(Closed) Waiting too long! About to bust a gut!

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
5 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2015 - Mulberry Art Studios

@rachael_steve:  Wow! You sound exactly like me. My now FI and had been together for 7 1/2 years, we broke up because we were so frustrated with each other. From years 5-7 we argued like mad, and though we spent a lot of time together it was more for show and out of comfort. While we were apart we both realized that none of the petty stuff mattered anymore and we just wanted each other. So we got back together. But of course everywhere we went (weddings, birthdays, barbecues…) “When are you guys getting married?!?” I understand your frustration. Plus, my mother and two of my uncles are Pastors, so they have the ability to marry us.

I told him that I refused to be with him for another year without at least talking about getting engaged (he hated talking about it before the breakup). He started opening up a little more and we discussed it openly, and without arguments. I gave him a deadline of August 2013. He proposed May 12 2013.

I’m not saying you guys should break up. But sometimes guys are only receptive to loss. I used to cry myself to sleep, than wake up “happy” because I didn’t want to seem like a needy, whiny girlfriend. I kept a smile on my face to hide the pain of feeling “not good enough” or rejected. I made excuses for his lack of response to proposing.

All I have to say is that patience is definitely a virtue and if he’s The One, then your going to have to stick it out until he works up the nerve.

I hope this allows you to see that you’re not alone with your feelings, and that there are other Bees out there that know exactly what you’re going through. Good luck! Be strong!

Post # 4
Member
1379 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Oh man, I feel ya girl! For whatever its worth, I feel this way sometimes after only three years, I think you have every right to be feeling a little anxious at seven!!

It can be so frustrating to wait on a man’s time. I know I’ve talked about it with my other half and what I get from him is that he’s just so secure and comfortable with our relationship he doesn’t feel like he needs a “contract” to seal the deal.Which on one hand is a nice and comforting thing to hear, at least its because he’s secure, not because he doesn’t want it! If yur man is actively talking about weddings with good intention, I would try to buckle down and see where he takes it. Men have their own schedules, their own plans. And we want them to be ready and sure too right?

About six months ago, I was getting really antsy. A dear friend who’d been with another dear frriend for less than a year got engaged (I am over my green envy monster now and SO excited for them both! They are both beautiful people who 100% deserve their slice of happiness) and I, for the first time, realized that I wanted a ring and a wedding to my love! It kind of came out of nowhere (even for me) We talked about it, it was as a big a surprise  to him as it was to me. We talked about how it wasn’t neccessary but it was something I want. We talked about eloping, and how I would really like my dads to walk me down the aisle. We talked about rings and finances (and have since had rings passed on to us) and we talked about how if it is important to me then it should be important to me that it is something that he wants and is ready for too. He said “give me a year or two” and so I agreed and I sat back and shut up.

He is so right about the on my time thing. Even though I never (ever) saw myself with someone for up to five years without a ring, I think its worth the wait to be totally and utterly surprised, and to know that he did it because he wants YOU. Not bcause he was trying to appease you or get you off his back but because he decided, on his own, that he wants to marry you. I know at first when I got wedding desires, I thought I didn’t even care. Heck, I was almost ready to ask myself! But then I slowly realized that this was about US and he is sch a huge part of that, I need to consider his feelings too.

For my SO, his parents have been together forever (well not forever but since high school) and because of that, they were together seven or eight years before they eloped. And his big  sister also married her high school sweet heart after seven years so in his mind, I’m way early on this whole engagement thing. And in my mind, he’s way late. It’s all about perspective. And he also has a valid point in that those long relationships before egagement are the healthiest and strongest examples of relationships in our lives, and we are blessed to have that exposure. Maybe there is something to be said for sticking it out!

If he’s the love of your life and worth waiting for, just keep doing what you’re doing and he’ll figure it out.He knows what you want, talks about it and it sounds like maybe he is just waiting for the right or special moment to make it perfect. Try to keep your sanity s the moment can be as special as you always wanted!

I know I dn’t have any real ways to stop the gen envy mnster (besides what you’re already doing) but I wanted to assure you that you’re not alone, its fair to be frustrated but worth waiting for the right man! In this bees opinion anyway!

