Post # 1
This is my first post on here but I’ve been looking for an answer,hope, peopl in the same situation and for some general encouragement that I’m not going mad! So I thought I would share my story hopefully some of you can relate and help me relax a little!
So I know it’s coming …. One day! My Boyfriend or Best Friend and I have been together over 4 years , with quite a hard start to our relationship from him being at Uni and so us never being settled for the first 3 years we are now finally settled living in a permanent location both with good jobs.
We have always been very open about marriage and from very early on we knew we wanted to get married once life was settled. My bf told me we would get engaged once we were settled and he had saved up enough money to buy the ring ( I Would like to add here over a year ago I showed him what type of ring I would like and he asked me to find out my ring size so I did)
So we have now been settled a year , had many discussions about wedding plans (he initiates this conversation just as much as me) I know for a fact that he could have easily saved up for the ring but I’m still waiting 🙁
Im just starting to lose a bit of hope, there has been a few times recently that I thought he might have proposed but the moment/ event just went by without it happening.
People say I should give him an ultimatum and ask why he hasn’t done it when I’ve waited for all of the milestones and watched the timeline points he’s set come and go but I can’t bring myself to ask him, I don’t want to pressure him but at the same time I am driving myself mad waiting .
I don’t want to sound ungrateful or like I’m pressurising him but he has set all these bars as to when it could happen that it gets my hopes up and nothing happens and I get scared that maybe he doesn’t want to marry me or something?
I get pressure from family and friends Everytime an event comes up as they think he will do it and it’s really getting me down. I am worried I will end up just getting mad that he hasn’t done it:(
I just wanted some advice really or to know that there are others out there feeling the same and that I’m not a complete nut case!! Thanks everyone xxxxx
Post # 3
@Waitingviv: I’ve always heard to never give an ultimatum. I don’t remember the website, but there was a group of guys discussing what they disliked the most about relationships and one of the guys said “pressure.” Obviously guys and girls think differently so your minds may be in two different places at the moment. I know for myself, marriage is all I think about, but my SO is thinking about getting our lives going first and making sure he is financially able to provide for me. Your SO may be in the same boat. He’s probably trying to be his very best for you before he takes the leap. So let him save up and create a nest for you so that he can provide for you and take good care of you & eventually, your little ones.
And if he initiates the wedding conversations then he difinitely knows what he’s doing and when the time is right. Just be patient and try to get a head start on planning in the mean time. & when he does ask, the planning will already be underway and you can enjoy your engagement a little longer before starting to plan.
Ps- I’m a waiting bee too! I received this same advice on one of my own posts! Good luck, God bless, and I hope it’s soon for you!! 😀
Post # 4
@Waitingviv: You are definitely not a nut case. 🙂 There are lots of us here who feel or have felt like this sometimes!
I think is is important to avoid pressuring or giving ultimatums, especially. I pressured a little for a while, and now that I am seeing hints that my SO is thinking of proposing, perhaps within the year, I’ve realized that I would feel absolutely horrible if he proposed when I had been pressuring him. I’d always have a smidgen of doubt about his motivation to propose– in that situation, I can imagine myself always wondering if he’d done it partially to make me shut up. Luckily I have gotten to a place where I am happy to wait a little while without bugging him.
I totally understand how you feel, though. I think it kind of is a stage, which one can get over, especially if you two talk about it– maybe next time the “someday” thing comes up, ask him, “when do you think would be a good time for us to get married?” I did this, and though my SO did say, “in 2 1/2 or 3 years,” that was better than “someday,” especially since right after that he said something about having to be engaged before starting to plan the wedding, and that planning takes, in his mind, at least a year. Anyway, I think it might be good if the two of you can have a serious conversation about, OK, when do we want this wedding to happen? Also, it might not hurt, in the right situation, to gently indicate that this subject stresses you out and you want to be able to feel a little more secure when thinking about your and his future together, and see what he says.
Definitely have a conversation about when things might progress, but please don’t actually pressure– you might regret it in the long run. Just make sure the two of you can share your feelings and communicate about what you want.
