(Closed) waiting too long – should i call it quits

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
Member
365 posts
Helper bee

i’m sorry but I might go against the crowd.

i’ve been with SO for almost 6 years now. Last year and earlier this year, I was in the same place as you. There was a point that I even had put applications for a new apartment because I was so set on leaving. 

I’ve snapped at him, yelled at him, I’ve vented at my girlfriends about it, and I’ve pinned just about every pinterest pin there was to pin.

Then I broke down. I cried. Ugly cried, and I told him everything I was feeling, right down to every piece of animosity I felt towards him and how he kept blowing me off and saying I was being stupid for feeling the way I feel. And then I gave him a timeline. “I want to have kids by such and such age and I am not going to be an unmarried woman.” and then I told him that if he was not on board with me, that he should just let me go so I can find someone else to plan my future with.

once everything was on the table, out there in the open, and I knew he knew how I felt, I demanded to know how he felt, because it was only fair.

and then he spilled his guts. 

And then we had an understanding.

 

it’s been 7 months since this all went down. My walk date actually passed the other day, but I have no intention of leaving. We’re currently waiting on the right ring at the right price, we’ve narrowed ourselves down to a few venues, we’ve picked out colors together, and he took me to his mothers house and made me pick out one of several qi paos(chinese wedding dress) to wear that day. She had apparently bought them for me because she didnt know which one I would like best and they were a good deal while she was in china. 

I no longer see engagements and weddings on Facebook and get jealous or Angry. We don’t get in fights after attending weddings together anymore, and if I’m feeling blue, i know I can talk to him now. 

a maybe you and your SO need to get it all out on the table too, and then you’ll know where you stand.

Post # 18
Member
278 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@loulou_321:  my Fiance and I were together almost 6 years before he proposed. Yes, I became impatient, but I never once thought about leaving. I wanted to marry him and I was willing to wait. I tried my best to never nag him regarding the engagement, but I did break down one night after a few too many drinks. I felt horrible the next morning. Later, he confided that he had already set up a proposal plan. But when I was crying, he was about ready to go get the ring out just to shut me up. So my advice is to talk to him, but don’t leave. If you truly wanted to marry this guy, you should be willing to talk it out

Post # 19
Member
2393 posts
Buzzing bee

@loulou_321:  

 

No, you’re not an idiot and you’re not dumb. However — and I do not mean to sound harsh, I promise — you have made some decisions and choices that have put yourself into this position. If we could roll back the clock, my advice would be to not give up your job and move in with him unless there was a ring and a timeline. But what’s done is done, and it is what it is.

 

I’m sure your SO is a wonderful person, but it sounds like he has gotten very comfy and cozy with this situation. He already has the benefits of being married to you — you’re living together and I presume that means he’s getting sex whenever he wants it, as well as companionship and all of those other domestic perks. So right now, he’s not as motivated to set the date as he was before when you lived apart, and he was missing you.

 

I would find the right moment, and tell him lovingly and nicely that you love him more than anything, but you can’t stay indefinitely in a relationship that isn’t moving toward marriage. Nicely and lovingly tell him that you expected that you two would be engaged by now, and that you’re sorry it hasn’t worked out quite as you had discussed. Calmly tell him that you have changed your mind about living together, and you are going to start making plans to find your own place. 

 

Notice I did NOT say to have a fit, cry, accuse him of stringing you along, or threaten to leave him if he doesn’t propose by X date.

Don’t TELL him that you’re not going to put up with this situation indefinitely. SHOW him with your actions. And then stick to your word.

I have a hunch that he will be scrambling to get that ring on your finger in no time. But if he doesn’t, then you have your answer … this was not meant to be. If it comes to that,  just keep on walking, girlfriend. Six years is a lonnngggg time. Don’t let six years turn into 10 or 15. 

 

 

 

Post # 20
Member
2240 posts
Buzzing bee

BelliniChic is right on the money. I think her suggestion would be great to do.

Do not propose to him! I repeat: DO NOT PROPOSE TO HIM! 

You’ve given up a lot already, do not make things even easier for him by proposing. Doing that would mean that he doesn’t have to think about what he needs to do and what his role in the relationship is. It will just be him hemming and hawing, not making any real decisions, and you doing all the work. That’s not how relationships function; that’s not what one should be ok with marrying. You’ve put up with it for too long. Don’t continue to essentially be a wife while he gets all of the benefits without committing. 

I think you have all the evidence you need that it is time to move on, and you think that too based on the fact that you already set a date to leave. That date has passed and it seems that your feelings for him are holding you there. You’ll have to ignore your feelings for him and go with logic. He’s not ready to be a husband and likely wouldn’t be even if you two somehow did get engaged.

Show him with your actions that the time to make things official is nigh, like BelliniChic suggested, and if he doesn’t step up, or does so in a way that suggests he doesn’t actually want to, move on. 

 

Post # 21
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee

@ Helloemi   —    HA!  I totally did the same thing!!!!!!  After 9 years together, moving across country (twice — his job makes him move a lot), I was starting to get some major resentment.  I did the ugly cry thing too and we talked everything through.  I feel SOO much better bout our relationship now.  Been about 2 months since that all went down, we have a timeline and I have never been more secure in our relationship.  🙂

 

I wouldn’t leave just because he hasn’t proposed.  You need to talk to him and tell him how you are feeling.  There’s a reason you’ve been together 6 years… I wouldn’t walk just yet.

