Waiting vent

posted 4 months ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Member
93 posts
Worker bee

Reading your story really struck a cord with me! I am in a very similar situation as you, bee. I am 26 and my bf is about to be 29. We have been together for almost 8 years. Last December (2017), I was CERTAIN he would propose on Christmas, as so many of our friends were, but I got nothing. I got so angry that I actually did go through with breaking up with him. We’ve talked about marriage a lot throughout our long relationship and at this stage, many people in our age group have been dating for less time and getting engaged and married before us. I grew so resentful over his complacency. I kept thinking, why won’t he just make the move?! He came from a broken home so he always talked about marriage and family as something that he strongly desired with me in the very near future. He kept saying he felt emotionally ready, but the only thing holding him back was finances. I said he could propose to me with a $20 cz and I’d be fine with it. I just want to get married!! But he said he wanted to present me with a nice ring and was thus waiting until he could afford what he thinks I deserve. I think me breaking up with him really rocked his world and gave him a major wake up call. He worked hard to get me back and made lots of promises. I told him I was giving him until the end of 2018. I want marriage and kids and I’m not getting any younger and therefore didn’t want to waste anymore time if this wasn’t going to lead to marriage sometime soon. He went on the hunt for new jobs and finally in June, he landed his dream job, which is much higher paying and it’s in the city where my parents live. Now a month into his new job, he gave me a budget and told me to find my dream ring and send him the link so he can purchase. I’m expecting that he will probably propose at the very end of the year, likely around Thanksgiving or Christmas. 

I say all this to say, sometimes men need a wake up call. If they are too comfortable or complacent, they may never make the move. Sometimes you have to show that you actually are willing to walk away and move on if he is not willing to bring your relationship to the next step. Take your power back, bee. Show him that you mean business. I am not saying you should leave your bf or give him an ultimatum, but your future shouldn’t just be up to him when HE’S ready. It’s about you too. Six years is a long time and at nearly 30, he should be ready. If finances are an issue, he can always get you the ring he can afford now and upgrade later. It’s about the sentiment, not the cost. Good luck bee! I know how frustrating this situation is. I hope it will work out for you soon. I say give it until the end of the year. The holiday season is also engagement season. He could be planning something for Christmas. 

Post # 33
Member
93 posts
Worker bee

waiting1218 :  I feel your pain bee! I’m learning that comparison is the thief of joy and things happen in their own time. Six months to get engaged sounds very fast! Too fast actually. But I hope you get your fairy tale soon. If he says holidays are out of the question then I’m sure he will be proposing soon as the holidays are just around the corner. If not I would suggest setting a firm walk date and sticking to it. Please keep us updated!

Post # 35
Member
93 posts
Worker bee

waiting1218 :  In a way that makes it a bit easier! At least you know it has to be one of those 6 days. I’d say give it some time. If after those 6 days pass he still doesn’t take the plunge, then I think it’s time to consider your options i.e. walking. 

The fact that your friend just got engaged after 7 years, should definitely put some pressure on your man to make the move too! I hope he does!

Post # 36
Member
731 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

waiting1218 :  

“I just don’t want to keep bringing it up because I feel like I’m nagging and almost begging for it. I know life isn’t a fairytale but I just thought I’d be with someone and they would propose with none of this drama. It’s just getting to me slightly now.”

I just wanted to pipe in and say that I relate to this so damn much. 

Post # 37
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

Wrong thread

Post # 39
Member
2506 posts
Sugar bee

nordiclight :  @nordiclight OMG I haven’t seen you on the boards in forever!!! Can you please give me/us an update??? We joined around the same time, and I remember being slightly jealous (in a friendly way) that you and your partner were planning to get engaged “within a few months” and married the next fall! At that time, Darling Husband and I weren’t planning to get engaged for almost another full year, so I was excited to read about your journey.

Now I see this comment and it seems your partner has been foot dragging ever since… It’s a year beyond when you said y’all planned to marry!

Post # 40
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee

Every couple is different but I feel like anything after 3 year mark is quite a long wait and it’s time to do something. I still don’t want to really push my SO because I feel like it’s coming in the next year or so… And he is always the one who brings it up. He knew I didn’t want a quick proposal and wanted to wait at least 2 years but like I said every couple is different. For some people 5 years is ok but to me it’s ridiculous especially if marriage has been discussed and it is your end goal. And it’s not like you are both 20 yo and way to young. My SO and I are 28 and 35 btw Good luck bee. I am never the one who recommends a timeline and pushing but in your case I would definitely talk to him.

Post # 42
Member
884 posts
Busy bee

Hugs bee, hope he follows through! Either way you’ve got support here ❤️

 

waiting1218 :  

Post # 44
Member
7199 posts
Busy Beekeeper

waiting1218 :  

I hope we get our fairytale by the end of the year.”  dear OP, this  is such a passive and romanticised way to imagine  your shared future life . No way is he  going  to be a fairytale prince  with his lengthy delays  and  nonsense about not getting engaged on  any holiday  or special day ( wtf is that about ? !! ) 

If you really do want   Prince Charming  and  a ‘fairytale’   proposal this is not the right guy, not now, probably not ever .

So,   if he really is the guy you want for your husband , it is high time you took matters into  your own hands and pointed  out to him exactly what you want and when you want it  by. And  that if he doesn’t want those things , or doesn’t know what he wants , tell him that notwithstanding the pain and heartache , you will have to break with him .

Or continue as you have  been doing …….ETA I see you have been doing just  that and have got nothing  except more dispirited and with   lower self esteem.

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