- Wedding: December 2017 - Friendship Plaza
I’ve been having a really hard time lately. Lately, as in, the past few days. I thought I was in a pretty good place, and now uncertainty and the lack of control is really getting to me.
We have the ring, and I’m just .. waiting. I’ve promised to not nag and pressure anymore, and he’s assured me he has a plan and to just let him do his thing. He has personal quirks and such but I know he’s 100% in, he’s just not felt the same kind of ‘LET’S GO!’ that I feel. A few months ago it was “I wouldn’t propose when my daughters are with us!” (August trip to NY). “I’m not going to do anything til the ring is paid off” (the ring was paid off in October). It was late October that I backed off ccompletely. Now we have a trip – just us- that we’re really excited about, at the end of this month (we leave in a week!).
I’d love to hope it’ll be on this trip, but… what if not? There’s no other perfect time that makes any sense. I’ve always said I wanted either a story or a nice setting (although I eventually just felt like some romantic words would do, a big laugh, and pop of the box). So if it’s not in Savannah, when or where the hell would it be? He’s said he has a plan, so what else is there?
A good friend is getting married in March, and I’ll be a bridesmaid, so I know he won’t do it ‘around’ then (as he should). Valentine’s Day just seems not his style, and by May it’s our birthdays. June is our 3rd year anniversary, but by then it’ll be a YEAR OF SITTING ON THE DAMN RING.
I know I’m working myself up – possibly for nothing – but I just really feel the need to … protect my heart. And I’m not sure how. Of course I will have to eventually say something if it’s not soon, but I’m not sure when, and it doesn’t help me feel.. protected. If that makes sense.
I just feel sad and helpless and all I want to do is just enjoy the trip. But if he’s not all in and chooses to treat our future like this, I just can’t abide by that and I don’t know how to do the daily life until I have that conversation.
I hate that this has become my obsession every day. I have OCD naturally, and it doesn’t help. If I were busier, that would help, and if it doesn’t happen this month, I know I’ll be throwing myself into work and other things when we get back, but the notion of knowing I *may* have an uncertain and possibly ugly conversation in the further-future fills me with anxiety.
Thanks for letting me vent.