Post # 1
I’m going to sound silly but I just feel like there’s a big pause on my life. I’m waiting to get engaged and he says he is paying in installments at present but I know it’s unlikely to happen within the next few months.
We don’t live together and won’t until marriage due to a myriad or reasons. Currently we both live with our respective parents. We see each other a minimum of 3 times a week, with most weeks 4 times.
It’s frustrating because it’s unlikely we will live together until 2018. Due to my field of work being highly competitive I don’t know where my next job will be so it’s hard to put down routes. We both work and have met each others families and friends. Both have good savings and money for a reasonable house deposit.
We’re 25/27 so it’s not like we’re that young. 21 months dating with anniversary in July. I just want to get started on everything involved in doing life together.
I’m aware it does seem as though we’ve been together no time in comparison with some waiting bees but I’m a do it now type of girl. I would be happy enough with a simple wedding because the marriage is more important than that but alas no movement.
I have my masters etc and he’s not too fussed about his education but I keep encouraging him to get his accreditation exams.
More about vent that anything else but does anyone relate? He wants to be the one to propose..
Post # 2
You ARE young. You need to focus on life OUTSIDE of this relationship.
I’m not telling you to move on or that he’s dragging his feet etc, I’m telling you that your focus on waiting for a proposal and moving in together seems a bit unhealthy.
You’re asking when your life will begin because you’re waiting on a proposal and moving in together. That shows to me that you’ve lost sight of yourself in this.
Focus on work, discover new hobbies, go out with friends. Shift your focus, not only will the time fly but you will rediscover yourself outside of the relationship as well.
Post # 3
becks90 : Your life is happening NOW, and to think of it beginning with the ring and the dress is womanthink from 1943.
Your job right now is growing into and becoming an increasingly self realized YOU. HIS JOB is similar.
Enjoy where and what you are and find something enriching in yourself EVERY DAY.
Post # 4
I don’t hesitate to call SOs out on being douchebags if they appear to be treating a Bee badly &/ or misleadingly, but if your guy is making payments on a ring and you haven’t even been together two years and in your mid-twenties, then it sounds everything is good and IA with the previous posters that you need to slow your roll and not be overly focused on this. You have a great guy and a great future, it’s worrying that you feel your life can’t begin until you get engaged.
Also wondering when you say he’s not fussed on his education and you keep encouraging him. Is this just a gentle push toward something he wants but procrastinates on? Or is there more to this…..is he responsible and hardworking or are you foreseeing being married to a slacker and hoping to ‘change him’? Or is he a solid hard working guy, but not ambitious enough for your standards?
Post # 5
Why are you waiting around for him to get you a ring? If you want to get married, talk to him about getting married; you could go to the courthouse tomorrow. You don’t have to be a passive bystander in your own life.
Even if he wants the formality of the official proposal, that doesn’t mean you have to put your life on hold in the meantime. You’ve already talked about the ring purchase, so it’s not like this is a big secret and you can’t look ahead to the time afterwards. (Side note: I’m a bit concerned that he has to pay in installments when you say you both have good savings.)
I told my now-husband that I didn’t want to live together until we were officially engaged. But that doesn’t mean we waited until I had a ring on my finger to start making plans for the future. We went together to look at rings in the summer, and made plans then for him to move in that coming January, even though the “official” engagement didn’t happen until October.
If you’re both on the same page about getting married, you don’t have to wait for the ring to start making plans for the future.
Post # 6
I find it really sad that you don’t appear to have anything else fulfilling in your life or a way to occupy your time other than waiting around for a guy to give you a ring. Your life has started. THIS IS YOUR LIFE. You are the only one in control of it. The only thing stopping you from having a life is YOU. There is no reason why you can’t make your plans and then adjust as necessary as things come up…like a proposal.
So, start making plans. Stop playing this silly game of “Oh, I’m just waiting to be oh so surprised by him.” BS. There is no reason you can’t start planning the future and maybe in the meantime pick up a hobby or two to occupy your time instead of your hyperfocus on getting proposed to. Join a book club, a stitch and bitch, cross-fit, join the Y and take some classes, find an interesting class through your local community education.
Post # 7
Well…it sounds like your life started 25 years ago. Why waste it?
Post # 8
Maybe because we just saw Beauty and the Beast but you sound like Belle with your “when will my life begin”? Don’t wait on no man to make your freakin life begin! You have a masters and a challanging career, focus on that. That is a life. Find a place to settle down roots. Get out of your parents home and have your own place. Moving in with someone else will be a much easier transition once you have lived on your own a bit. You build you. The stronger you are as an individual the stronger you will be as a team
Post # 9
I can only imagine your post title said on a black and white movie by a women pressing the back of her hand to her forehead in a swoon on a fainting sofa.
