Post # 1
My boyfriend and I have been together for more than four years. We met in college and have lived together for the past two years. We’re young – 25, but I have no doubt that I’m ready and he’s the one. He knows how I feel and we discuss the future often. I’ve even started planning the wedding (sans ring). He’s given me his family’s guest list and provides input, (“Calla lillies are awesome, in a quasi-phallic sort of way…”). Our families, particularly my mother, are expecting the news any day now.
We’ve discussed marriage several times. BF says we’re too young and basically, that he wants to make more money first. I can understand where he’s coming from, but part of me thinks I deserve someon who wants to marry me as much as I want to commit myself to him. Despite this, I’m not one to offer an empty ultimatum. I love him and I know I’ve met my husband so I can’t leave him. I’ve tried everything from having a rational discussion like adults to cooking a supposedly magic chicken recipe designed to make him propose (lovely dinner, but no ring). Nothing’s working.
Any advice? Suggestions? Chicken recipes? Coping mechanisms for the next 3 years of wedding planning sans diamond? Thanks Bees!
Post # 3
Give him time 🙂 I was with my bf for almost 5 years before he popped the question. We talked about the idea if we got married and cute ideas for it, but not very often. Just see what happens in the next year or two. You definity deserve to be happy. Perhaps the pre-diamond wedding planning is freaking him out alittle? If in the future it still hasnt happend you could sit down and talk with him about it. Guys dont see the importance of a wedding like us ladies do!
Post # 4
I recommend Mr. Bee’s plan. Just search for it on here. Very common sense, but good read. I’m still waiting for my sparkle too, but I’m in a better place about the whole situation. I was becoming very resentful about the whole waiting thing. We went ring shopping in August and I’m still waiting. But I’ve been keeping myself busy, hanging with friends, bettering myself and become a little more independent on my own. Just enjoy the time as a couple, otherwise you may become resentful for waiting.
Post # 5
You should come join us on the waiting boards!
Post # 6
Give him some time to think about it. It just may be a bit of tradition on his part, that he needs to make more money before he gets married so he can take care of you or get you a gorgeous ring.
Post # 7
I’ve been with SO for 6.5 years. I can definitely relate! Considering you’re 25, you have plenty of time. When a 25 year old guy who’s been with you for 4 years says he wants to make more money and wait a little longer, I’d give him the benefit of the doubt. I’m 27 and was ready to take the next step when I was 22. SO is 25 and he’s finally at a point in his career and life where I can see him getting to that point. Now that we’re older, I’m sooo glad we have (and ahem, continue to) given it more time. Our careers are more solid, we have done more things in life, and we have the money and resources to create a wedding and marriage that will surpass any of the dreams I had when I was younger. And that is worth it. (And SO is worth that wait, too 🙂 )
Post # 8
A lot of men want to make money first. It means they can provide for a decent future and allow you to have a nice house and a pretty wedding and it means security.
A lot of blokes want that security before they go jumping into marriage, children, mortgages, etc. And it makes a lot of sense.
Also, being married won’t change anything. Once the day is over with, life goes on like nothing’s changed.
Just be careful to to get too obsessed about it. Wedding’s aren’t the same for men as they are for women. We get all excited about it and have it as a large priority in our lives but it’s not the same for most men.
Weddings cost a lot of money too. He might be wanting to put down a deposit on a house or buy real estate first, something that will give you stability first.
Hope that helps a bit. 🙂
Post # 9
Thanks everyone. You are all so sweet and helpful.
I’ve told him that I don’t care if he hands me a freakin’ Ring Pop! The marriage (and admittedly, the wedding) is what I’m excited about – not the bling. I love his practical side, but my [romantic? pathetic?] side wishes he loved me so much that the idea of spending our lives together outweighed his perfectly reasonable excuses to wait. Is there anything I can do to nudge – and not pressure – him?
Lately, I’ve become increasingly sad that we’re on such different pages. In four years, this is the first time I’ve felt like he doesn’t love me as much as I love him. Thankfully I can vent to you lovelies.
Post # 10
This makes me laugh, only because I’ve told my BF that I’d take a ring pop too! lol I’ve also told him that it’s not the ring that I care about, it’s the commitment that the ring represents.
