- 5 years ago
Yesterday morning I woke up with the unexpected feeling of not knowing if I can stay in this relationship much longer if he doesn’t propose to me soon, or at least agrees on a timeline. And I would like to hear your advice and opinion on this. Let me explain.
My boyfriend is almost 31, I’m 27, we met in summer 2012, decided after just very few dates that we want to be in an exclusive relationship. When we met, I was about to end my Master’s degree and really wasn’t marriage oriented at all, in fact I never even thought about it, so for a long time we didn’t even mention getting married at all. After just a couple of months of relationship we moved in together and our relationship got more serious, I met all of his friends and family and he met mine. That was when I first started thinking about getting married one day, but I found it way too soon to talk about it. 1.5 years into the relationship, I finally brought it up for the first time. His answer- He wants to get married one day, but he isn’t crazy about wedding traditions like huge celebrations. That was fine with me because I’m not into that either. We dropped the topic.
Fast forward to last summer, shortly after our second anniversary. He told me his company is relocating him to another city and asked me if I want to come with him. I said yes, I couldn’t imagine being in a long distance relationship with him. That was maybe a misake, maybe I should have said ‘Yes,but I want to wait until we’re engaged’. FYI, moving to another city isn’t a big deal for me because I’m working selfemployed so I can work from wherever. Plus, before we even moved I already lived far away from home (6h flight), so I’m used to move around. I met him in his city, I didn’t move there for him, but I don’t think I would have stayed that long there if not for him.
Well, as mentioned, last summer I told him I will move to that new city with him. A week before we actually moved, he brought up buying a house together and having kids. He asked me if I want to start looking at houses with him because he really wants to have one with me, and how many kids I want and when. I told him I want to have two kids in maybe 3-4 years, and that I would love to buy a house with him, but not before we’re engaged. He found that weird, but said that he doesn’t have a problem with marrying me, that he loves me and that I can be sure that we will get married. I asked him about a timeline, he said he doesn’t know. We started looking at houses anyway, but we didn’t buy anything because I put my foot down that I want to be engaged at least when byuying something. I guess I was hoping he would propose faster when he sees he’s not getting the house he wants if we’re not engaged. Well, that plan didn’t work out, he still didn’t propose, but he keeps talking about houses and our future together (minus marriage).
In February- Living together in the new city and after over 2.5 years of relationship- I brought it up again. I told him straight that I don’t understand what he’s waiting for, that we have been living together for quite a long time, that he talks about buying a house and having kids together, that there is no reason why we cannot get married. I think if I’m good enough for all this, I’m good enough to be his wife. I could see that he felt uncomfortable with this conversation. He said he still wants to get married, but that I’m putting a lot of pressure on him now and that he doesn’t want to feel forced. I was like ‘Excuse me? In the 2.5+ years we’ve been together we’ve talked about getting married three times. I never nagged you, never pressured you.’ but he still said that he feels pressured now. He also said that right now he just doesn’t feel like planning a wedding. I said we can get engaged in these months and get married next year so we have a lot of time to plan. It still didn’t seem to convince him. I said okay, asked him if he can at least give me a timeline when it will happen. He said he doesn’t know and that he feels like I’m in a rush to get married. I didn’t want to let it go just yet and joked ‘I really don’t want to wait another three years’, he said ‘It’s not gonna be three years’. I said ‘How much then?’ he said ‘Less than three years’. He couldn’t tell me more, just that it will happen.
For me this looks like a really shitty timeline. I mean, this summer we’ll have our third anniversary and he cannot at least tell me that it’s gonna happen in the next 6-12 months?! We have been living together for quite a while and plan a future together and everything. Plus, he’s (almost) 31, has been working in his stable job with a great salary for many years (he graduated from college in 2007), he already owns an apartment in his home city (currently renting out to other people), most of his friends are already married, I’ve also been working in my job for a few years now, I’m financially absolutely independent and we make around the same amount of money. For me, there is zero reason to not finally get engaged. I even made it clear to him that I don’t want or need a diamond engagement ring, that I prefer an amerald or sapphire for just a few hundred bucks, I even said we can split the price. I also said that I don’t want a big wedding party, that I would prefer a cheap elopement or a small ceremony only with the closest family. Hell, I even said that I can plan everything myself if he prefers that and that I just tell him what we could do and he tells me if he likes the idea or not.
Then we stopped talking about it. That was two months ago. Neither him or I have brought up getting married ever since. A few days ago we were at a friend’s house with two married couples and they started asking us when we get married. I told the girls that I don’t know yet, answered ‘Yes’ when they asked me if I want to get married. They also tried to ask my bf, but he seriously pretended that he doesn’t hear them, he just started a conversation with one of the guys about something else instead.
Well, in these two months after our last marriage talk I tried to back off, not mention marriage at all and really did not, still hoping that he would. In two weeks we’re leaving for a trip to Cuba, and I guess all this time I was still hoping it would happen there. I don’t know, yesterday I just woke up and felt like I’m lying to myself, keeping my hopes up although deep down I know it won’t happen there. He cannot even give me a real timeline, or mention marriage once in a while. He has never brought it up himself. Am I expecting too much after almost three years, regarding our situations? Should I just leave him? Should I give him a few more months? Or what would you do?