Post # 1
SO doesn’t want to get engaged until he finishes his MBA and is financially ready to support another person, which won’t be until winter or spring of next year. Finances aren’t a problem when it comes to planning, it’s just he wants to be in the right place and have everyone’s blessings before taking that next step. I can totally understand that, but for some reason I am so bothered by the continuous waiting of something that will happen but isn’t happening soon enough. I hate the waiting game. Sometimes it makes me irrational and I believe that we could be engaged and still make plans and preparations for a hopefully tentative wedding in 2012. It’s weird, I can be okay for a month or a few weeks then I start thinking and getting bothered by the question of getting engaged.
Yesterday I found out one of our friends booked a venue for an August 2012 wedding, and that venue was booked all through July 2012. So last night I started to freak out, and brought up the whole marriage/engagement conversation. I figured, if their venue was booked through July of 2012, the chances of my dream venue would be booked too! Of course, the SO told me not to worry and to just wait.I told him that I have been doing nothing but waiting (I’ve been waiting for over 2 years and we’ve been together for over 3 years). In his anger or lack of patience with me, he said, “Then stop waiting!” That really upset me.
Also, another thing he said was that we should wait until after his best friend gets married in Aug 2012 before we have our wedding. They’ve dated for about 10 years. I don’t like this idea that I have to work after another person’s date, which leaves me with less time or having to push back my plans an extra year! Ideally, I’d like Summer 2012, but if I can’t get that venue, I have to push it to Summer 2013 (No way) or just pick a different venue. He then asked me, “why are you in such a hurry?” That upset me even more! I always tell him that I just want to be with him everyday and to be able to go to sleep and wake up seeing his face, and him saying that to me really ticked me off. For a girl who’s been waiting years, don’t ever ask me why i’m in such a hurry.
Please give me some advice, help me be more understanding, or provide feedback! I gotta get over this hump!
Post # 3
@mmmk: I can totally relate to the panic, one minute everything was ok but counting backwards from where I wanted to be in the next 4 years I literally freaked out, and it was like “we must get married right now!”
As a person who loves to organize things I guess I looked back and felt like what were we doing the last few years, just sitting around and how much more of that can we have.
My Fiance is a lot more calm about it all but out of the blue I feel like a rock is going to fall on my head, and if you throw in booked venues and stuff it’s worse.
I know how you feel ((hugs))
Judging by his reaction (which came off a little strong) I don’t know what to advise, but maybe his friend’s marriage will give him a little push.
Hope the other ladies will chime in.
Post # 4
First of all, let me say that I totally hear you on the waiting thing. I’m still waiting, although I know that my proposal is coming this year. I’m a super-planner in most areas of my life so areas where I have no control are very difficult for me to handle. And the proposal is one of them.
In saying that, I think he’s been very specific with you about when he’ll be in the right place to focus on your engagement and marriage… and that’s not now. I think that we often forget as waiting women that guys have their own ideas and perceptions on this season of life. My SO is happy for me to attend wedding shows and get ideas but I think if I pushed the planning (our intention is to get married sometime in 2012) he would be upset. It’s something he wants us to share together and your SO may not feel he has the time to give you until he graduates – let’s face it, an MBA is not a piece of cake!
He says he wants to get married after August, he may not want to steal his friend’s thunder. It doesn’t necessarily mean that he won’t propose in the spring. Is there a reason why getting married in Summer is so important?
Post # 5
@sweetmamam:I’m a total planner, organizer, over thinker. Summer would be the best time for a rooftop wedding in San Francisco. Spring is bad because of the unpredictable allergies. Not only is it not to steal their thunder, he believes that since they’ve been together longer, it would be wrong of us to get married before them.
I know that he is rational and right in his decisions as far as being in the right place in his life, but I can’t help but wanting to talk about and make things happen! I hate that I get so wedding-crazed every once in a while because I know he hates talking about it over and over again.
I’m so glad and relieved that I found this site. Now I can bring my conversations here and relieve that pressure.
Post # 6
I know where you’re coming from completely. I am also a planner, and would love to get married in September 2012, which means a proposal in the next 5 or 6 months. I really hope it happens by that time, but I seriously doubt it will, since he wants to wait until he has a stable job, and he won’t graduate police academy until December of this year. I suppose I could throw a wedding together in 9 months, but I’d rather have more time, since I want to make my dress.
I’m familiar with the feeling that everything is ok one minute, then panicking the next because you feel like it will never happen (even if you’re sure it will and he just needs time). I’m trying to keep busy while I’m waiting, but it’s hard.
Post # 7
I see you planning a wedding, but you never once mentioned planning the marriage. Your boyfriend clearly has his sights set on a stable marriage, and I’m not surprised that he’s upset that you’re pushing him for a ring because you’re panicking about your wedding.
You need to chill out, be glad that he clearly loves and wants to marry you, and stop pressuring him for something that he has told you will happen. He’s even told you when it will probably happen. If you cry about not having a ring (cause let’s face it, that whole post was “I want to plan my wedding” centered, not “I really want to marry him!” centered) you are only going to scare him off.
Post # 8
Waiting IS hard. Especially when we really want that wedding. I mean, let’s face it, a lot of us (not all) have been dreaming about this special day since we were young!! And it’s normal to want to get there when we find the man we love.
However I think @MissHoneyBun: makes a good point that we don’t want our man to feel bad about the whole thing.
