(Closed) Waiting seems like forever… (Share Your Stories)

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee

I can defintely relate. My SO went through a bad divorce with his first wife. And I understand that. But I get REALLY fed up with him being held up on that fact. I try to tell him all the time that I am not her and to give me a chance. And he says he will and he wants to.

We’ve had arguements before.. most of them are just me speaking my mind. I’m a very high-strung, anxiety stricken girl. He always asks me to tell him how I feel about things, and when I do, he gets defensive and says things like “well you wonder why I haven’t proposed yet” or “you wonder why nothing worked out with any other guy you’ve been with” (which really hurt) and .. I just feel so stuck because it’s like I have to be on my best behavior or something. Or keep my mouth shut about how I really feel about situations. And that SUCKS! I hate having to feel like I have to earn it or something.

He did tell me I can expect a ring by nexy year. So there is hope ha. But I definetely feel like I set him back with things. Simple things like just being honest about how I feel during certain situations. He does not have the anxiety I do, so he doesn’t completely understand that.

There’s a 13 year age gap between us. I’m 25 and have never been married. So to me, this is a really big deal. I know it is to him also, but… you know.. he doesn’t want our marriage to end like theirs.

So ANYWAYS, ha, yes I am in the same boat. I can def relate!

Post # 4
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

He’s ‘delaying’ your proposal after a fight and you feel like he’s ‘testing’ you to see if you’re decent marriage material?!

I couldn’t play along with these games; what makes him so worthy of you afreeing to be his wife anyway? 

It does sound childish delaying the proposal- I would sit down, have a proper talk about your issues, and decide whether you’re in it for life or not! If you are both so serious I can’t see why one fight would change his mind about your future unless he was bluffing about it in the first place. All relationships have some arguments xx

 

Post # 6
Member
3308 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

foreverwaitingbee: What happened that caused you to distrust him?

It’s likely that he didn’t want to propose and seized on your argument as a reason for the delay. In effect he’s saying it’s your fault you’re not engaged. Not cool. 

ETA autocorrect strikes again

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Profile Photo doberman.
Post # 7
Member
550 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Friendship Plaza

I’ve been having a really hard time lately. Lately, as in, the past few days. I thought I was in a pretty good place, and now uncertainty and the lack of control is really getting to me.

We have the ring, and I’m just .. waiting. I’ve promised to not nag and pressure anymore, and he’s assured me he has a plan and to just let him do his thing. He has personal quirks and such but I know he’s 100% in, he’s just not felt the same kind of ‘LET’S GO!’ that I feel. A few months ago it was “I wouldn’t propose when my daughters are with us!” (August trip to NY). “I’m not going to do anything til the ring is paid off” (the ring was paid off in October). It was late October that I backed off ccompletely. Now we have a trip – just us- that we’re really excited about, at the end of this month (we leave in a week!).

I’d love to hope it’ll be on this trip, but… what if not? There’s no other perfect time that makes any sense. I’ve always said I wanted either a story or a nice setting (although I eventually just felt like some romantic words would do, a big laugh, and pop of the box). So if it’s not in Savannah, when or where the hell would it be? He’s said he has a plan, so what else is there?

A good friend is getting married in March, and I’ll be a bridesmaid, so I know he won’t do it ‘around’ then (as he should). Valentine’s Day just seems not his style, and by May it’s our birthdays. June is our 3rd year anniversary, but by then it’ll be a YEAR OF SITTING ON THE DAMN RING.

I know I’m working myself up – possibly for nothing – but I just really feel the need to … protect my heart. And I’m not sure how. Of course I will have to eventually say something if it’s not soon, but I’m not sure when, and it doesn’t help me feel.. protected. If that makes sense.

I just feel sad and helpless and all I want to do is just enjoy the trip. But if he’s not all in and chooses to treat our future like this, I just can’t abide by that and I don’t know how to do the daily life until I have that conversation.

I hate that this has become my obsession every day. I have OCD naturally, and it doesn’t help. If I were busier, that would help, and if it doesn’t happen this month, I know I’ll be throwing myself into work and other things when we get back, but the notion of knowing I *may* have an uncertain and possibly ugly conversation in the further-future fills me with anxiety.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Post # 8
Member
6061 posts
Bee Keeper

foreverwaitingbee:  Was this a major blowout/ huge red flag issue you’re trying to work out?

Because I can understand him wanting to take a step back if we’re talking about something major that shook the core of your relationship & you’re trying to rebuild trust, re-evaluate things etc.But if you’re talking about a run-of-the-mill should-be-over-it-by-now argument, I call b.s. & he’s either trying to pin the blame for his stalling on you or else he has such a highly unrealistic idealized version of marriage that he perceives any ripple in the water as a sign of incompatibility. 

Post # 9
Member
1988 posts
Buzzing bee

I waited on my ex.  Ultimately he didn’t propose because he didn’t want to marry me… as soon as that ended I met my wonderful fiance.  I’m making this story really short but your statement reminds me of something I felt around the time of my break-up.  I couldn’t totally blame my ex for wasting my time and making me wait.  I took an action too, the action of staying and waiting and even buying a house together when at a minimum we weren’t on the same page timeline wise and worse case scenario he wasn’t proposing because he didn’t want to marry me – which was the case.  Remember that you are making a choice here too, you are choosing to wait and you do have other options. 

Post # 10
Member
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2016 - Loveless Barn

Roxy0416:  Oh honey, this response made me so sad. How dare he say to you that no wonder it hadn’t worked out with anyone else. He’s toeing the line of emotional abuse. The man you marry should be the who can’t believe anyone else would let you go but is glad they did so he got a chance. You deserve that. 

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