Post # 22
Member
2777 posts
Sugar bee

If it were me I would have a serious sit down with him and then walk after the holidays if nothing changes 

Post # 23
Member
365 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
@BadaBingBling:  seriously, that talk was so worth the embarrassment of crying like that. Half of the feelings I was feeling, he was completely unaware of, and it really shed light on the whole situation. it’s just been amazing to think about the complete 180 he has done in regards to attitude.

Every day now, he says something a long the lines of “when we get married, we can have (insert randomness here), right?” 

Or, we recently went to a wedding where the bride hired one of my top 3 photographers for the area(he didn’t know this), and the whole time he kept going “they’re so cool! Those guys are so cool! You know what? We’re going to use them when we get married!”

or

“Do you think I should get your ring at (insert store name) or (insert store name)?”

try to get him to say that kind of stuff 9 months ago…

Post # 24
Member
2597 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@loulou_321:  I think you need to sit him down and essentially tell him what you’ve said here and that you’ve been patient and now fear you’re being strung along. Ask if he has a firm plan – if yes, what/when is It? If he wont give you clear, direct answers or says he has no plan, tell him you’re moving out.

Post # 25
Member
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I think you should disrupt his comfy living situation without actually <i>leaving him</i> or giving him an ultimatum.

My aunt was with my uncle a long damn time and he was dragging his feet about the ring. So instead of crying or having a fit, she stayed happy and content in their day to day life, but applied for some schools out of state. She got into one, and cheerfully informed him that she’s be attending business school in another state in the fall, and took him out to celebrate her exciting future prospects!

Without giving him any ultimatum, she planned a future for herself…that did not include him. And then acted like OF COURSE he’d be happy for her because there wasn’t any other plan. He proposed within a week and they’ve been happily married ever since!

I have been proposed to several times by boyfriends because I was moving out of the state or country. They weren’t guys I wanted to marry (I was surprised they proposed and I turned them down)– a man doesn’t want to be forced into something, but he doesn’t want to lose you either!

My advice to you is to stay sweet and cheerful, and start applying for jobs like your old job where you’re traveling a lot, or a job you’d have to move for. Then once you get an offer, HAPPILY AND SWEETLY tell him you’re planning to go. Take him out for a drink to celebrate!

Don’t make it this big sad mad angry move-out thing! Just be sweet and surprised if he seems upset about it– of course you’re planning a future for your career, why wouldn’t you? You don’t have any financial back-up plan and you’re not married so of course you’ll focus on your career!

And then he’ll either let you go (and you’ll be going on to bigger and better things, not just moving into a sad apartment during a big fight over a ring) or he’ll propose, which is what I’m guessing since it sounds like he’s just dragging his feet.

Post # 26
Member
1430 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

View original reply
@PromiseRooster:  +1

I’d just go on planning my future with myself in mind and tell him if he wanted to be in it, he’d have to step up to the plate and show me by getting engaged. I did this last year before my Fiance and I got engaged. I moved to another country to be with him and after 1.5 years got tired of waiting. Especially since the plan was to live together for a year and then get engaged. So I got my certification back up to date and started applying for jobs back in the US. He wised up, ordered my ring, and now we’re happily engaged. I wasn’t gonna pressure him to get engaged, but I wasn’t gonna sit around hoping and wishing that he would do it either.

Post # 27
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee

As a married bee… here’s my advice. First, he must propose to you… not the other way around. Secnd… read Mr. Bees plan and follow it follow it follow it. make it clear it is a requirement for you to be marriied. You love him and willl give him a little time. Then get busy. busy at the gym. busy with your girlfriends. busy. He will come around fast.

Post # 28
Member
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I totally understand the waiting thing, however a 6 year relationship in itself seems waaaay past the walk date, unless you started dating your first year of college and you’re two years out. I say walk. I honestly believe if you don’t know within 1 year to 2 years whether you want to marry someone or not, see ya, and that rings true the older you get. I am late 20’s, fiance proposed to me after about 6 months or so. No one’s getting any younger!

What also concerns me is that you moved your life and your job to be with him without being comfortable enough to expresss these issues prior to moving.  However, competely understandable, but still concerning. While I know all men are different, I have dated baby men, so I know the type, but that’s what made me say ‘yes’ to my fiance. When a man truly loves you, values you, and sees you as his potentially someday wife, nothing is going to stop him or stall him, this is just from my own experience, so please do take it with a grain of salt. You know your man better than anyone.

My own advice? I’d tread very carefully with this one. I know 6 years is a long time to waste with someone, but it’s a heck of a lot less than the years wasted in an unhappy marriage. I’ll be honest, if I ever had to give a man ‘the push’ to marry me, I’d be on the ‘see ya later’ train the next day. No man should have to be pushed to ask me to marry him. Again, this is just my opinion, and you know yourself and him and your experiences, and everyone is different. This is just the way I live my life, very black and white, you either love me or don’t love me. etc, every girl is different. I wish you the very best of luck and happiness. And whether you find it with this guy or another, know that you WILL find it! 🙂

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