Post # 1
my boyfriend and i have been dating for over six years and are both in our late twenties. for the majority of our relationship we were long distance because of the nature of my work and its requirements for travel. in january of last year he purchased a house and we’ve been living together since. a few months after moving in, he expressed concern about our living arrangement. he was upset that i was only home on the weekends and he didn’t see how we would could carry on this way, especially when we had a family in the future. i agreed, and ended up leaving my (very kushy and promising job) for a position more local to where we lived. the pay was significantly less, but the hours were more reasonable, there was no travel, and i was able to spend more time with my boyfriend, so all in all, i thought it balanced out. i was under the impression from our conversations that this decision would put us in a place for the natural next step of our relationship – engagement.
a year passes.. a year and a half passes.. time keeps passing and here we are still just boyfriend and girlfriend. i have had conversations in the past with him and have expressed how i feel about our situation. earlier this year i have asked him if he wasn’t sure that i was the one that he needed to let me know. he said he knew i was and he was happy that i had those tough conversations with him because he just needed the little push. we went ring shopping shortly after our ‘talk’. we picked a ring out together and he told the jeweler he’d pick up another time when i wasn’t with him. this was four months ago. he just keeps on saying he’s busy with work, he’s busy with [insert excuse here] and he just needs more time.
i know it’s not right, but i find the more time that passes the more i begin to resent him for the decisions and sacrifices i’ve made for him and for our relationship. i moved south, i changed jobs, i made all the sacrifices. i made the commitment to him last year when i did all of these things.. LAST YEAR. if he’s not sure, if he’s not ready, if he just doesn’t want me – i just want to know. it may seem ridiculous to some, but i set a deadline for myself – if we were not engaged by my birthday this year i would call it quits. my birthday just passed recently..
i’m writing here because i need advice. i know there must be other bees out there who have had/are in similar situations. i cry over this a lot. i know crying doesn’t do me any good, but i can’t help but cry because this hurts so much. if you think i’m an idiot or dumb or whatever other negative term you want to call me, please keep it to yourself. i’m already at a low point and i’m looking for support and constructive advice. i can’t keep going on this way.
Post # 3
I’d give him two more months and then I’d leave.
Sorry! WB cut me off!
But you did your work. You talked to him about it. You got reassurance. He even took you ring shopping. And now he is stalling. You made it clear what your plans were. Some people will say to let him know what your deadline is. To me, that’s unfair pressure. Instead, I think you should know that 4 months is a long time to go pick up a ring. He has had time to do it right and it hasn’t happened.
In two months, it will be 6 months since you shopped. Unless he is planning a holiday proposal, you should take that as a hint and get the f out of there.
Post # 4
He needs to make a decision. You gave him the upper hand by doing everything he wanted you to – moving in with him, sacrificing your career without a commitment from him, waiting on him years, etc. I’m not criticizing you as you didn’t do anything wrong. He, however, is basically using you. Why should he rock the boat when things, to him, are just peachy? So, I would tell him that after all the sacrifices you’ve made, it’s time for him to step up and decide what he wants. Maybe he just needs another, serious jolt to his status quo and he’ll come around. Best of luck!
Post # 5
I am so sorry you are going through this! It sounds like you value the relationship quite a bit since you’ve already made so many sacrifices for him, and it doesn’t sound like you want to leave… But it also sounds like you’ve been more than fair in laying out your expectations. I don’t believe in giving someone an ultimatum, but perhaps it is time for a very serious discussion in which you lay out the options. I am sure he would hate to lose you, but you need to know whether he just needs more time to make a few arrangements before proposing, or if he’s stalling because he’s not ready or is unsure. I can’t think of any way to broach the topic without it sounding like an ultimatum, but perhaps if you just tell him that you had this internal timeline, and you’re willing ot stick around if he has something in the works, but if he’ll need much more time then perhaps it would be best for you two to take a break, or for you to live on your own for a time while you are still together? I don’t think I have a good answer to this, and honestly it sounds like you two have had this type of conversation before, but I’d hate to see you walk away if he did have something planned for a month or two from now. Good luck!
Post # 6
I was in a similar situation with my Fiance when he asked me to move across the country with him to pursue his dream job…which meant me leaving *mine*. He assured me we’d get engaged “soon.” 9 months into that arrangement, we still were not engaged, and decided to move back to our home state. I assumed we’d be getting engaged shortly thereafter.
Over a year after THAT, he proposed. I believe/believed him when he said there was always a reason that kept him from being able to get the ring, etc.
Part of me wants to give you the advice to take his word for it…but then I see you’ve been together 6 *years*.
I dont know, OP. I feel like he could have legitimate reasons for not having bought the ring yet…but I feel like a conversation is in order just in case.
Post # 7
Honestly, I think you should leave. Not because he’s waiting too long to propose, but because you’re having second thoughts about your relationship because he’s not proposing.
I honestly don’t think I would have left my now fiance even if he hadn’t proposed for years and years. I was ready for a proposal 2 years before he was ready to propose. He knew this, but wasn’t going to rush it before he was ready. Was I anxious? Yes! But I never thought to call it quits because he’s the only person I could ever picture myself with- married or not. Now, our situations are different because I didn’t make the sacrifices you did, so I can’t imagine your frusturation level compared to what mine was.
I’m not saying that you’re in the wrong for being super frusturated and upset- I totally get that!! I would be too. But when frusturated/upset leads to feeling like you’re ready to just leave… maybe he’s not the right one for you.
Post # 8
So . . . you gave up an awesome, cushy, lucrative job because your boyfriend was mad you weren’t spending enough time with him? Uh, sorry. You screwed up. I would never, let me repeat NEVER make a major job change or living arrangement change for anyone but a husband. Period.
