(Closed) waiting on a man that was engaged before you were together

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: Victoria Wedding Chapel

My boyfriend was basically engaged to his ex-girlfriend (fiance?) before me. They had both agreed they wanted to get married, and he had actually just purchased a ring before she broke it off to go sleep with his best friend. We wound up dating about a month and a half after he got out of that relationship. It was a real struggle at first. He clearly wasn’t over it and I was pretty standoffish. I wasn’t looking for a casual relationship and I felt that’s all he could handle. It took a good 2 years for us to build a good strong relationship. He had to do a lot of thinking about himself and his past relationship before he could be truly committed to me. He then realized that he didn’t actually want to marry her, he just felt that he was getting older and that’s the next logical step. It had nothing to do with her or their relationship. She was pressuring him, and honestly, he was pressuring himself.

The bottom line is, I think it takes a long time to get out of the mindset of, “I’m going to spend the rest of my life with this person,” and then have to completely switch gears and plan a new life.

I also think it depends on if your SO was the one to break it off or if the ex did the breaking. My boyfriend and I are doing great now, and our relationship has never been better. We moved in together a few months ago and we have talked about marriage. I told him I’m not pressuring him for anything and that I want to get married when we’re both ready.

Post # 17
Member
59 posts
Worker bee

My SO was engaged before he met me and it did affect our relationship for probably 2 years. It was a mutual break up  4 weeks after their engagement because of Religious differences and partly because he was highly pressured to get married by her and didn’t feel 100% on board. There were times when he would be sad or depressed and it was because of his break up. He would never admit to it but I knew deep down it was his ex that was making him upset. 

It was hard on me because I couldnt help but compare our relationship to theirs.  I didn’t know much about their relationship but I knew some things  (due to me prying and asking SO). There have been a lot of tears on my part and days asking myself is it worth it? Now looking back I think he should of been single longer. He met me 8 months after their break up but I think he should of given himself atleast 2 years. I got really mad at him for trying to contact her by email when we were together for 18 months. his ex never responded back to him… She’s married now with a baby.

We have been together now for over 4 years and I do not feel any longing on his part for his Ex. I felt this way probably year two into our relationship. He has told me 100% I am the love of his life and wants to get married.  He says he is ready now to be engaged but is waiting for the perfect time that will completely surprise me. 

๐Ÿ™‚

I am really hoping for an engagement by July because I really want to TTC asap!! SO is fully aware of this hehe! 

 

Post # 18
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee

Well, my SO was technically engaged before me because he was married and divorced before we even met! Some things still scare me a little (I’m also 25, dating a 35 year old), and anyone would be crazy to say that being married (or even engaged) before doesn’t affect him at all. Everything in our lives affects us, whether we want it to or not… for me, the kicker is how they let it affect them. Do they take it and become a better person or bitter? It’s their choice — so no, it’s not too big of a change to overcome, he just needs to be the one to do it. Remember that you can’t fix anything for him. 

Post # 19
Member
3242 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I’ve also dated two men who had broken engagements. One proposed to me sweetly and I had to decline. The other I married. It does not always have to scare a man off. I do not think a past failed relationship should doom all others. He has to figure out whether he is going to let fear ruin his happy ending or not. He has to decide on his future. With you. Meaning he has to man up and stop living in the past. You are not her. You do not therefore deserve her punishments.

Post # 20
Member
7150 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

My Fiance was engaged to his last serious girlfriend before me… even though she was 4 years prior.  She is the mother of his child, and they were engaged for a year and a half with no plans for a wedding besides that they were going to wait until he got out of the military.  She moved on base with him when she was pregnant, but when their child was 1-year-old, she moved back home and drained his bank account.

I was never worried about him being scarred from the broken engagement, because he always tells me when we get in a discussion about the relationship that they really just aren’t meant to be together (even though they get along great – but her and I get along great too).  What I was always worried about was the sharing finances thing… I wanted to make sure he could trust me, but really it was my fear, not his.  

When I met him, he was convinced that he wasn’t going to meet anyone, then he was just going to marry anyone that crossed his path by the time he was 30.  Looks like I swooped in on time.  He was ready to find someone to spend the rest of his life with, but not overly eager ๐Ÿ˜‰  we were engaged around our 22-month mark.

Post # 22
Member
261 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

My fiancé was engaged before we got together. I knew him at that time but there was zero chemistry between us then. She was a complete bitch and cheated on him so obviously he broke it off. We started dating less than a year after he dumped her. He told me that he never actually proposed though really. It was more that she took him to a store and pointed out a ring and said “I want that one.” 

He was never scared of or standoffish about marriage though. He talked about it more than I did!

Post # 23
Member
136 posts
Blushing bee

My SO wasn’t engaged before me, but I was engaged before. And we broke it off. It didn’t affect how I feel about marriage at all since the reason I didn’t with my ex was because I knew it wasn’t right. It’s right with my SO ๐Ÿ™‚

I’m sure your SO feels the same too! ๐Ÿ™‚

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