Post # 1
I’ve been a little worried that Darling Husband has been re-thinking having children, period. A few of his closer friends and family are having babies and have been making some off-handish comments (specifically men) that they have “not time for anything anymore”, “no sleep” or “not having time for fun anymore”. Of course, none of them are regretting it, but it seems like they didn’t realize what they were getting into and/or didn’t realize how much time a newborn really takes up. Darling Husband has also been making comments to other friends that he doesn’t want to start having kids ‘til he’s 50 and ready to “settle down”.
So, I got a chance to talk to Darling Husband about it the other day. Straight up asked him if his stance on children has changed at all since some of the closest people around him are making comments like these. He said no, that he hasn’t really talked about it with them (I guess they only make the comments around me? Or, because I’m asking how the new LO is…), but it HAS made him realize that he’s definitely not ready and that he doesn’t think he’s “mature enough” to have a kid anytime soon. I didn’t understand what he meant by his maturity level, but he further explained that he’s not ready to give up his sleep (I interrupted there and said he will never get up with a child because he’s just not capable of anything in the middle of the night and early in the morning and that was my biggest fear. He absolutely agreed and also agreed that we might need my Mum to stay with us for a while to help out.) and in general his freedom. He still wants to be able to fly by the seat of his pants, make last minute plans and come home and not have to worry about a screaming LO. He said that he does think about WANTING children, just not now.
He then freaked out a bit and asked if I was having baby fever. I truthfully told him that it comes and goes, that I still want my freedom and sleep as well, but I see everyone else getting pregnant and having babies and sometimes it tugs at me. I told him that ideally, I would like to be done having babies before I’m 30 (I’m 23) and that I don’t want him to be an “old dad” like his father was, that I’d like him to see his children graduate, get married and have grand-babies.
I definitely feel like I’m going to go through a waiting stage for TTC, when I absolutely didn’t before we were engaged. I did tell Darling Husband what I told him while we were dating and talking about marriage that “I’ll be ready when you’re ready”. I’m just still unsure if our timeline’s are going to match. We definitely agreed that we both have to be absolutely ready to change EVERYTHING, not just one of us. But, I think I’m going to be ready before him and waiting for him to catch up, if he ever does…
Not sure what I wanted to achieve from this post… just to vent, maybe? I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this… Thanks for reading.
Post # 3
@CherryWaves: You say that you’re not 100% ready for kids yet, so maybe that’s a good thing.
How about you two sit down and map out the things you want to do before baby comes? Maybe you have a few trips in mind that would be best done before you have kids. Maybe one of you wants to go skydiving. That sorta thing. Sort of a bucket list. That could help make this waiting period a bit more fun.
Also practical things… like do you have a good savings cushion? Is your home ready for a baby? Are you headed in the right direction for all of those things? It’s entirely possible you’re doing much better than I was at 23 (I just finished university and was in my first real job), but I know that having kids is a heck of a lot easier if you’re not pinching pennies. Talk to your Darling Husband about this and make sure you have realistic savings goals that will allow you to have kids no problem before you’re 30.
I think it’s all about compromise. You’re 23 now and want to be done by the time you’re 30. So we’re talking at least another 4-5 years before you start trying (assuming you want 2 kids)? Lots can and will change by then.
I know it’s tough to not be able to have something when you want it, but I really think you should just try to enjoy some more time together as a married couple. Enjoy being 23. Establish your career. Do some traveling. You have loooots of time before you need to have kids.
I’m 27 and I’d like to have a kid around 30-31 but it still scares the crap out of me. I am not sure I will EVER be ready, but I don’t want to be an old mom either, and my bf is 14 years older than me, so yeah. I think there will always be a bit of compromise. I tend to focus on the negatives of having kids right now as well (like your DH)… but I am slowly realizing that the newborn stage doesn’t actually last THAT long. I don’t really like babies… but they do grow SO fast. Maybe you could try telling him that sorta thing and it might make him move along a little faster.
Post # 4
I’m in the “waiting” stage of TTC too. We want to be married a few years before starting a family. I get baby fever off and on and like to dream about it but in reality we have house projects to work on, and careers to spend time getting experience and financial stability. Right now all my friends are married or engaged with upcoming weddings. I’m 24, Darling Husband 25. I’m sure once they start getting pregnant it will be much harder to wait but we have a plan and I don’t want to feel pressured by others who are ready when I’m not quite there yet. We just need to enjoy marriage and doing fun things with our freedom while we can! 😉
Post # 5
@canarydiamond: Thanks for the insight! I have thought about most of those things, that’s why I also want to wait. We do have a few things we want to accomplish, splurge on, vacations to go on and just be newlyweds together. I do like the idea of mapping it out together, I think I’ll mention it to him.