Good luck with your waiting friend! I hope he steps up soon 🙂

Post # 5
Member
482 posts
Helper bee

@weaselbeans:  I’m with you on the loss thing. Sometimes you have to shake Things up, instead of staying stagnant with him putting off moving forward. I was with my guy for nearly 6yrs, with no progress on the marriage front no matter how many talks I had with him. I finally reached my breaking point and left him. Started to move on, focused on myself, hanging out with friends. 

All while he would ring me, text me, I ignored it all as just a ploy for him to get me back without actually commiting. A few weeks later he showed up at my doorstep with a ring box. I didn’t take him back though. He still contacts me..

I resented having to jump through so many hoops to get married to him when it should’ve been easy. The whole process shouldn’t have been me pulling teeth to get him on the same page with me. 

I know you love this guy obviously but if marriage is important to you do yourself a favor and give yourself a timeline for how much longer you’re willing to stay, especially if you want kids someday. Don’t waste your pretty.

 

Post # 6
Member
4419 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 1997

Everyone will feel differently about this, but if marriage is important to you and a part of your plan for the future, don’t wait forever. Decide how long you are willing to wait based on YOU, YOUR feelings and YOUR timeline. It isn’t an ultimatum so much as it is a logical plan for your life. The man you are with is clearly comfortable with the situation the way it is now and he sees no reason to change. I am not suggesting you twist his arm for an engagement; forcing someone into something rarely turns out well. But watch out for you and make yourself and your goals the priority. If he isn’t fitting into your plan for the future or your goals, then don’t waste your time. It is painful to move on, but when the alternative is writing another post like this and substituting 10 years for 7 then I think the choice is pretty clear.

Post # 7
Member
241 posts
Helper bee

@rachael_steve:  did you ever discuss marriage.. Like if he wants to get married in the future (without mentioning the timeline). 

I’m sorry you are feeling like this.. I’m with my bf for 5 years.. We have talked about it and have a timeline. But honestly.. If he was against marriage I wouldnt ever consider leaving him because I have no doibts about his commitment. You need to decide how you feel too.. Is marriage a dealbreaker for you?? If so then you need to bring it up.

 

good luck 🙂

Post # 8
Member
1673 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Advice, I has it!

I was in exactly your shoes. 7 and then even 8 years together. Fighting back tears randomly. Anxious to mention it. Full of hidden rage when we were questioned about it. Literally about to beat them with the nearest object, that about sums it up. SO RUDE. I know now that I will never ever give anyone the third degree about getting married.

He seemed into the idea of a future together. But wouldn’t discuss marriage easily. Wtf? So instead of giving him an ultimatum, which I think is way uncool… I gave myself one, kind of…

ADVICE: Give yourself a date to reassess things. I did this probably 3 or 4 times without having to use my serious face. This was for me, not him.

If by X date, he hasn’t opened up a bit on the subject, I will FORCE a serious discussion. I will tell him what I haven’t- that he has seriously jeopardized our relationship. I might break up with him. Shit will get real.

On X date, I will think about it seriously with myself. Does he seem more open to the idea? Are we moving forward? Even a bit? If the answers are yes, I will let it go. When I was frustrated again, I set a new date. 

Eventually, it became clear that we would get married at some point. But I was still so frustrated about it. It was easier to talk about getting engaged at this point, so I told him that I was getting impatient. That I really wanted to marry him. Then I told him (good naturedly) that he probably only had a year left if HE wanted to do the proposing. After that he would be in danger of receiving one instead! 

11 months later, he asked me to show him which rings I liked. I didn’t propose one year after I threatened to because I truly believed that it was coming. It took another 5 months.

tl,dr: Consider the advice paragraph. I coped by taking back some control over the engagement.

Post # 9
Member
221 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

It does make me think whats wrong with me.

Nothing is wrong with you or him. In my opinion you want something and he does not want the same thing.

Post # 10
Member
1770 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1997

@NickiBee:  +1

@echomomm:  +1

@rachael_steve:  you’re asking for advice for the wrong thing! You want to know how to deal with the green eyed monster as everyone else gets engaged around you! Of course you’re jealous, it’s been 7 years, SEVEN YEARS already! Oh hon!  Find someone who loves you as much as you love him.

The topic ‘Waiting too long! About to bust a gut!’ is closed to new replies.

Get our weekly roundup of the best of Weddingbee.
I agree to receive emails from the site. I can withdraw my consent at any time by unsubscribing.

Find Amazing Vendors