I think he’s finally getting it…We went ring shopping last week after almost four years together.
Post # 11
Ladies, I waited 10 years and I am only 27. Not that we didn’t know that 1 day we would get married it was just something always seemed to get in the way as soon as we would even mention the M word. Fiance finally opened his eyes when both of our BFF got engaged (to different people) within 2 weeks and I broke down..literally sobbing and dry heaving all while texting congrats to my BFF. To me it sounds like your BF just wants everything to be in place so that way your wedding will be everything you wanted and be able to start your “new” lives a a truly happy and sufficient young couple. As much as I would have loved to get married years ago I know that this May our wedding will be more meaningful and beautiful than anything we’ve ever experienced together (minus having our daughter- THAT was the best day of our lives…ever…hands down). Believe me it will be worth the wait!!
Post # 12
I am in the same boat so I completely understand. My BF and I have been together 6.5 years. We met the 4th day of sophomore year in undergrad. He loves me, takes care of me and tells me that I am the right one for him for the rest of his life. For a long time I never understood why we couldn’t just go and get married (a wedding is not that big of a deal to me) if we felt that way about eachother. But he is so logical and wanted to graudate from law school and be steady in his career in the corporate world first.
I am sooo anxious for the proposal. We are getting married on the date we met (which happens to fall on the same day we met 7 years ago) . I picked out my ring so I am just waiting now.
Looking back, I completely understand why he wanted to get everything else together, be financially responsible first so he can take care of US. It’s a quality I admire and appreciate in the guys out there that go about it this way. But it’s so hard being a woman and not letting my emotions take over being idealistic about the situation. It has definitely taught me patience and now I am glad we waited because we actually have money to spend on our rings and honeymoon!
Post # 13
Oh, I felt so crazy during my waiting period. Thoughts like “Doesn’t he love me?!” to “Why doesn’t he want to marry me?!” Even though he always said he wanted to be with me. :sigh:
Compounded by the fact that I was in my mid-late 20s when we met, and dated for 4 years before he proposed. So part of me had the “prime-child bearing years passing” fear if it turned out he really didn’t want this relationship.
The only advice I can give you is don’t push him too hard and trust him. Because if you get him to propose before he’s ready, he may end up resenting you for it.
From the view of a third person looking in, he sounds sensible. Trust him.
Post # 14
its tough. i think it is tougher once you start looking at rings and talking wedding stuff. it ramps up the expectations.
my guy did the whole “ring pop” thing. he proposed on NY eve with a 25cent ring in a plastic case from a quarter machine. Then 3 weeks later I finally got the real thing. A diamond solitaire “REAL” ring.
Post # 15
I can also relate to your situation. Me and my SO have been together for 7.5 years and have lived together for 3 years and were both 25. (You could say that we are childhood sweethearts as we met in school) We still arn’t engaged and over the past year or so lots of our friends have got engaged who haven’t been together half as long as we have and been planning their weddings.
We both know that we want to be together for the rest of our lives and want to eventually get married, but our family and friends are always going on about when we will get engaged. I went through a stage where i got a bit obsesed with ‘why are we not engaged’ and ‘its not fair’ as I feel that I deserved it more. My SO lost his job so couldn’t really afford to save up for a ring. He has taken me shopping to look at rings, so hopefully I won’t have to wait much longer. My SO is the same and wants to have money and our own house first etc.
I realised that now I don’t mind waiting and that I couldn’t force him to do it until he was ready and could afford to do it. As when it does happen it will be extra special and definately worth the wait. At least he is thinking about it and you talk about your future together…Its hard waiting for it to happen, but it’ll be worth when it does.
Post # 16
I think it’s def hard… And you both def ARE at the age where you would naturally start thinking about thus stuff (I’m 26). Maybe you can both get engaged now (if he feels comfortable getting the ring now) and just have a long engagement? That way you are def on your way to being married but am still giving both you to plan & save and him also time to feel more financially secure? It def is frustrating and I understand how you feel but you also don’t want to make him feel overly pressured. Hope this helps!