Waiting vent

posted 4 months ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee

Speak to him ASAP about this feeling, this can turn into apathy so fast, which will ruin the relationship. I’m sure he doesn’t want that.

Post # 4
Member
792 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2018 - Farm

waiting1218 :  What was his reaction and what did he say when you brought up marriage? Did he seem like he was on board or making excuses for why you two didn’t need to get married right now? You said you gave him until the end of this year. Did you tell him what you were going to do if he didn’t propose by then? Would you be walking away from the relationship? Moving out?  You still have 4 more months in the year for him to propose. Has he asked you your ring size? 

Post # 5
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee

waiting1218 :  I know but if you keep bottling it up, it’ll fester and turn to not caring. I know you feel like you’re begging but please talk to him before the sadness turns to apathy. I wish I had.

Post # 6
Member
733 posts
Busy bee

If you give someone until the end of 2018, it’s likely you’re going to get a proposal at the end of 2018. My sil did this to my brother and he proposed on Christmas, despite trips/anniversaries passing in between the discussion and proposal.

If you’re moving the bar because you feel like you can’t wait that long, you need to discuss it with him. But being quietly resentful that he hasn’t done something that you gave him 4 more months to do isn’t healthy for you or the relationship.

Post # 10
Member
9318 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

waiting1218 :  

Engaging in an adult discussion about your shared future is neither nagging  or begging and I’m wondering what makes you see it that way.  Your bf does not own your engagement. It’s requires two people to make it go.  Thus far, you have surrendered all of your power to your bf.  Rookie mistake, it’s what we’re trained to do.

If you do marry, you will have many conversations about the state of your relationship.  Not all of them will be easy and pleasant. But, you both will get better at it with practice.  If you feel close enough to marry the guy, why wouldn’t you feel comfortable talking to him about absolutely anything?

Talk to him.  You tried it his way.  The timetable just isn’t working for you, let’s renegotiate.

Post # 11
Member
733 posts
Busy bee

waiting1218 :  I am also of the opinion you shouldn’t be afraid to talk to your SO about anything. Just tell him what you’ve told us. “I know we said end of 2018, but it’s very hard to be the one in the dark just waiting for this important thing to happen. Are we still on the same page?”

Post # 12
Member
710 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Does he want to get married? Have you looked at rings together?

Post # 13
Member
357 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

My opinion – wait out the year. You said you would, and he may have something in the works. If he doesn’t propose after that and it means so much to you, propose to him. Worked for me.

Post # 14
Member
2507 posts
Sugar bee

You say he now understands how much marriage means to you, and is on board.

Yet he has let 8 months go by without so much as asking you your ring size.

This guy is almost 30, and y’all have been together over 6 years.

The MAIN legitimate excuses I hear thrown around for guys delaying a proposal are age and length of relationship.

Neither applies to your SO.

Another point against him is that he refused to give you any actual clarity on how he feels about marriage.

None of these are good signs.

When words and actions don’t line up, you have to realize that you CAN NOT trust the words people say to you.

You absolutely have to look at the actions, or lack thereof.

Words are easy. They are so so easy to say. They cost the people saying them NOTHING. 

If they don’t follow up those words with concrete action, well, you have to see through the smoke and mirrors and see reality for what it actually is. 

It’s time for you to take back power over your own future.

Sit this man down and CALMLY explain your feelings on the matter, ask him if he has any plans in the works, or if he has a timeline in place.

Don’t accept any attempts to invalidate your stance by saying you’re “begging” or “nagging.”

Having a calm, rational discussion with your partner on the subject of your shared future is NOT begging or nagging or pressuring.

As another bee here points out – You can’t be pressured into doing something you WANT to do. 

He should WANT to hear your thoughts and feelings on the subject, and he should validate those thoughts and feelings, and you should be able to come up with a loose plan, at the very least, that incorporates both of your desires – NOT just his. 

Stop buying into the patriarchal, sexist notion that women have to cede all power of decision over their own future!!!!

If this man is the RIGHT man, he will respect you taking back your agency in this matter.

Post # 15
Member
333 posts
Helper bee

duchessgummybunns :

there is another main legitimate excuse that men delay proposal, and that is he is not sure of the relationship or marriage. sometimes men and women delay proposing because of doubt.  

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