(Closed) Waiting Stress! How can you talk about life-circumstances ultimatums?

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

You’ve been together 6 months.  No ultimatums.  Pick your postdoc based on what’s best for you.  He’ll follow if it’s meant to be.  I’m sure you can find 2 separate apartments in the new city.  Don’t force it.  I was engaged after a year of dating and we started talking about it a couple of months in.  No pressure needed.  He wanted to do it so he did.  

Post # 3
Member
1980 posts
Buzzing bee

Personally… I wouldn’t give an ultimatum to get engaged. You haven’t been together that long – you’re still figuring things out. Honeymoon phase. Give it time. If you love this person and know you will spend the rest of your lives together, then technically being engaged doesn’t matter so much. If you want to be engaged because you think it will change something and make something different, it doesn’t.

But the bottom line is, do what is best for you, your career, and your future. Being engaged or not should have nothing to do with it. If your relationship is strong enough for marriage, you’ll survive whatever you have to do.

Post # 4
Member
2160 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Have a conversation with him about it without giving ultimatums. Tell him that you need to think about what to do about your post-doc situation, that you have these two options. Ask him what his opinion is you on taking the post-doc offer in the other city. Ask him if he would be willing to consider moving. Tell him that you would be willing to also consider taking the post-doc opportunity in the city that you’re currently in, but that you’d like to be certain that he sees a future with you in it if you’d be staying. .. Like..just have a chat about it 🙂 

There’s no reason to give him an ultimatum at this point but it’d be good to have his opinions. And regaridng living together, while I understand your reasoning about engagement and living together, at the same time sometimes living together can be a very practical decision that will enable you to get to know each other even better, so I wouldn’t totally write that option off. I bought a flat with my now-husband before we were engaged, because it made sense for us given our current job/financial/living situation circumstances. 

The main thing is for you both to be certain that you see a future with each other.. and that doesn’t necessarily go hand-in-hand wiht an engagement ring.. the engagement ring can come a little further down the line.

Post # 6
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Just try to be as open as possible without obsessing. I am a planner, too, and it kills me not to know these things in advance, but the truth is there is no point trying to make this huge decision about your relationship before it’s an issue.

To me, it seems like you are trying to go the OPPOSITE way of your previous relationship (fell into marriage because it was the next logical step) by doing everything super deliberately. There’s nothing wrong with that, but you might be missing out on getting closer to your current boyfriend because you’re afraid of just falling into marriage again. However, I would submit that getting engaged because you’re moving is just as bad. If you rush the timeline, for any reason (we live together, I’m moving out of the country, his parents want us to be married, etc) you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. You could date long distance, you could take a break until you get back, you could decide to stay, but whatever you do, it shouldn’t be predicated on whether you’re engaged or not.

Post # 7
Member
521 posts
Busy bee

I agree with others- I definitly wouldn’t give an ultimatum when you have only been together for 6 monthd- to me as a man, that would be like “run!” Not necessarily the fact of 6 months, but an ultimatum after 6 months. 

 

And dont throw away your postdoc plans for the future etc just for the fact of being engaged; that shouldnt truly change anything if your fiance is in love with you and committed to make it work, it will wor, regardless of you being engaged or not.

Post # 9
Member
256 posts
Helper bee

Glad it all worked out. =)

Post # 10
Member
2698 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

View original reply
confusedgirl99:  First off go do your postdoc where you will have the best chance at a high paying job. Your career is the most important thing right now, you’re 26 and you’ve been dating this guy for six months, it’s not time to plan your life around him. 2. If he wants you to move in he should propose, end of story. As to wanting to marry him, you’re six months into this, relax. Finish your degree and get a job, see what’s out there a bit. When I finished my grad degree I realized and finally got a job, I realized how much I wasn’t ready to be tied down. Enjoy that time, it’s some of the best of your life. You have your whole life to be married, enjoy the success you’ve worked SO hard for.

Post # 11
Member
964 posts
Busy bee

I’m finding it weird that both of you have an either/or outlook on your postdoc. Why can’t it be both? It just seems strange that he would assume you’ll give up a postdoc to marry him. Can he not go with you to wherever that needs to take place? Or do long-distance? Or something?

Post # 12
Member
3219 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

You have worked your ass off for years to get to this stage of your Ph.D.  Are you sure you want to give up the flexibility a post doc would give you in terms of exoerience and future employment for any guy, even a fiancé or husband? 

I know plenty of post docs living in a different city than their spouse/partner for the time it took for them to complete their post doc. They saw their spouses as often as possible, knew it was temporary, and dealt with the circumstances.

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