(Closed) Waiting, not understanding why we\'re still waiting and starting resenting him

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
2001 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

missnube:  You’ve talked enough. A man should want/be excited to marry you.  After almost 3 years at  your ages it’s obvious he doesn’t want to. I’d be making my own plans to move on. No pressure, no ultimatums, you want something different in life.

Plenty here will tell you to wait, wait, wait, talk more and hope he gets there. Plenty around here wait years and years.  Personally wouldn’t want a man “sliding” into marriage with me because we’d been together for years and years. I’d stop acting like a wife if he wouldn’t make me one.

Post # 3
Member
234 posts
Helper bee

I don’t think any of us can definitively tell you whether to stay or go, but at some point if you keep feeling dissatisfied and your gut tells you this doesn’t feel right and talking about it with your SO doesn’t help, then leaving might be the only way to find the happiness you want. In my mind if my partner was ever uncompromising about something that was deeply important to me and he didn’t have a good reason for it, I would definitely keep getting more and more resentful as time went on. I feel for you and hope it works out no matter what decision you make <3

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by  bluephoenix.
Post # 4
Member
1229 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

It’s not right for your Boyfriend or Best Friend to refuse to discuss the future with you because it makes him feel “pressured”. You should have every right to talk about your hopes and dreams for the future with your partner – and a truly supportive, invested, committed partner would WANT to hear about your future goals, even if they didn’t exactly align with his own plans. So I don’t think it is a good sign that he is shutting down these conversations about marriage.

Still, some men are just kind of immature about relationships, and men are also socialized to believe that they are the final-word decision-makers, so just because your Boyfriend or Best Friend doesn’t want to talk about marriage with you right now doesn’t 100% mean he doesn’t want to marry you. But you deserve to have your voice heard. If I were you, I would decide on a walk-date in my own mind. Choose a day (end of this year, maybe? 3rd anniversary or a few months after? Or when your lease is next up?) sometime in the future where, if your Boyfriend or Best Friend has not proposed moving the relationship forward before this date, you KNOW you will not be able to continue the relationship happily. Then tell your Boyfriend or Best Friend. Some people will call this an ultimatum, and will say it’s not fair or loving to your Boyfriend or Best Friend. But you know what – I think stifling your own hopes, dreams and plans indefinitely is not loving or fair to yourself.

You can make the discussion a little less ultimatum-like by keeping the actual walk-date to yourself. Something like this: “Hi Boyfriend or Best Friend. There’s something I want to talk to you about. Now, I know you’ve said that you don’t want to talk about your marriage timeline with me because it makes you feel pressured. But I am half of this relationship, and I want to share my timeline with you. I want to get married, and dating for several years without any kind of promise or plan to marry my partner makes me uncomfortable. That’s not the kind of relationship I want to be in. So I just want you to know that there will come a day sometime this year that I’m no longer willing to continue this relationship unless we’ve taken it to the next level of commitment. I don’t want to tell you the exact date, because I’m not trying to pressure you into pencilling a proposal into your calendar this minute. I just want you to know what my plans are. I’m open to hearing more about your own plans if you ever change your mind about talking with me about them.”

Post # 5
Member
1770 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

If I were in your situation, I probably would not wait around any longer. Don’t waste any more time, you want marriage and he is unwilling to discuss it. You are 27. Now is the time to find the man you’re going to marry if his is what is important to you. Who knows, he may come around or he may not, but from the sounds of it he is not going to. 

Post # 6
Member
68 posts
Worker bee

missnube:  I agree with the other comment that ultimately none of us can make the decision for you on whether to stay or leave.  I would say that sometimes when we have timelines in our heads or have a list of shoulds, they distract us.  I get your frustration as it makes sense that if you are both committed, living together, and have built this connection then marriage seems like a natural progression.  It would be intetesting to know what his reason is for not wanting to get married yet, but since he has mentioned feeling pressured there is clearly some resistance.  It’s not bad to wait.  You also don’t have to stay if your heart isn’t in it.  It sounds like you have a good thing going.  Maybe it’s possible to revisit the topic of marriage in a few months, but it sounds like it is weighing on you.  I do wonder how the conversations go regarding this topic.  If one or both of you is fueled by emotion, if they end with either of you frustrated or upset or if the conversations are open and calm.  Feel free to expand after you have read these comments from everyone or maybe something someone has said helps.  Sending you good thoughts!

Post # 7
Member
6656 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

If you want to get married, you’re in the wrong relationship. He has talked about a house and children with no mention of marriage until you brought it up; it is clear he has no intention of ever marrying you.

