Waiting: when will my life begin?

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
5557 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

becks90 :  

You ARE young. You need to focus on life OUTSIDE of this relationship.

I’m not telling you to move on or that he’s dragging his feet etc, I’m telling you that your focus on waiting for a proposal and moving in together seems a bit unhealthy.

You’re asking when your life will begin because you’re waiting on a proposal and moving in together. That shows to me that you’ve lost sight of yourself in this.

Focus on work, discover new hobbies, go out with friends. Shift your focus, not only will the time fly but you will rediscover yourself outside of the relationship as well.

Post # 3
Member
2471 posts
Buzzing bee

becks90 :  Your life is happening NOW, and to think of it beginning with the ring and the dress is womanthink from 1943.

Your job right now is growing into and becoming an increasingly self realized YOU. HIS JOB is similar.

Enjoy where and what you are and find something enriching in yourself EVERY DAY. 

Post # 4
Member
5893 posts
Bee Keeper

I don’t hesitate to call SOs out on being douchebags if they appear to be treating a Bee badly &/ or misleadingly, but if your guy is making payments on a ring and you haven’t even been together two years and in your mid-twenties, then it sounds everything is good and IA with the previous posters that you need to slow your roll and not be overly focused on this. You have a great guy and a great future, it’s worrying that you feel your life can’t begin until you get engaged. 

Also wondering when you say he’s not fussed on his education and you keep encouraging him. Is this just a gentle push toward something he wants but procrastinates on? Or is there more to this…..is he responsible and hardworking or are you foreseeing being married to a slacker and hoping to ‘change him’? Or is he a solid hard working guy, but not ambitious enough for your standards? 

Post # 5
Member
1043 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

Why are you waiting around for him to get you a ring? If you want to get married, talk to him about getting married; you could go to the courthouse tomorrow. You don’t have to be a passive bystander in your own life.

Even if he wants the formality of the official proposal, that doesn’t mean you have to put your life on hold in the meantime. You’ve already talked about the ring purchase, so it’s not like this is a big secret and you can’t look ahead to the time afterwards. (Side note: I’m a bit concerned that he has to pay in installments when you say you both have good savings.)

I told my now-husband that I didn’t want to live together until we were officially engaged. But that doesn’t mean we waited until I had a ring on my finger to start making plans for the future. We went together to look at rings in the summer, and made plans then for him to move in that coming January, even though the “official” engagement didn’t happen until October.

If you’re both on the same page about getting married, you don’t have to wait for the ring to start making plans for the future.

Post # 6
Member
4566 posts
Honey bee

I find it really sad that you don’t appear to have anything else fulfilling in your life or a way to occupy your time other than waiting around for a guy to give you a ring.  Your life has started.  THIS IS YOUR LIFE.  You are the only one in control of it.  The only thing stopping you from having a life is YOU.  There is no reason why you can’t make your plans and then adjust as necessary as things come up…like a proposal.

So, start making plans.  Stop playing this silly game of “Oh, I’m just waiting to be oh so surprised by him.”  BS.  There is no reason you can’t start planning the future and maybe in the meantime pick up a hobby or two to occupy your time instead of your hyperfocus on getting proposed to.  Join a book club, a stitch and bitch, cross-fit, join the Y and take some classes, find an interesting class through your local community education.

Post # 7
Member
3224 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Well…it sounds like your life started 25 years ago. Why waste it?

Post # 8
Member
9527 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Maybe because we just saw Beauty and the Beast but you sound like Belle with your “when will my life begin”? Don’t wait on no man to make your freakin life begin! You have a masters and a challanging career, focus on that. That is a life. Find a place to settle down roots. Get out of your parents home and have your own place. Moving in with someone else will be a much easier transition once you have lived on your own a bit. You build you. The stronger you are as an individual the stronger you will be as a team

Post # 9
Member
1715 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I can only imagine your post title said on a black and white movie by a women pressing the back of her hand to her forehead in a swoon on a fainting sofa. 

Image result for women swooning

Without sounding life a commercial….Live your life. Live every single moment you are given.  Focus on your family. Get a hobby. Knock off some items on a bucket list (or make one if you don’t have one). Learn to meditate (awesome skill for your whole life and childbirth). Work crazy hours at your job (while you can) to get your career on the fast-track. Go to lunch with your friends. Seriously girl, no man is worth this kind of angst. If he loves you, he’ll ask. If not, move along. Your life is now. You never know what tomorrow will bring. 

 

Post # 10
Member
4252 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

See this is exactly why I hate these “waiting” boards.  It puts way too much stock into “waiting” on an engagement.  You are unhappy with your life?  Then change it.  Find an apartment and move out.  Go on a trip.  Take a class.  Do something that scares you.  Read a new book.  Volunteer.  There is so much you can do with your life that doesn’t require a proposal.  To this day I take trips with friends and without my husband.  I have many hobbies that I do on my own without him.  Our lives complement each other, however I don’t rely on him for my happiness.  We’re married but he doesn’t define me.  I am defined by who I am, what I do with my time, and how I treat others.

Post # 11
Member
2037 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

You have your masters.

You have a job in a competitive market.

You have your family.

You have a partner who loves you.

Your life isn’t on hold. It is happening. Now. Thinking that marriage is the start of your life places your identity solely as a wife, rather than a badass woman with a great job, a great education, great family and great friends. Don’t minimise your other achievements because you’re not yet married.

Post # 13
Member
37 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I’m probably going to say the exact opposite of what everyone else said. Bee, where are you from? I’m from the South and quite honestly, what you’re saying is exactly what myself and all my friends said/are saying. There is this feeling that life doesn’t “officially” begin until you get the ring. I definitely felt that way when I was waiting for the proposal. I just felt like I was in a holding pattern until he proposed and then “real life” would start. It’s a slippery slope though! Because once your engaged, then you’re in a holding pattern until the wedding, then you’re married and you’re in a holding pattern until you buy your first home together, then a holding pattern until your start your family and have babies, etc, etc. It’s unending! I think this is especially true if you’re southern and from a conservative community (and sometimes, not even THAT conservative of a community! I know mine’s not and I still very much felt/feel that way). I think the key though is to focus on today and really enjoy today, because before you know it it’s going to be 10 years from now and you’re going to be out to dinner with your husband reminsicing on the good old days of when you were just dating and each living with your parents. I promise!

Post # 14
Member
20 posts
Newbee

Just saying, I know exactly what you are going through and I felt the same way for about a year and a half before getting engaged, maybe more. Getting engaged actually made my life and relationship significantly better, although we both still live with our parents, and not much has changed except the FEELING that we are now committed/connected in this life decision. Also, the amount of casual talking we now do about our future has significantly increased; before, it was almost “secretive” because of the expectation of a surprise proposal and whatnot (he wanted to do it his way, as a surprise, I never pushed that aspect). You have a right to feel how you do. I said the same thing constantly for months- “when will my life begin?” Keep in mind though, that we’re always waiting for the next big thing in life. Now that we are engaged and planning the wedding, I spend much more time thinking about when we will buy a house and have a baby! 😂 I have to learn to take life as it comes. If your boyfriend is paying for a ring now, hopefully it will be coming within the next year. Maybe you can ask him for a time frame, and hold him to it (6 months maybe?)

Post # 15
Member
646 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

You’re putting too much emphasis on a proposal as the start on your life. Life is happening. Think about now as an experience. The time before the proposal. It’s frustrating now but soon it’ll be a fond memory. 

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