This advice is my own, so you can take what you need, and leave the rest BUT, my strategy is to concentrate on my relationship. Always. I know 2 people can’t always be %100 connected, but I always try to let my SO know that I am there for him (with my actions). I’ve learned the hard way that pressuring my man does not work in my favour. But being “on his side” brings him closer to me.
Again, this is my advice (not the word of God) but I would suggest that you let it be until he finishes school. And perhaps try to reassure yourself by making a list (either in your head or on paper) about the reasons you are happy to be with him. When I get annoyed with my SO, I try to remind myself of the long list of qualities and attributes that make me want to be with him. Usually, that makes me feel silly for being annoyed because he is such an amazing person.
I agree with what you said, you have to do whatever you can to get over this hump!! You go girl! You can do it!!
Post # 9
I agree with MissHoneyBun, it seems like you are just getting so excited about all the fun that goes into wedding planning that you just want to be at that point. That’s totally understandable 🙂 But your SO is being very rationale about it all (but then boys don’t really get excited about planning like girls do). Just try to be patient. He wants to marry you and is giving you an idea when. Live in the moment and enjoy being BF/GF!
Post # 10
I’m going to take the tough love approach here.
You don’t want someone to marry you just because you want to get married and start planning a wedding. You want him to marry you because he wants to get married and start your new life together. I’ve got 2 sisters, one in an unhappy marriage and one who is divorced. Both had amazing weddings an pretty good marriages for a few years, but then it all fell apart. Getting married is committing to someone for the rest of your life. Think about it. If he hasn’t proposed, he’s not ready yet. Something is holding him back. Whether it’s school, his friend’s wedding, or something else he’s not telling you, he’s got excuses.
My Fi asked me to marry him at home, in bed, because it just occurred to him that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and he couldn’t imagine it any other way. The next morning, without a ring, we phoned our parents and went to the jewelry store together. Not the most romantic proposal, but it meant so much because he’d been thinking about it for months and it finally hit him over the head (no, it wasn’t just after boomboom).
I know it’s hard, but be patient. If you really love him, you’ll want him to be comfortable and will be willing to wait until he is ready. You wouldn’t push him off a cliff if you were ready to go base-jumping and he wasn’t, would you?
Post # 11
Lots of other ladies have said it, but I’ll chime in, too. His feelings of being ready and repsecting other are just as important as yours of wanting it. It sounds like he’s in a great place wiht you about the planning, but he DOES want to have his ducks in a row before moving on to that (kinda like how ladies don’t usually wnt children until they’ve been married, possibly about 2 years). Men place marraige-readiness a lot on their career postiion, financial security and school (not in that order). Women place a whole lot more emphasis on relationship duration and age. Neither is right or wrong, it’s just different.
Beleive me, I know it’s hard to wait, especially if there are other getting married round you and planning. Since last summer, I’ve had about 10 people get engaged, and have had 3 weddings to go to, and I am in the longest relationship of more than a decade and I am still unengaged, partly because my Boyfriend or Best Friend entered the workforce late and has yet to finish school, AND because he feel that he couldn’t do it even if he had the money with everyone else doing it, too. He doesn’t want to get engaged and married just because it’s the trend of 2011. And while that galls me, and makes me need to cry on those days when it DOES get to be too much and I’m NOT fine with it, those are his feelings, and they are not any less valid than mine of, “I’ve got the car keys, let’s head to Vegas and see if Elvis can officate!” Love is respecting each other’s feelings, even if you don’t agree.
I’d say do some checking into venue reservation time-frames and see IF the place you want IS booked, look into acceptable alternative, and check back with the preferred venue (or ask them to call you) in case of a cancellation or change of date. My firneds gettgin married in June had a small crises – they planned for the 11th, then because of family travel and work had to switch to the 18th. The venue told them it was fine, and later told them the change hand’t been made and the place was booked by another bride… A few phone calls later and the awesome other bride agreed to swap the 18th for the 11th for her own wedding so my friends could ahve theirs the only day the were going to be able to. So call and make whatever tentative plans you can. You’ll feel good about getting somewhere and it might help take the edge off a bit.
Post # 12
I loved what @Isilme said, “Love is respecting each other’s feelings, even if you don’t agree.” SO TRUE!! And so important to remember, although it’s difficult when our perspective is the easiest to see everyday.
Post # 13
@MissHoneyBun: Great advice!
OP you are getting a bit much into it. Wait for him to propose and THEN think about the wedding time/date. He clearly isn’t at that spot yet and doing a lot of other things (good things) to prepare himself and his marriage.
I was once in your shoes- I wanted to be married at the end of 2011 (11/11/11 to be exact) and was expecting my guy to propose some time in 2010. He never did so that threw my timeline off. I got my proposal early this year and JUST started saving for the wedding- so now I won’t be getting married until 12/8/12. Nothing wrong with having to readjust your timing if you have to. You guy has a really valid reason and you should wait because of that.
I would use this time now to save money for a possible wedding in 2012, 2013. Even if you have people that will pay for you- it would feel AWESOME to have your own money and do whatever you want. It should help keep you busy while waiting too.
Post # 14
Hey! You’re getting married on my bday! 😉
Post # 15
@hellopurple: What are you doing to try to keep busy?
That is probably my best bet, keep busy– and be patient! I’ve been going to the gym more often so I guess it’s a win win 🙂
Post # 16
@minie77:I’ve made a list before, and I definitely should revisit it! Thanks 🙂