You’ve let him talk you into changing jobs and moving in with him, and you’ve gotten exactly what that YOU want? Oh yeah. He keeps promising you a ring and not giving you one. He’s got everything he wants. What motivation does he have to change the status quo?
This story gets told on this site over, and over, and over.
Post # 9
+1 I would leave. He hasn’t changed anything. You changed EVERYTHING.
Post # 10
It’s time for you to sit down with him and put all your cards on the table, let him know how you feel and what you want, and if he doesn’t take steps to change it then it’s time to walk. Good Luck!
Post # 11
@loulou_321: you know your boyfriend best. I know sometimes we vent on here all the bad stuff and take biased advice then. In your heart do you genuinely feel like this relationship is going nowhere? I’ve had some pretty shady thoughts on my own relationship in the past year but most of that comes back to my impatience. I also moved for my SO so have a bit of a hard done by feeling too. i have a better job now but I left my family and sometimes it does feel like ok I have given up all that show me the commitment please! I had a pretty big row with my SO after venting on here a few months back. I was convinced that he was no good and to leave him. He broke down and was about to tell me the date he planned to propose. I nearly screwed that up. Some men work slower than we do,yes you went ring shopping 4 months ago so he could have something in the works. So follow your guy you know your relationship better
Post # 12
follow your gut not guy! But maybe your guy too 🙂
Post # 13
My advice always (unless there’s physical violence, which it’s not your case) is to talk before walking away.
I mean, you’ve been together for 6 years, and just calling it quits after all you’ve been through as a couple doesn’t seem like the best option to me.
Tell him what you want, don’t talk about deadlines or ultimate dates – that’s a bit too scary! – but let him know that you really want to marry him, that you know he is the man you want to share the rest of your life with, to have kids with… And maybe ask him why he is not sure when you are. And let him answer back. (he doesn’t need a lot of time to think about that, maybe 5 minutes? He knows if he really wants to get married or if he is just playing).
P.S.: If this can help you, I don’t think that the time you’ve been together has anything to do with this decision. I know that in the US and the UK it’s common to have shorter relationships, but that’s not the case everywhere. In Spain, many couples stay together for over 10 years before getting married, and it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other, but each couple is different and each couple has its own timing!
Post # 14
I know you’ve already passed your own internal ‘walk’ date. It’s hard to know how to have such a conversation without it seeming like an ultimatum. I think I would maybe put off an absolute decision until after the holidays. They’re not that far off and he may be pointing towards a holiday engagement.
I wish you luck.
Post # 15
@loulou_321: I understand very well how you are feeling from previous experience. First of all, do not resent him. That will only hurt you, not him. You must begin by owning the decisions you made but do not beat yourself up for it. You have carried the relationship on your back and made sacrifices out of blind love and a determination to make it work. What you ignored was that no one can MAKE a relationship work for two people. Each must be equally committed and devoted. However, at the end of the day, he did not force you to quit your job, move, etc. So first take a deep breath and admit that you have been human and you made a mistake when judging his intentions.
Secondly, the timing of his actions show his insincerity. He only agreed to go look at rings shortly after your “talk”. And he had the unmitigated nerve to tell you he appreciated you “pushing” him. That is such a huge load of cow dung and it literally stinks. Trust that a real man who 100% wants to marry you does not need convincing or persuading if it is genuine and he doesn’t wait for you to initiate but instead starts the conversations with you.
You cannot change the past. But beginning today you can show him and yourself the strong and confident woman you are a helluva lot better than you can tell him. Your actions will always speak louder than any words just as his inaction has shown you where he stands. Stop crying around him. If you must let it out do it in your car, at the park or somewhere else. He should never feel like he has the power to make you cry. Do not mention marriage or weddings to him. Put your shoulders back and head up! Make sure you are dressing and looking amazing for yourself not for him. He has made a huge mistake by taking you for granted.
Lastly, to thine own self be true. Your internal deadline has passed. Don’t make another mistake by lingering. You will only resent yourself more. Begin quietly looking for another place to live. In the meantime stay cool and calm and contented. He will never guess that you’re at peace because you’ve taken your power back. Put down a deposit and when he’s not there to interfere move out with help. When he calls in a panic inform him that you left because you need some space and the relationship is not fulfilling your needs. Do NOT mention weddings or marriage. If he asks if that’s what it is, just tell him you two are not on the same page with how your lives are unfolding. He’s not stupid. Let him figure it out so you can’t be accused of giving him an ultimatum. Then don’t answer anymore of his calls, emails or texts. Start strengthening your self esteem and going out with friends to remember you are a desirable woman who deserves a man who wants the same thing she does.
If it also helps after you move out then you can add that you need some time and don’t want to be exclusive any longer and will let him know if or when you want to be in contact but make no promises. He no longer gets to waste another second of your time. You are in charge. Not him. You will respect yourself and he will respect you as well.
If he attempts to propose marriage right away then be wary of accepting without a wedding date that takes place within less than 2 years and a ring. If you do accept a proposal I would not move back in before he actually puts his money where his mouth is, which means a deposit on a venue and an announcement to family. All of this should be happily done by him. If he seems conflicted, depressed, unsure or flip flops back to not being ready leave and NEVER look back. That would be his last chance.
Post # 16
@loulou_321: fabulous advice from @evrnenpaul:
Heres another thought :
6 yrs, both late 20’s. To heck w/ the fairytale proposal you’re obviously hoping for. Ask him to marry you, have a CLOSE date in mind (less than 6 months away) When he says “ok” to someday for the future, tell him the exact date then START MAKING ARRANGEMENTS FOR YOUR WEDDING.
Whether he wants to marry you or not will become quite clear very quickly.
I hope it works out for you with him because clearly based on all your sacrifices, you are crazy about him.No matter what though, love yourself and don’t waste too many of your child bearing years in a dead end relationship.