Waiting too long to propose, now feeling resentful

posted 2 years ago in Engagement
Post # 61
Member
878 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

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flowerchild625 :  I’m sorry you’re hurting right now, but I think you are being honest with yourself and doing what you need to do to protect yourself. 

Just remember what you’ve said here, about you always initiating and him just placating you, when you talk to him again now and he tries to convince you to stay with the minimalist amount of effort. If you think he’s just trying to shut you up again, you don’t have to settle for more of that.

Post # 62
Member
2058 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

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fitbean :  your birth certificate,  social security card,  car title, and money are all pieces of paper. It’s what they mean and the legal weight they hold that matters. Just FYI.

Post # 63
Member
2058 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I’m sorry you’re going through this bee. I’m with most of the bees here saying it’s not fair to you that he gave you a deadline and then didn’t follow through. It was a discussion and agreement you BOTH came to and he didn’t honor that. It’s incredibly frustrating to be in that place. I saw that you mentioned even if you were engaged you’d probably be complaining about something else he isn’t doing. Is this a pattern for him? That could be difficult to deal with even after marriage when you make agreements and then he doesn’t follow through. With marriage usually comes big things like buying a house, cars, children, job situations, and etc. If he’s always not keeping his word and making up excuses this is going to be a problem in the long run even if he does come around to getting engaged/married. I hope you work this all out whether you leave for good or you two reconcile. 

Post # 64
Member
90 posts
Worker bee

OP, I feel for you. My situation has some differences but I’m still at a point where I’m trying to decide when to walk.

I do not live with my SO, and we’ve been together 2 years, but he has purchased a ring and had it sized. It was proposal-ready 6 months ago. He told me he would not make me wait “long” before proposing. The only timeline we’re working from is that he is supposed to move in with me in early 2019, and he knows I need to be engaged before that happens. But in the conversations/arguments we’ve had in the last 4 months about this, we have not set a drop-dead date the way you and your SO have. I’ve had dates in my head for how long I’d passively wait before bringing up the topic again, but as there has been no agreed-upon hard and fast deadline set by either of us other than the start of 2019 generally, I have not felt ready to walk. Clearly either his definition of “not long” is different from mine, or he didn’t mean what he said and had no intention of proposing soon. To me it is nonsensical since there is already a ring, so I can’t understand the delay other than either sheer laziness or a change in heart.

When a promise is made and not fulfilled, you do indeed start to wonder what else that person would do to let you down in the future if you stay on the same path. I’m now wondering how soon “early” 2019 is to my SO – does he think he can drag this out until next summer?

Regardless of the other details, making a promise to someone and not following through harms the relationship. I do not want someone to propose to me because I’ve strong-armed them into it, and I know you don’t either. The issues surrounding the engagement will follow you into marriage, if you even get that far. I think it’s great that you’re ready to walk. You deserved an explanation – unprompted! – a long time ago. The lack of even a conversation from your SO is disrespectful and manipulative. Deciding to get engaged should be a mutual and happy decision, not a power play for one person. If I end up having to give a deadline, I will be prepared to walk – although I’m not sure I’d make it out of that conversation still in the relationship anyway.

Post # 65
Member
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I’m a little split on this one. On the one hand, I definitely DO understand not wanting to wait around forever and it not happening. I’ve been in that situation before and wasted a lot of time with someone who took up a lot of my time and my heart, and didn’t pull through. It was very heartbreaking at the time, and as I got older I saw how it was a mistake to allow that to happen. The thing is, when you start that waiting game, you really don’t know in advance how long it will go. You don’t know that it will take 4 years for you to get tired of waiting and to break away. If you had known that in advance, it might have changed things (just an example). However, all in all, I look back and see it all brought me to the path I’m on today. The good, the bad, and the ugly. 

 

On the other hand, I can’t imagine being a guy and proposing because of an ultimatum. I can’t imagine wanting to do that. Yes, he agreed, but probably because he saw how important it was to you and thought he might lose you. I’m a bit curious how old you are. Not that age is an excuse, but I do have different expectations of a 30 year old versus a 22 year old. For the 30 year old, I don’t make excuses for that nonsense. I don’t for the 22 year old either, but I can see where he still needs to grow up a little, and that doesn’t necessarily mean he isn’t husband material. I would try having a heart to heart with him, sans ultimatum. Get a feel for where he really is. Don’t talk about ending the relationship or deadlines, just try to get an open conversation going about how he feels about marriage, and see if he will open up about why he hasn’t proposed yet. Perhaps he has reservations he is afraid to tell you about. While I doubt it, there IS the possibility he wanted to surprise you with a proposal, and perhaps the whole timeline thing just didn’t seem romantic. It’s a possibility. Guys do like to surprise us and for it to be romantic, not to mention their idea. Doing so because of a previous agreement or fear of someone leaving is hardly romantic or quite frankly, motivating. So take that out of the equation when speaking with him (at least this once). See where it goes, and go from there. If he gives you a bunch of nonsense, you may have your answer. If he has reservations, consider them carefully before walking away or making an immediate decision. You can always go back and do that if you decide it doesn’t feel right for you. <3

Post # 66
Bee
5287 posts
Bee Keeper

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macpartyoftwo :   Way to focus on the wrong thing. We’ve seen time and again that this doesn’t work,  it’s a fruitless endeavor. I wish that people would stop posting it, yet it keeps coming up.. It isn’t the proposal that’s the problem here, or in other threads, it’s the resistance to commitment, no matter who’s proposing.

Post # 67
Member
720 posts
Busy bee

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sunburn :  We will agree to disagree. In my opinion, and experience, you would have a clear “yes” or “no”, without all of the heartache that comes from waiting. No excuses, no bullshit.

Post # 68
Member
225 posts
Helper bee

I think you both need to sit down and have a frank and open conversation tonight as to what you both want. You both agreed on a timeline and he needs to explain to you why it hasn’t been met. Other bees could be right staying there was a money or ring issue. They could also be right that he was just stringing you along. 

You need to talk about this first before leaving. If it comes down to him not wanting the same as you then I think you need to do what’s best for you. 

Post # 69
Member
2852 posts
Sugar bee

My husband was engaged the night we met. He  broke up with her when he got home. he said he realized whether or not I agreed to go out with him, he realized he couldn’t marry her. A friend asked him why he gave her   a ring , he thought about it and said I gave her a ring to shut her up  about marirage.  He admitted it wasn’t his finest hour a a man. He said he felt backed into a corner.

Post # 70
Member
2536 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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kickwed2018 :  No, that’s not what she said. I quoted what she said in my comment. And Tatum hit the nail on the head. 

Post # 71
Member
2058 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

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macpartyoftwo :  But it still might not be clear like tiffanybruiser said. He might pull the “well I wanted to propose” bull shit and then OP would still be in the same situation.  I think OP jas already realized he isn’t in this for the commitment she wants and he already made it clear (even though he lies) that he wants to be the one to propose. So I’m also certain he would pull an excuse out of his ass as to why he can’t say yes. I think OP knows as much now. But I do get where you’re coming from.

Post # 72
Member
198 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2020 - La Jolla, CA

Any update bee? Did you talk to him? Leave before he got home? 

Post # 74
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

Yes.  Please an update.  I feel personally invested in you getting a backbone at this point.  

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