- 3 years ago
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 15 months. We live together for the past 6 months and bought a house. I’m 34 and he is 32. Marriage is important to me and I wouldn’t feel happy without that commitment. We don’t plan to have kids. We would just elope. He won’t honestly discuss marriage with me.
After some arguing, he said IF he does propose it would be within another year or two. His reason is finances and not feeling “ready”. He has said he does want to marry me. He doesn’t like to talk about anything specific because he says it’s not romantic and he wants to do it on his own terms without pressure. I’m so envious of girls who have a boyfriend that will give them real timelines and even take them to look at rings!
For the longest time he said he doesn’t believe in rings, how it’s so much money, etc… Admittedly I do want a ring. It has been my dream to be proposed to with a pretty ring. It doesn’t have to be super expensive, but he does make a good amount of money and spends thousands on electronics and a big truck. But the fact he makes such a big deal about a ring makes me sad.
Last month he gave me a “promise” ring and said he promised he would ask me soon. It was a spur of the moment thing probably to keep me quiet, and not expensive…like a $20 silver ring. I thought it was cute at the time. But honestly I’m 34, not in high school… He also put it on my finger at midnight while we were both sleeping. Like he was too embarrassed to do it during day hours and have to look me in the eyes.
I stopped talking about it for maybe a month until I got frustrated again. He showed me text messages from the previous month with his best friend saying how he plans to do it within maybe a year, and asking his friend where he bought his ring, saying at least he knows my ring size now, and that he’s trying to find out what rings I like (he never asked me about rings this past month so I don’t know how he’s doing that). I also caught him looking at rings on his phone. I asked him if he wants me to pick but he said no, just got embarrassed and closed his phone.
After seeing those text messages, I felt bad and stopped talking about it for another month. We went out for dinner one night and he started saying…in a couple months from now if he loses weight, will I… I thought he was going to mention something about our relationship! I was excited! Then I couldn’t believe the next words out of his mouth. He said if he loses weight, will I co-sign a loan for a $65k truck he wants to buy! I was very upset because I see how low priority saving money for marriage and a ring is to him. He has no plans to propose and get married any time soon if he wants to buy a new truck instead of paying off debt, which he claims is the barrier to getting married.
My boyfriend is really private and keeps his family out of his personal life, and I’ve never met his family. To be honest I don’t mind because they don’t speak English so I feel like they wouldn’t like me. Finally he tells me he is worried what his family will say if we just get married without inviting them to a wedding. He said he’s worried his parents will get crap from aunts/uncles if we don’t invite the extended family. He said he feels bad if he just tells friends he’s married without inviting them to a wedding since he’s been to their weddings. So I said we can have a small ceremony or after party? But he doesn’t want that because he doesn’t want to be the center of attention in front of a bunch of people. I understand because I don’t really want to be either. But it seems like he just doesn’t want to get married regardless?? He’s acting like “oh well, these problems are in the way so let’s just not do it at all”!
Then he tells me he wishes he could just get married and never tell anyone that he’s married. What?!?! I thought any guy who really loves their woman would want to share it with the world, not hide it in shame and embarrassment. Secret marriage…this is not what I dreamed of. He also said he feels too fat right now and knows I would want to have professional pictures taken of us as a couple together. We don’t have any nice pictures together…only a few selfies…which does make me sad.
I’m starting to give up hope of him wanting the same things that I want. Co-workers pressure me all the time about marriage too. I can’t help but get sad about it. I want to get married yesterday but he just doesn’t want to.
TLDR; Bf doesn’t want to tell people if we get married. Won’t propose because of $$$ but wants to spend 65k on truck? I’m stuck waiting on things that won’t change??