Post # 8
Member
5188 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

missnube:  Normally I’d say give it more time, but you already live together and are financially established. You’re perfectly capable of living without him. Sounds like he wants to play house and nothing more. (Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?) 3 years isn’t a long time by any means as far as that goes but you’ve essentially already built a life together. Marriage is what seals the deal and for some reason he’s avoiding it. If your goal is to get married then you should probably find someone else who is on the same track.

Post # 9
Member
953 posts
Busy bee

What is his problem?

Is it that he is scared of the ring expense?  That the expectations for a proposal are too much? (All that proposal hype and making it perfect) 

Or is it the commitment? I never understand the “it’s fine to have kids and buy a house” without the prospect of marriage.  Does he see marriage as the real commitment? In my eyes children are the biggest commitment. You can always get divorced but you are always responsible for your children. 

Honestly. In your shoes, id tell him point blank. I want to be engaged and have that commitment. If that simple commitment to me is too hard then I’m leaving. 

 

Post # 10
Member
1740 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Honestly, I think I would give him a little more time – maybe a year – and not mention it anymore in the meantime.  But also, do not buy a house, and if he mentions buying one, say something vague like “yes, after we work some other things out.”  

It sounds like he is willing to get married, which is a good sign, but he doesn’t want to feel pressured, which is annoying, but okay.  It is what it is.  

Bottom line, don’t pressure him, but don’t wait forever either.  In a year if he still hasn’t proposed let him know that you’re serious about moving on without him.  After all, a woman only has so many fertile years available…..

Post # 12
Member
11480 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

There are many posts similar to this on Weddingbee.

Although your boyfriend has every right to wait as long as he wants to before deciding if and when he’s ready to propose to you and make you his wife, he does not have a right to expect you to be OK with that situation. The problem is that, given your current arrangement, he has not had to make any concessions, and you’ve had to be the one to do everything on his terms.

For the record, I am someone who, for faith-based reasons, cannot endorse the concept of couples living together prior to marriage. Yet, I know that at least 85 percent of the bees have very different views than I do. Where I think many of us share the same thoughts, however, is that, when one person in a relationship wants to be married, and the other is very reluctant to move forward, the one who wants to be married should not continue to allow the other person to call all of the shots. Given your goals, I think you are wise to draw a line in the sand in refusing to purchase a home or have children given these circumstances.

Post # 13
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee

One other possibility is that he actually does has something planned and that he is being very secretive about letting you on to it. Honestly, I was starting to lose hope by the time my FH proposed. He did not let me on AT ALL. I was so incredibly surprised and I am so happy that despite me asking we didn’t really establish a time line. I just started to accept the possibility that I may never get married and seriously asked myself if I was okay with it. I was borderline, but I had a date in mind where if I felt he was not more serious about it I would have left. However the whole wanting children thing is very odd to me because I agree with what another poster mentioned, that children are a greater commitment than marriage. Neither FH or myself wants children so that was never really brought up. 

Personally, if you set a date where you need to make a decision I would not tell him. Telling him the date doesn’t alleviate “pressure” (whatever that means…I am not a dude so I don’t really understand!). I would just focus on the quality of your relationship as that date approaches and start asking yourself if by that date, if you being married is really that important to you. If it is, then leave then. 

Fun side story, my mom did the same thing to my dad. He wasn’t letting her on after 5 years of being together that he was that serious of being with her. Then she got pissed dumped him and flew to Haiwai for a while. He freaked out because he could not find a way to get a hold of her! Shortly after they made up and now four kids later and 20 plus years of marriage they are still together and I honestly do not know another couple who still loves each other as much as my parents do. I am very lucky to have that relationship to look up to.

Good luck. 

Post # 14
Member
400 posts
Helper bee

I will never understand how people think kids are less of a commitment than marriage!? 

Before leaving, I’d say hey, “I’m not the kind of girl who wants a secret proposal. I believe the two people in a relationship make the decisions about the relationship together. I would like to talk to you about your feelings on marriage. Are there things you want to accomplish before we get engaged? I’m ready, and I can respect a timeline if you are not ready but I’m not comfortable being in the dark about the future of our relationship.”

It’s rediculous to me that he won’t give you an upfront answer about marriage while he’s talking about houses and kids. I’d get very prepared to walk. 

Dont let him mislead you. Pressure is not “I’m ready to get married, how are you feeling about pur future and marriage?” That’s communication, and it’s normal! Pressure is “I want to be married now! And you should be proposing to me, if you dont propose by next month I’m leaving”

It’s completely unfair that he thinks he is then only one who gets to makes this decision. 

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