(Closed) 11 yrs wishing and hoping

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
538 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

HUGS, I’ve been with my boyfriend for 11 yearls also.. have you talked about getting engaged soon?

Post # 4
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

If he is getting fired from jobs and doesn’t have a career path when he is almost 30, is this really a stable enough guy to base your future on? Don’t marry him just because he’s the guy you’ve been with for forever.

Post # 5
Member
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I agree with @crayfish.  Do you love him and are you willing to stand by him while he gets himself together?  If so, why not just have a JOP wedding if the marriage is what you really want and you all might not be able to afford a big wedding anytime soon?

Post # 6
Member
5883 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Are you willing to accept him exactly the way he is? Meaning if in 5, 10, 15 years he is still jumping from job to job trying to find himself, are you okay with that? Some guys never get it together…ever.

Some guys get it together eventually, maybe it’s age, maybe it’s a baby, who know what it is. But I’ve seen really together women waiting for their man to get it together and they never do. My BFF’s little sister started dating her Darling Husband in college. In their late 20’s they got married. She is a CPA for the govt that teaches at the community college on the side. He left his delivery driver job to start a recording studio in his basement and play with his band and he’s close to 40 now. Yeah, it’s pretty much a one income family (and they still have to pay for day care for their 5 yo since you never know when he’s going to get someone who wants to use the studio). She seems to be okay with it, but there is some indication that she starting to lose her patience.

Keep in mind, sometimes being with someone, especially if the bills are being paid, make it easier to not get it together. Maybe moving out would give him the push he needs to figure out what he’s going to do.

If you are okay with things never changing, then forgo the e-ring (or get a CZ), and do a JOP wedding.

Post # 7
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

Speaking as the daughter of a businesswoman who worked her tail off and took a two-hour commute every day, and a man who decided that jerry-rigging cars was a viable career option….you don’t WANT to marry this man if he won’t work, and contribute at least a fair amount. I saw what my mom went through trying to make ends meet while my dad did mostly nothing at all. If you want children, you etiher need to find a man who you know will work, or at least one who will be a very diligent and dedicated house husband. If you don’t want children, well, I guess it’s up to you, but to me this is a red flag.

Post # 8
Member
3303 posts
Sugar bee

@crayfish: I agree with crayfish- aside from love- what is he really bringing to the table—? On his good days? On his bad ones? Are you sure he is worth it? A marriage can’t survive only on love- you need mutual partnership and respect. If you aren’t getting that, you aren’t going to have much of a marriage.

Post # 9
Member
391 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

First, finding a job is difficult and I didn’t get into my career until a year ago (I’m 26). I tried to apply for random jobs like waitressing and working at McDonalds’ due to an ex’s persistence…but I’d never get interviewed. I had probably a 5″ binder of job applications I’ve filled out within a month and would show it to my ex to get him to get off my back, but looking at that huge stack only made me more depressed. It’s a fact that sometimes people aren’t just looking to hire. For about 6 months I went around pulling hairs…

I am not sure if your SO is also a MA/MS student or graduate, but if he holds a BA/BS or less perhaps he just hasn’t found his niche yet? Some people take awhile…my brothers were in the military for 4-5 years and one is 30…he just got into a counseling career and did this while married with a child at the time.

But being hard on your SO about not having a job might create resentment; at least it did in my experience. I was being scolded for not getting a job weeks after graduation. I couldn’t apply to some places because my degree wasn’t conferred on my transcripts just yet. I was given a lot of grief for it…we were living paycheck to paycheck and I offerred a lot of money-saving tips (my family raised 5 kids on a 20K income), but he couldn’t take me serious for one reason or another. The thing is…there was a breakdown in communication all around.

Talk openly and honestly with your SO. Talk to him about how difficult the situation might be. If he seems frustrated at the whole thing, ask him how you can help and if there’s anything you could do. Make sure you understand what he’s looking for when it comes to job searching. If he’s not sure, ask him which job he’s enjoyed most so far and go from there.

Post # 10
Member
1365 posts
Bumble bee

@crayfish: Are you serious? Not everyone’s life is a fairytale and not everyone has a stable career by 30. It’s a nice dream but it isn’t everyone’s reality. And I’d hope that the OP would marry this guy because they’ve been together forever and love each other, rather than dump him for someone with a stable job and money. What about “for richer for poorer” – if this guy is who OP dreams about marrying, then she should be applying the same principles now that she would if they were married already and stand by her man. @mireisen talks a lot of sense about just talking it through as a couple, openly and honestly and cooperating.

Post # 11
Member
4336 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

There’s a big difference between “marrying for money” and NOT marrying someone because they can’t get their life together! Showing effort and *trying* to get a job is a big deal. If he can’t get motivated to look for a job, then the problem is more– what is he going to be like once you’re married and other problems come up that he might have to work really hard to solve?

Post # 12
Member
3255 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@VickyAurea: But her point wasn’t that this guy doesn’t make a lot of money. OP was frustrated that it took him months to get off the couch and even look for work. There’s a huge difference in working hard at a job that doesn’t pay a lot of money or actively seeking work vs. being apathetic and lazy. 

 

@browneyegr1: It sounds like you need to lay down some rules with him. Tell him that you want to be engaged by a certain time (obviously a realistic time frame, not next week- lol), and if he’s not down with that, you can’t wait any longer.

I’m not telling you to leave him if you want to spend your life with him, but be wise. He needs to show you he’s ready to commit to you and that he’s willing to pull his weight if you are ever going to get married.

Good luck!

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