough! I’m soo sorry, but don’t give up on your dream, resentment follows. 

I’m glad you love him that much where you’re willing to compromise, just remember, relationships are a 2 way street and he has to meet you halfway.

Best of luck! 

 

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