I personally want to wait for a couple years. It just seems like he would rather wait MUCH longer. Maybe things will change… maybe I’ll change my mind, or his will.
Post # 6
@MrsFairyBee: All of DH’s friends and family, and a few of my older cousins and friends are having babies, so that may be pushing my baby fever, but I try to keep it under wraps by reminding myself that we can sleep in or just decide to go out tonight without having to worry about getting a babysitter.
I think we need to set a plan as well, but Darling Husband is so “fly by the seat of his pants” I’m not sure how he’d take it.
Post # 7
We went through the waiting to TTC stage too while I was finishing up my degree late last year/early this year. No bones about it, it sucks. I was ready, Fiance was ready, but the time just wasn’t right. Now that I’m working full time and have insurance the time is right we are trying. If I’m a pregnant bride then I’ll just have to be a pregnant bride. I wanted the baby more than the wedding anyway.
What concerns me is that he’s not sure when he’ll be ready. You didn’t say how old he is, and that makes a difference. At least he’s not saying “no kids, ever.” That’s a good sign. I think you need to sit down and have a real conversation about if/when you are going to start having children. Make sure that he knows you only have X number of years of fertility. Most guys realize this, but see 40+ year old celebrities have kids and don’t realize how much money/time it takes at an advanced maternal age. You are lucky that you are young. I’m 30 now so I’ve definitely been hearing the clock ticking for a bit.
Post # 8
@Sugaree: Sending lots of sticky baby dust to you!
Darling Husband is 30, so not “old” but not getting any younger. I think we do need to sit down and talk a lot more seriously about it, but I’m going to let him think about what I said for a little while before bombarding him again.
Post # 9
I totally understand. We, too, are in the waiting stage of TTC. We’ve been married for a year and a half, the friends have started having babies, we own our home, and are doing well in our careers. Only one thing stands in the way: I’m not yet done with school. I have baby fever so bad, like it’s all I think about, literally! Every month, I get so upset when AF comes, because I totally would not mind a surprise (even though I would never try for it on purpose!).
Either way, Darling Husband is not quite there yet. For a while, he wouldn’t even talk about a TTC timetable with me (to even say that in 5 years we’ll have a baby, etc)! Finally after an afternoon spent with friends who just had a baby, over which they are smitten, he finally said that he wanted to start trying when we are 27 (not too far away). Let me tell you, as SOON as he said that, baby fever got a little bit better. I think I was having a lot of anxiety over wondering if he’d EVER be ready, since he wasn’t even willing to discuss it at all.
With that being said, if I have any advice at all to give, I’d have to say that if you could have an honest conversation and dialogue about it, that could alleviate some of the desires you are having. It did for me, at least. Don’t get me wrong, I still think about it all. the. time. But at least I know it WILL happen one day. 🙂
Post # 10
I totally feel like I’m in a waiting phase. We are going to try in the spring but it seems so far away.
at some point in the next few months talking about a very general timeline and bucket list to dos before baby would be a good idea for you, agree about waiting a bit after the conversation you just had.
i say it’s a good idea to talk because it appears some men just keeping thinking that yes they want kids in the future but never realize they have to actually decide on a point in the future. Darling Husband is 41 in less than a month and I’m 38, we don’t have any kids but we do want some. Based on talks with Darling Husband, he would wait another few years because yes he wants them, but in the future. this in the future business seems to be some fairyland time that is miles down the road ( I don’t know if in his fairyland vision of the future we are the same age as we are now or what lol!).
I’ve had to navigate the whole actually picking a point in time very delicately so he doesn’t see it as pushing but honestly, how many years would he let go by before he decided he was ready if i never brought it up. I really think he would just keep thinking it would still happen for years to come. he is aware of the biology/age factor, but seemingly that doesn’t apply to us in his mind.
I’m getting antsy because leaving it too much later is not an option for me. I already have little desire to be hauling my almost 40 yr self in and out of bed and be slaving over diapers and piles of laundry, let alone at almost 50 having to potentially be dragging myself and kids to hockey arenas at 5am on saturdays. I could cry thinking about it lol!!
So yeah, a situation I never thought I’d be in (didn’t expect marriage and kids to be options at this age) but here we are and if spring doesn’t hurry up and get here I will just get more frustrated and consider even more just pulling the plug on the whole thing. Darling Husband REALLY does want kids though so …arrrghhhh.