Post # 5
@Waitingviv: Welcome to the Bee! I’m in the “don’t give ultimatums” camp as well (though I’m sure it has ‘worked’ for gals). I just dont like the thought of our engagement happening because I threatened to leave. I say just have a discussion about where he is in regard to marriage and if it’s something he feels like he’s getting ready for.
Post # 6
Would you stay with the guy if he never married you? if so then do not give an ultimatum. Lots of women give them to their guys and then end up heartbroken when he either doesnt propose and they have to leave or stay anyway which reduces their self worth (only my opinon though) because it shows they dont have the guts to finish what they started.
I would have a talk with him, explain that you dont want to get married tomorrow but weddings take time to plan and save for and you would like to know if you are headed in that same direction. If he says he is nowhere near the marriage mark then you maybe need to question whether or not the relationship is right for you or not. I personally wouldnt stay with somebody who didnt want the relationship to go anywhere but i wouldnt tell the guy, i would have a chat and see where hes at and then decide myself. No ultimatums just a firm decision in my head and if you end up leaving dont even mention marriage because you wouldnt want to guilt him into marrying you would you?
Your post sounds like he does want to marry you though but he sets timelines and doesnt follow through, you need to find out why.
As to the events calandar though he might not want to do it on valentines/birthdays/anniversaries etc he might want to make it a special day all on its own but you deffo are not going crazy hang in there x
Post # 7
Thanks for all your lovely messages, it’s helpful to know that I’m not the only one who feels like this and that I’m not a complete nut job!
Yesterday the subject of weddings came up …….. Again!
We both basically decided that we want to get marriedSeptember 2015, when I jokingly said that we have to be engaged before we can get married he said ‘don’t worry it’s all in hand’
But the thing I worris about is , does he actually have it in hand ? Because I literally can’t see him A) taking the time to ask my dad ( he knows this is important to me) and B) actually taking the time to go and buy the ring he’s just so laid back! I sometimes wonder how he puts up with me 🙂 I am a complete stress head worrier and he just takes life as it comes! Something that I love about him!
Before Christmas he said it was a good idea for us to start saving for the wedding, and so I have been but it’s very hard to save for a wedding that isn’t real yet – people think I’m mad saving for it when we aren’t engaged!has anyone else been asked a similar thing? To start saving?
Thanks everyone all your advice has helped a lot! Im just feeling like I’m losing my mind!
Post # 8
@Waitingviv: my bf has told me in the past he won’t propose until he is sure of the date (which I take to mean that he wants to be sure he has the money already). Some men won’t committ to an egagement until they are sure they can afford the wedding. Just makes waiting harder -.- good luck
Post # 9
While I don’t believe in ultimatums, I do think you should be honest and share your feelings. I had to let my FH know that if he didn’t want to get married that was fine but that I was going to get married either way. It was said with love and honesty but he needed to know I wasn’t going to be his girlfriend forever. I would like to think that my taking the time to speak with him in a non-rushed, relaxed and non-emotional way helped give him perspective on where I was coming from. I didn’t nag him to death or even bring it up again. We got engaged 13 months later. I wish he had done it sooner but I’m happy to now be engaged.
Share your thoughts if you think you can do so and it would be helpful… that’s my best advice.
Post # 10
@Waitingviv: I hope you are saving in your own account and not a joint account. I’d think you mad if you were saving like mad for an event TBD and he had access to all of your hard earned money. I know… I sound cynical but I’m all for looking out for #1 until it’s a legally recognized relationship. 🙂
Post # 11
A lot of men won’t commit until they’re financially stable. You have a lot of exciting signs that he will propose! I don’t think you should let anyone get you down.
When someone asks you when you’re getting married, say, “Oh I don’t want to rush it! We’re taking our time and saving up for a very nice wedding.” People back off and stop asking when you put the ball in YOUR court.
Sooo excited for you!!!!!!!! He’s got so many signs that he’s going to do it!