Post # 1
I’m in a weird waiting stage bees. Like the title of my post says I’ve been waiting so long that I’ve passed through the excitement, and now I’m all the way to terrified. I can’t tell if it’s because of the stress I’ve recently been going through, or the countless marriages that fell apart around us this year, or just really letting the talk SO and I had about marriage several years ago where he confided that he doesn’t hold much value in marriage (because we have seen so many fall apart) sink in.
We’ve had many talks since then, and he says that he want kids, and wants to be married before kids, and has even let it slip this year that he’s been thinking of kids (which could mean an upcoming proposal in 2012. Figures he would probably propose once I had given up all hope and mentally adjusted to an idea of life without marriage, or at least without marriage for far longer than I had grown up thinking). But now, when I picture my wedding, I get this overwhelming feeling of dread and fear. Almost like a panic where I’m getting locked into something that I don’t want.
Don’t get me wrong, I lloovvee my boyfriend, and he loves me, but I just love the way we are now. Just boyfriend and girlfriend, here of our own free will so to speak, and not because we are legally bound. I feel stupid saying this out loud, but I know that the only way to work through this stage is to talk about it.
Has anybody else gone through this? What did you do in the mean time to keep sane? Did you just enjoy the break from the engagement insanity (referring to the “OMG, we have to get engaged NOW” phase)? Tell me I’m not alone…
Post # 3
I haven’t really gone through the same thing in terms of dread and fear, but I have gotten away from engagement insanity. Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy looking at wedding related things and love all things wedding, but I’m no longer feeling the overwhelming desire to be engaged NOW.
Last year around this time, I had a far greater urge to be engaged. I love SO deeply and want to marry him, but for now, I’m enjoying the relationship we have.
A few months ago, we talked about engagement, and we agreed that we will get engaged and married when the time comes. I’m trusting him to know when that time is and openly told him that. Right now, we love what we have and a proposal will not change how we feel about eachother.
Two of my good friends got engaged within the past month, and I am genuinely excited for them. I’m really excited to support them in their planning process and help in whatever way they need me. I literally jumped for joy when each of them shared the news with me!
The idea of SO and I getting engaged didn’t even enter my mind when I heard the news of my friends’ engagements. I’ve never been the jealous type, but I’m beginning to think that everything happens for a reason. Maybe I’m in this peaceful waiting stage because for now I’m supposed to be supportive of my friends and enjoy the relationship I have. That’s the best I can come up with for now. 🙂
What is meant to be will be. 🙂
The important thing is to be sure your SO is on the same page. You wouldn’t want him to think that your feelings about a wedding/marriage are a reflection of how you feel about him.
Post # 4
ya – i was in that stage of “it will happen when it happens” for the last year or so, and i just think during that time i’ve really reflected and taken to heart his fears and somehow made them my own. my mother’s on marriage #3, his parents have been separated for years, my best friend is going through a nasty divorce, my mom just finished her nasty divorce, my coworkers going through a nasty divorce, my coworkers neighbor is going through a nasty divorce, my other coworker is going through a nasty divorce (okay.. you get the picture).
i’ve been really stressed out with school, and work, and my own personal life, that I think i’ve just begun to cling to what’s comfortable. I dont think that i’m necessarily scared of marriage or a wedding/engagement, so much as just being scared of change. i’m trying to find a solid place in my life now, and the last thing i want is the one good think i have going for me to change in any way.
as for making sure we’re on the same page, i haven’t shared these sentiments with SO. i know that he’s not going to pop the question tomorrow, so i’m hoping by the time he’s ready, i’ll be ready again.
Post # 5
I haven’t had the same feelings of dread either. But wheneve I am less than totally stoked about getting engaged RIGHT NOW, I just enjoy it and know it will come back 🙂
Post # 6
I’ve been in the same funk lately. I’ve gone from getting impatient about a proposal to actually feeling relieved that I have some time between now and engagement to get myself established.
Sometimes I have the same fears as you do…we are so happy now, I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world if it would mean being unhappy like many of the married couples around us.
I hope it get over this soon…I love him and can’t picture life without him…but I don’t want any disillusionments about marriage to change what we have 🙁
Post # 7
I went in and out of these stages often, and I often wondered if I would even be super excited when he proposed or if I was over it. I would go through times when I would say, “let’s just not get married, ever”. I even had times where resentment built up so much from lack of proposal that I worried it wouldn’t go away. After I got engaged I was so excited, no resentment, and I was sure i wanted to get married.
Post # 8
Being afraid of change is normal. With all that you’ve got going on, I can see how the tought of engagement/marriage would be stressful! I can relate to that! I’m hoping to get into grad school near SO, but I won’t know if I’ve been accepted until Spring. Because I have no idea where I will be in 6 months, I’m finding it hard to even lock myself into a gym membership!
I don’t want to be engaged until I know for sure what my next step is going to be. Luckily, my SO agrees with this.
It seems like your relationship is one of the few areas of your life that is really solid right now. Maybe it would be best if you focus on your relationship and really enjoy what you have with your SO. This way you can feel good about having one area of your life REALLY solid. It sounds like maybe your relationship is the one thing in your life that hasn’t changed recently and you want to keep it that way at least until everything else has settled?
If that’s the case, I can REALLY relate!
I told SO a few months ago that I don’t feel the need to be engaged right now. The way I feel about him and us is the same regardless of our engagment status. That may change at a later date, but for now it doesn’t matter. I just feel like once you are engaged, everyone asks about the wedding date. Once you get married, people ask about kids. As I said, I don’t know where I’ll be 6 months from now, and the thought of dealing with all of that is just too much right now!
Right now, it’s kind of nice to not have to worry about the next step in our relationship. . .and the next, and the next, and the next! We’ve agreed to enjoy what we do have right now and are focusing on bettering our relationship. For now, that more than I can ask for. 🙂
Post # 9
@Starshollow: “I’ve gone from getting impatient about a proposal to actually feeling relieved that I have some time between now and engagement to get myself established.”
Me too. Heck! I’m 23! Most people I know my age can’t even see passed the ends of their own noses! I’m actually really enjoying this period; I have the best of both worlds. I have an amazing relationship, but at the same point I can still focus on myself and my goals and not feel the stigma independent married women sometimes face where everyone is telling them that they should be focused more on their husband’s. (Side note, I plan to continue being independent even after marriage. I hate how some people still hold onto that notion that when a woman gets married, she’s supposed to throw her life away for his.)
“I just feel like once you are engaged, everyone asks about the wedding date. Once you get married, people ask about kids.”
THIS! I hate that! It makes me feel so pressured. I just want to turn around on them and ask them when they’re going to start puberty/menopause/some other life changing event of their own. It will happen when it’s time. I’m in no rush – so why are you?
I don’t think I’ve actually been in the “need engagement NOW” phase for two years. I’m finally in a place of understanding that there’s no rush, and I have the confidence to understand that just because we aren’t engaged/married, our relationship isn’t any less serious.