Without sounding life a commercial….Live your life. Live every single moment you are given. Focus on your family. Get a hobby. Knock off some items on a bucket list (or make one if you don’t have one). Learn to meditate (awesome skill for your whole life and childbirth). Work crazy hours at your job (while you can) to get your career on the fast-track. Go to lunch with your friends. Seriously girl, no man is worth this kind of angst. If he loves you, he’ll ask. If not, move along. Your life is now. You never know what tomorrow will bring.
Post # 10
See this is exactly why I hate these “waiting” boards. It puts way too much stock into “waiting” on an engagement. You are unhappy with your life? Then change it. Find an apartment and move out. Go on a trip. Take a class. Do something that scares you. Read a new book. Volunteer. There is so much you can do with your life that doesn’t require a proposal. To this day I take trips with friends and without my husband. I have many hobbies that I do on my own without him. Our lives complement each other, however I don’t rely on him for my happiness. We’re married but he doesn’t define me. I am defined by who I am, what I do with my time, and how I treat others.
Post # 11
You have your masters.
You have a job in a competitive market.
You have your family.
You have a partner who loves you.
Your life isn’t on hold. It is happening. Now. Thinking that marriage is the start of your life places your identity solely as a wife, rather than a badass woman with a great job, a great education, great family and great friends. Don’t minimise your other achievements because you’re not yet married.
Post # 12
araebo5585 : I have hobbies and friends. I guess I need to refocus and reframe the present.
ann.reid.9277 : I want to move forward though. I know who I am and want to progress through marriage though.
RobbieAndJuliahaha : he does work hard but there are more opportunities if he’s accredited and he does try and make me happy which will push towards that a bit more.
BookishBee : money is tied up in isas and towards home buying. His family and mine would prefer proper ceremony etc.
annabananabee : I do gym, numerous church activities, volunteering and seeing friends, reading etc. I think I’m ruminating more this week because I’m injured so can’t do my preferred hobby – running so I have more time to think and not enough distraction until physio sessions.
carolinabelle : yes but marriage may enhance it.
theatrejulia : I was inspired by Tangled (oh so mature!) I am Belle though through and through as I identify with her. I know it wasn’t a compliment. I don’t want to rent though and buying a house is a together type of activity.
glitterysala : I should have been a Southern Belle pre-civil war era waiting for some beau to ask for her hand :p it’s bad though because I have accomplished most of my travel goals and bucket list activities so I’m probably quite boring a person. I’ve travelled a lot though.
ljm308 : I am not unhappy, more so impatient. I do have hobbies and do quite a bit of volunteering. I’m just wanting to do life together on a 24/7 basis.
loz24 : I know I have accomplished a few things and my issues are all first world problems but I’m just so ready to move forward and form a family!
Guys thanks for enduring my nonsense and rants. I know my SO is awesome. I’m probably seeming immature and I am to a large extent. I know nothing will be cured by merely being engaged. I just hate the feeling of not moving forward quick enough.
Post # 13
I’m probably going to say the exact opposite of what everyone else said. Bee, where are you from? I’m from the South and quite honestly, what you’re saying is exactly what myself and all my friends said/are saying. There is this feeling that life doesn’t “officially” begin until you get the ring. I definitely felt that way when I was waiting for the proposal. I just felt like I was in a holding pattern until he proposed and then “real life” would start. It’s a slippery slope though! Because once your engaged, then you’re in a holding pattern until the wedding, then you’re married and you’re in a holding pattern until you buy your first home together, then a holding pattern until your start your family and have babies, etc, etc. It’s unending! I think this is especially true if you’re southern and from a conservative community (and sometimes, not even THAT conservative of a community! I know mine’s not and I still very much felt/feel that way). I think the key though is to focus on today and really enjoy today, because before you know it it’s going to be 10 years from now and you’re going to be out to dinner with your husband reminsicing on the good old days of when you were just dating and each living with your parents. I promise!
Post # 14
Just saying, I know exactly what you are going through and I felt the same way for about a year and a half before getting engaged, maybe more. Getting engaged actually made my life and relationship significantly better, although we both still live with our parents, and not much has changed except the FEELING that we are now committed/connected in this life decision. Also, the amount of casual talking we now do about our future has significantly increased; before, it was almost “secretive” because of the expectation of a surprise proposal and whatnot (he wanted to do it his way, as a surprise, I never pushed that aspect). You have a right to feel how you do. I said the same thing constantly for months- “when will my life begin?” Keep in mind though, that we’re always waiting for the next big thing in life. Now that we are engaged and planning the wedding, I spend much more time thinking about when we will buy a house and have a baby! 😂 I have to learn to take life as it comes. If your boyfriend is paying for a ring now, hopefully it will be coming within the next year. Maybe you can ask him for a time frame, and hold him to it (6 months maybe?)
Post # 15
You’re putting too much emphasis on a proposal as the start on your life. Life is happening. Think about now as an experience. The time before the proposal. It’s frustrating now but soon it’ll be a fond memory.