(Closed) waiting with no proposal in sight

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
3042 posts
Sugar bee

It’s never good to push for marriage. He does not feel the need to talk about it because he feels he already has; he told you he is not ready. 

You have two choices: accept that and wait or move on. Any nagging or pressure will not have a positive outcome. A lot of bees will say you are fairly young and I agree. Go out and live your dreams! Travel & volunteer. Move to a new city! 

My bff got married at 22. We are 33 now and while she is happily married, she feels a little sad she did not venture out more in life. Everyone is different of course but just don’t rush through life to be settled. There’s lots to do!

Post # 4
4429 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@lucy_smith:  im so sorry your going Thur this luv.

ive been there waiting. and you guys are young but you have been together for a while.

hes not going to budge on this men usually don’t ; (

you have to do something drastic he feels safe just where you guys are.

and i know alot of women might not agree with me on what iam about to suggest.

leave him! don’t give him a choice like ill leave if we don’t get engaged don’t do that.

tell him you feel like you guys are not moving in the right direction and leave him tell him you feel like you guys age going no where and you don’t want to waste your time.

if you do this you will really see what he is made of and how he feels about you.

like i said some people might not agree with what i’m saying but at the same time you can not continue to feel the way you do.

Post # 5
5065 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2014

relaxedabout it I echo your advice.

lucy_smith – I wouldn’t worry too much, I know it’s easier said then done. It’ll happen when the time is right for you both. Try not to pressure your bf. My advice is just live for now. Go travel have fun together.

Post # 6
3042 posts
Sugar bee

@HisNightOwl2014:  That’s a pretty manipulative option. If she does that she has to be 100% prepared for the consequences. Why notsimply accept his word and make mature decisions?

OP don’t play games with your relationship to try to force his hand. 

Post # 7
812 posts
Busy bee

I vote you sit him down and tell him how you feel and try to agree on a timeline – such as we will be married within the next 5 years etc

Post # 8
1403 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I’m with Scottish_lassie on this one.  Timelines are wonderful things.  You two need to sit down and have a mature discussion on where you see your lives going in the next few years.  Talk about marriage, children, home ownership, travel, and anything that’s important to you.

Post # 9
2845 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@lucy_smith:  Ok, for your family, 20 is a good time to get married. This is not the case in his family. These are different opinions and lifestyles. You will probably need to compromise somewhere in the middle.

Post # 10
2106 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@HisNightOwl2014:  The reason most women here would never suggest that is because, even of he says, “No! Don’t leave! Even though I’m not ready, I’ll marry you!” there will ALWAYS be that “even though” stuck in there. He will always feel as though you backed him into a corner and manipulated him into proposing/marrying you. He will resent you. A healthy marriage cannot be founded on threats and manipulation. 

I suggest having a deep conversation. Tell him that you’ll need more than one word answers and, on your part, you’re not trying to make him agree with you, you just need to know exactly where he stands. Ask him what his most ideal perfect-world timeline is in terms of engagement, marriage, children, home ownership, career, or anything else on the radar. Then share with him your ideal timeline. See if you can compromise (an engagement super soon, but a long one with marriage not for another 2 years, etc). 

If he won’t budge or his compromises are unacceptable, you will have to decide if he’s worth waiting for. This does not mean saying, “Unless you mean my expectations, I leave!” but rather, “We want two different things.”

If it comes to that, remember-if you walked away from this man today and met another tomorrow, you’d still probably be 2+ years from getting married. 

Post # 11
2845 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@HisNightOwl2014:  I don’t agree with this for a 20 year old.

Post # 12
1053 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - Cedar Lake Cellars

Is he still in school?  Are all of his friends single?  These may very well be important and legitimate factors that are contributing to him not being ready.  It’s a process for all of us to mature and want things like marriage. 

I’d cut him a break because 20 is super young, especially for a guy.

Post # 13
276 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I don’t think that you are too young in your case.. You guys have been together a long time and you seem mature enough to know what you want, and the two of you have lived together awhile.. But the fact that you are young also means you don’t have to necessarily rush.. I’d also sit him down and have a serious talk with him about your future and maybe see if he’s willing to give you a time frame 

Post # 14
1542 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@MrsBroccoli:  I agree with you. I have seen women push for a ring when the guy wasn’t ready and she was really upset with the way he proposed (probably because he didn’t want to do it)

I have been with my SO for 5 years too. I totally understand feeling like you’ve waited enough. But you are still young (as am I). My SO asked me if I would be happier if he proposed tomorrow knowing he is only doing it to make me happy, not him, or waiting maybe a couple years until he is ready and wants an engagement as much as I do.

I do think you should get him to talk about it. Tell him why you are upset or insecure about it and he should be able to reasure you about your relationship. You should leave the conversation feeling more confident in what you are waiting for

Post # 16
1448 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@HisNightOwl2014:  I actually agree with this advice.  Even if the OP doesn’t want to travel or “party”, there are lots of hobbies and such she can take up.  Expanding her world, gaining life experience, etc. would be a *good thing*.

And I don’t think leaving him is manipulative.  He’s said that he doesn’t want marriage and he doesn’t want to talk about it with her.  Period.  She is not getting what she wants out of the relationship, and he doesn’t want to move forward.  So she can either stay in the relationship and become bitter and resentful that she’s wasting her youth waiting on someone who won’t commit, or she can ditch him to find herself and find someone who is better suited to her.

I would never stay in a relationship where I wasn’t 100% sure the fellow I was involved with was interested in “going the same direction” as me at relatively the same pace.

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