(Closed) Wake me up from this nightmare pleaaaase….

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
927 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I don’t have much advice but i couldn’t read and not respond. I’m so sorry this has happened to you. You should definitely speak to someone about this, and so should your fiance. Good luck.

Post # 4
5118 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@shatteredlife: I agree with the poster above. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this right now. I definitely suggest discussing this with someone (clergy/therapist/etc), and putting a halt on the wedding for now. Take a week to process, and ask your parents or a close friend to call the venues and vendors that you already have booked and see what you can do to postpone or get refunds if you decide to cancel. The hiding his sexuality is one thing, but the fact that he cheated on you (male or female, doesn’t matter) is a huge issue.

I know you say he’s remorseful, but clearly, there are very raw emotions right now and it will take a while to process. I’ll be sending prayers your way, for the both of you. I hope that you can take the time to figure out how you feel and what you need, and that whatever you two decide, it’s on good terms. *hugs* So sorry that you have to go through this. 

Post # 5
331 posts
Helper bee

I am so sorry you are going through this. Lots of hugs and prayers for you.

I can’t even begin to imagine what you are feeling. My initial thought was it doesn’t matter if he’s bi-sexual/gay/straight, cheating is still cheating.

Number 1: Go get tested for Save-The-Date Cards. Even if they used condoms, there’s still a risk by him having another partner.

I wish I had more to offer in the way of advice. I am so sorry for you.

Post # 6
4014 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Im so so sorry that this is happening to you. This happened to me with an ex-boyfriend but we were not engaged and I found out after the fact. There are no words for the pain I know  you are feeling. Please, find someone that you both can talk to and definately put the wedding on hold until you make some decisions. If you need anything or just want to chat, please feel free to PM me! Good luck sweetie and stay true to yourself

Post # 7
4371 posts
Honey bee

I am so sorry! I don’t even have any more words than that. I can’t imagine what you must be going through…

Post # 8
1747 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I am so so sorry you are going through this. I will send positive thoughts your way in this hard time and I don’t even know you.

I can’t imagine. Surround yourself with family and friends and hang in there. You don’t need to make a decision now but maybe there are some people in your life that are only meant to stay a short while. I can’t imagine how you could marry him and trust him right now. Nine months is a short time to come to grips with such a bombshell.

I also, just for your safety, think you should get tested. He may have practiced safe sex but he also had multiple partners. I know its the least of your worries but you MUST take care of yourself.


Post # 9
3261 posts
Sugar bee

Poor thing 🙁 I have no real advice because I think it’s unfair to tell someone I don’t know to “run”, but just remember that you have value as a person, and to open up your heart and commit yourself to someone is a big deal. You deserve to be treated with respect and honesty.. Don’t settle for anything less than that. Ever. 

Post # 10
721 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Oh wow. I wouldn’t even know how to feel right now.  I agree with the PP that you should most def take time to process everything and see how you can postpone the wedding.  There are so many different types of trust betrayals you are feeling right now, and I think it is very important that you speak to not only your clergyman (if you have one) but also a professional. And while this may be a delicate subject to touch on, please ask whether his activities were protected or not and get yourself tested…no matter what sex, “protected”or not, make sure that your health is okay.

Post # 11
642 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Advice from someone who has been cheated on in the past (almost the same situation ex who cheated is now married to his then boyfriend). It takes a lot of soul searching and many nights crying yourself to sleep and lots of time to come to terms with the fact that you have been betrayed in such a way. YOU WILL BE OK IN THE END. No matter the outcome, no matter what you decide to do, make sure that you make decisions because you are being true to yourself. You are the only one who can decide what will make you happy in the future. I truly wish you the best of luck and know that we are all here suporting you no matter what you decide. 

Post # 12
2548 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

This is so hard. I’m sorry you are dealing with such a mess. I agree with PP that you need some time to think about this, away from him. You need your space to evaluate this situation. Because you aren’t just dealing with your fiance being bisexual, or just your fiance having cheated, but both, and that is alot to have to deal with. I don’t have that much more to say, or much advice, but just know whatever happens, everything will work itself out, and you will come out stronger and better, regardless if you stay with him or not.

Post # 13
5296 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

I don’t think I have any good advice for you, but like a PP, couldn’t read and not post.
To me the big thing is that he cheated – bi-sexual seems almost irrelevant, because he should still be able to pick a female (you) to spend his life with. The big thing to me is that he cheated on you. As a PP said, get tested and protect yourself first. Take a few days or weeks to just process what has been thrown at you. Talk to a religious leader, close friend, counselor – someone who will listen and not judge.
Eventually you will both need counseling (I think both separately and together) to decide if you want to stay together or move on.

I can’t imagine how much pain and turmoil you are in right now, and wish I could give you a magic wand to make it all better 🙁

Post # 14
627 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I am so sorry this is happening 🙁 Big hugs.

I agree with the PP about getting an STD check, no joke. 

Also, I think you should put the wedding on pause until you both deal with this situation….or more accurately, the two situations: 1) his sexual identity and 2) the adultery.

As for 1, you need him to figure out what he truly wants. If he is gay, you need to know now. If he is bisexual, then you need to decide if you are okay with that. This will all take time.

#2 will also take time because this wasn’t some one night stand it was a full blown affair. You need to decide if this is something you can get over or if it isn’t.

I would seriously suggest you both get into couples counseling and individual counseling. You need to make sure you are taking care of yourself right now and your Fiance is going through a very challenging time in his life as well. Both your worlds are shifting and professional, outside observers would probably help a lot.

Post # 15
71 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Oh wow, I would be speechless. Eventhough he has been lying to you since the spring, you have to give him some credit for actually being honest with you before it’s really too late. The decision that you make will definately need time. No one can really tell you to not go through with it, or to do so. You have to look within yourself and make sure that you are willing to put the betrayal aside and still love him the same for the rest of your life. Not only love but trust, and that you would be able to start a family and move on (or whatever your future plans together were). Having a stressful life can be sickening and you have to carefully consider the outcome of certain things especially when you have to make a big decision about your life. Certain cuts or pains love can certanly heal if both parties are willing to work together, but some cannot be forgiven or forgotten and you have to figure that out before you make this big decision that will certanly change your life forever. Good Luck. I hope this helps somehow. I just don’t want to tell you yes do it or don’t do it because I don’t know anything about you, I know that in time of need and when you ask for help, you really take in what people tell you and I don’t want to influence you that way. I just want you to really think about what you can live with, since it’s essentially what you would be doing. 

Post # 16
1088 posts
Bumble bee

I’m sorry and I don’t know what to say except that this is devastating news.. but I would STRONGLY suggest putting the wedding and wedding planning on hold until you figure all this out..

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